Goof the right thing

We had a nice family afternoon: We watched Rocky Balboa (four thumbs up) and stopped at Wendy's on the way home, prompted by the fact that I happened to have a coupon for each of us for a free Frosty. We planned to get some other food, too.

"Not a whole meal," Janet said, as the boys and I went up to order. "Just a hamburger or something." Which I interpreted as "Let's each have only a hamburger or something." Hold that thought.

In the line, I directed the boys to the Value Menu. Ethan chose chicken nuggets, and Emmett a baked potato.

"I'm thinking Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger," I said.

Which made Ethan switch: "Yeah, yeah. Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger."

I placed the order. I was the only one who wanted the classic chocolate Frosty, by the way. Everyone else opted for the new vanilla Frosty.

At the table, I handed Janet a cheeseburger.

"Oh, I just wanted the Frosty," she said.

Meanwhile, I realized that I had mistakenly ordered Ethan both the chicken nuggets and the bacon cheeseburger.

For those keeping score at home, that would be two goofs out of four items ordered.

So ... Keith, Ya Goof!

But I say that Janet misled me. And I reiterate: I was the only one who didn't choose woossy vanilla for my Frosty.

So, Janet, Ethan and Emmett, you deserve to hear this, too: Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

731. Scratch (when playing pool).
730. Cross the wrong wires so that all the power goes out.
729. Vacuum up a coin.
728. Receive your order at a restaurant and discover that you don't have any way to pay.
727. Lose your receipt.
726. Mistakenly bring your lunch into the locker room when you hit the gym on the way to work.
725. Head down the wrong hallway, forgetting that just switched work areas.

Duck! Or a wild guess might hit you!

Maybe there's a reader or two out there who was greeted with this question after entering the Barnes & Noble in Altoona this past Saturday:

"Can you guess what stuffed animal we have wrapped up here?"

Referring to this animal:


The question came from Hollidaysburg Area Public Library volunteers, including our whole family. The idea was to draw attention to the in-store gift-wrapping area that we were hosting.

I suspect that MOST of you can indeed guess what animal was wrapped up. I won't tell you what it is, but here's a hint:

Rymes with "loon-a-torn."

See? You knew it, didn't you?

But get this: On three separate occasions during the day, a person guessed the animal was a duck.

I won't be mean and address these people with "Ya Goof!" but I will say that I just don't see how you guess "Duck" when the animal has four legs and a long tail, not to mention a long upward projection from the forehead.

The first time that we received this guess, poor Emmett just couldn't help laughing out loud. It simply quacked him up.

Okay, okay, for that closing line, I deserve to hear this myself: Keith, Ya Goof!

Why I had to hack into my own computer

Here we have a little padlock that Ethan put on the laptop case. Then he lost the key.

So out came the hacksaw.

Ethan, Ya Goof!

I never said I was the sharpest blade in the drawer

Above is a picture of something you don't find in the average desk drawer: an Xacto blade dispenser. Way cool. The blades are in this little pocket that's spring loaded so it rises as the blade supply shrinks. I have one at work because ... wait for it ... I often use an Xacto blade. My dispenser over a decade old, but never reloaded, because ... wait for it ... I don't use an Xacto blade that often.

Anyway, today is the first time in all of those years that I noticed a little slot in the dispenser. See it above? It stumped me for only a fraction of a second, I'm proud to say.

That's where the used blades go, so they're collected safely.

And I've just been throwing them into my waste basket all this time. Where they could cut through the garbage bag, slice somebody's finger—Lord knows what mayhem they've been causing.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Take a closer look at your office tools. Who knows what you might discover.

Day of a thousand goofs

Okay, there weren't actually a thousand goofs yesterday. It just seemed like it.

Number 1: Just before school, Emmett barfed in the kitchen. On the area rug. Which violates one of our basic household rules:

Don't barf where it will be hard to clean up.

Toilet. Perfect.
Bucket. Next best place.
Sink. Acceptable.
Linoleum. No problem.
Tabletop, hardwood floor, the lawn, wastebasket. If you must.

As opposed to:

Bedspread.
Under the clawfoot tub.
Heating vent.
Refrigerator door.
Television cabinet.
Car seat.

Not good! None of these! No, no, no!

And not the woven area rug in our kitchen. But Emmett couldn't hold out, so that's where it went.

And he had just drunk a glass of Hi-C with red dye. Which rhymes with ... sigh.

He did feel well enough to go to school, though, so he covered his output with a dish towel for later consideration.

Number 2: Ethan greeted me by explaining what was under the dish towel. This delicious opportunity to deride his brother, however, was blunted by sheepishness over his own goof.

"Dad, I have good news and bad news."

To show me the bad news, he took off his glasses and showed me that one stem now had black electrical tape holding it together.

"The good news is that we started a new unit in school where we get to solder."

I'll have to report back later about that that comes out. But Goof 2 leads us to ...

3. Ethan got the black tape for his glasses from the basement. And to get to the basement, he used the stairs. Which I had painted with oil paint the evening before. And which weren't dry yet. So there were dusty footprints in the still-tacky paint. Sigh (again).

Here's where things get interesting.

I kept my cool about the steps because the truth is that I knew that I would probably need to give them a second coat, anyway. There were some streaks in the first coat. But I kept that to myself and sternly laid down the law.

"I'll do the steps. You help Emmett clean the rug."

Now THAT is what's known as parenting.

For failing to tape off the doorway at the top of the steps, I'll mildly rebuke myself: Keith, Ya Goof!

But for their dastardly deeds, I say yet again to Ethan and Emmett: Ya Goofs!

Gotta make the diaper run

When I arrived home yesterday, Emmett greeted me by saying, "Muffy is out of diapers."

Insert heavy sigh here.

Muffy is our dog. We got him as a stray sixteen years ago; he's probably around eighteen years old. And he has bladder issues. After much trial-and-error, we found a perfect solution: the smallest size baby diaper, for 8- to 14-pounders, held in place with a Velcro-closure ankle wrap that winds around him two and a half times. He goes through about three diapers a day.

"When did you notice he was out?"

"A few hours ago," said Ethan, who had joined us in the kitchen.

"For future reference," I said, "in a case like that, call me right away so I can stop on the way home rather than have to run back out." Which I did need to do right away, because Muffy was currently imprisoned, diaperless, on the back porch, which has linoleum flooring (ahem).

To Ethan and Emmett I say: Ya Goofs!

Of course, neither Janet nor I took note that the diapers were getting low. So I also say to us: Ya Goofs!

P.S. Muffy's diapers come in a 52-pack; i.e., about an eighteen-day supply. With a dog this old, I only buy one pack at a time, which I have to admit is showing little optimism ...

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

735. Clap between movements.
734. Grab an apple from the fridge and find out later that it's a tomato.
732. Grab a plastic Tupperware dish from the fridge and find out at work that it's last night's leftover creamed corn instead of the lovely salad that you had made for lunch.

Library Trip, Take 5

Here's how popping over to the Library for about twenty minutes turned into five round trips over the course of an hour. It's only a four-minute round trip, but still.

We're a Library family: Janet is the Library director, and the rest of us are active volunteers. So it's not uncommon for any combination of us to go along with Janet after hours to the Library to take care of something. Last night, the combination was Janet and me.

Emmett and I had been working on a Library project at home, too--using iron-on graphics to create official Library T-shirts. The last step (this was Ethan's job) was to turn the completed shirts inside-out and put them in the washing machine for a quick wash before the first wearing. The instructions caution that you should take the shirts out of the wash right away for drying, to make sure no colors will run. Remember that; it'll be important.

Once the shirts were in the washer and Janet and I were ready to go to the Library, that left about twenty minutes to get back and take them out. No problem. Or so we thought.

Round Trip One: I was driving, and when we arrived, Janet realized that she'd forgotten her key chain with the Library key. So back home we went.

Round Trip Two: I had to make some copies for a Library promotion, and I realized at the copier that I had forgotten the special card stock at home. So back home I went.

Round Trip Three: Ethan called and said he was having problems printing out a homework paper. It was getting late, and he was frazzled about it. The best thing to do was go and help him out. So back home I went.

Round Trip Four: When I finally got back to the Library, I remembered that the T-shirts were sitting in the washer. By this time, the boys were in bed or close to it, and they're dangerous around laundry, anyway. So back home I went.

Round Trip Five: To finish up the orginal purpose for going to the Library. After which, back home we went.

So this is aimed at the entire family save Emmett and Muffett, our dog: Ya Goofs!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

738. Forget that this is the morning that the cleaning lady is coming and wrench your back while bolting up the stairs to your room upon hearing her key in the lock, because you were working in the basement at your computer in your underwear.
737. Leave the impression that a graphic story about wrenching your back while bolting up stairs was about you instead of about someone else.
736. Leave the impression that a graphic story about wrenching your back while bolting up stairs was about someone else instead of about you.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

786. Discover after getting to work that you still have your wife's keys in her pocket, borrowed the evening before.
785. Drop your toast on the floor.
784. Forget to dim your high-beams.
783. Or forget to turn them on.
782. Criticize the speck in another's eye when you have a log in your own (see the Gospels).
781. Forget to call someone back.
780. When going to a picnic, remember the pie but forget the serving utensil.
779. Mak a typo.
778. Shoot into the other team's goal.
777. Gamble on Friday the 13th.
776. Lose your winning lottery ticket.
775. Erase a phone message before you've heard it.
774. Fail to call ahead and find out that the office is closed on Wednesdays.
773. Put off getting your flu shot until all the serum is gone.
772. Put your underwear on backwards.
771. Get a (Raindrops keep falling) tune (on my) stuck in your (head) head.
770. Forget the coupon at home that made you go to the restaurant in the first place.
769. Jump your turn at a four-way stop sign.
768. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet.
766. Drop your contact lens in your coffee.
765. Spray when you talk.
764. Walk when it says "Don't walk."
763. Muff your number when counting off by threes.
762. Forget to pay a bill.
761. Overdress.
760. Underdress.
759. Fail to close a door completely.
758. Type in ww. instead of www.
757. Forget to give your kid lunch money.
756. Forget your lunch.
755. Leave your shoes where someone will trip over them.
754. Leave your shoes where you will trip over them.
753. Forget to take one last look in the mirror.
752. Forget your notes.
751. Leave the seat up.
750. Fail to get out of the way when changing a boy's diaper.
749. Leave chocolate where your dog can get it.
748. Grab a cat by the tail.
747. Burn toast.
746. Open a milk carton on the wrong side.
745. Buy a cat.
744. Roll a gutterball.
743. Forget to get your car inspected.
742. Go on red.
741. Stop on green.
740. Forget to feed the goldfish.
739. Forget to put out the trash.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

794. Mix up dead batteries with fresh batteries.
793. Fail to notice the dish baking in the oven before you shut it off.
792. Cut the flower along with the weed.
791. Step on the teeth of a rake so that the handle swings up and hits you.
790. Take a slice from the pie that was meant for the school bake sale.
789. Change the schedule for a business meeting but forget to tell the people who are coming.
788. Show up for a conference on the wrong weekend.
787. Overuse a phrase, if you know what I mean.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

800. Drop a roll of paper towels into the sink.
799. Drop a roll of toilet paper into the toilet.
798. Discover that you've bought everything you need to paint a wall except the paint.
797. Spill paint.
796. Go into a job interview forgetting that you temporarily loosened your tie.
795. Go to great care to prepare a document and then lose it to the wind.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

850. Change lanes without signalling.
849. Forget to dim your lights.
848. Let eggshell fall in with the eggs.
847. Lose the wedding ring.
846. Forget your ... uh ... you know, your ... oh, yeah—your point!
845. Staple your finger.
844. Open the wrong side of the milk carton.
843. Burn your marshmallow.
842. Drop the toothpicks.
841. Or the sequins.
840. Or the ball bearings.
839. Belabor your point.
837. Beat a dead horse.
836. Make an analogy that's as bad as a popsicle in the rain.
834. Cut yourself opening a can.
833. Blow out the candle along with the match.
832. Hit a rock with the mower.
831. Cut yourself shaving.
830. Put your T-shirt on backwards.
829. Wear a T-shirt with graphics that shows through your dress shirt.
828. Pull out the gaz nozzle while it's still pumping.
827. Miss a check in your checkbook.
826. Forget to sign a check.
825. Accidentally throw the check in the trash.
824. Men, go into the ladies room.
823. Ladies, go into the men's room.
822. Forget to duck where there's low clearance.
821. Walk right into a clear glass door.
820. Mis-time stepping off an escalator.
819. Hand the police officer a credit card instead of your license.
818. Get in the wrong line.
817. Find out after you've been in the wrong line for a long time.
816. Press the wrong elevator button.
815. Go past the right channel using the TV remote.
814. Park outside the lines.
813. Mess up the drink order.
812. Tip with a smaller bill than you meant to.
811. Tip with a larger bill than you meant to.
810. Forget to tip.
809. Accidentally park in a handicapped spot.
808. Forget to release the emergency brake.
807. At a stop light, turn right into a parking lot so that you can exit at a green light and immediately be on your way—but mis-time it so that you have to wait for other cars, thus getting behind yourself in traffic.
806. Get ahead of yourself.
805. Shut the door on the seatbelt.
804. Shut the door on your hand.
803. Shut the door on someone else's hand.
802. Order a 12" sub at the computer kiosk when you meant to order the 6".
801. Enter the restricted area at Cape Canaveral.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

900. Leave your marker uncapped.
899. Ask a woman when the baby is due ... and find that she's not pregnant.
898. Use a permanent marker on a dry-erase board.
897. Wipe your dirty hands on the towels that are only for display.
896. Show up at what you thought was a costume party.
895. Lean too far back in your chair.
894. Realize that your father actually didn't want you to say that one more time.
893. Show up at the test with only Number 1 pencils.
892. Use a permanent marker on a dry-erase board.
891. Pinch your finger in your ring binder.
890. Get a paper cut.
889. Stand behind a mule.
888. Sing the wrong verse in the hymn.
887. Realize after the storm begins that your windows are down.
886. Finish wrapping the gift and then lose track of which person it's for.
885. Let the impossible-to-see end of the packaging tape fall back on the roll.
884. Reach for the doorknob ... after building up static walking on carpet.
883. Learn that you overloaded a cardboard box ... by having the bottom collapse.
882. Switch to live TV ... and then learn that your son was in the process of selecting a bunch of recorded program to delete ... a function that you weren't even aware of.
881. Make fun of a joke before it's over.
880. Shave one sideburn higher than the other.
879. Crack a tooth tightening the lace on your baseball glove.
878. Tie your necktie so that the part in back is longer than the part in front.
877. Botch the place setting.
875. Leave marker ink on the table right through the paper.
874. Open a soda that's all shaken up.
873. Burn the toast.
872. And the eggs.
871. Let the cat out of the bag.
870. Not to mention spill the beans.
869. Steal the bookmark that you thought your mate wasn't using.
868. Leave the curling iron on.
867. Bat the ball through a window.
866. Open your car door into someone else's.
865. Yell BINGO when you only have BING.
864. Roll a gutter ball.
863. Spike the ball into the net.
862. Leave your lavalier microphone on while you use the restroom.
861. Miss the bottom step.
860. Leave the water running.
859. And realize it after you return from vacation.
858. Overseas.
857. Try to eat just one Lay's potato chip.
856. Forget to save.
855. Hesitate.
854. Blink.
853. Lose your cool.
852. Shut the barn door when the cows are gone.
851. Don't stop and smell the roses.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

953. Hit the panic button on your key remote instead of the unlock button.
952. Forget that you have a key remote until you reach the car.
951. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet.
950. Forget to silence your cell phone in a movie.
949. Forget that you stashed your gum on the arm of a chair.
948. Over-nuke a hot dog.
947. During do-it-yourself assembly, install a part backwards.
946. Discover that you install the part backwards when you're nearly done.
945. Bite your tongue.
944. Let a fish that you caught jump out of your boat.
943. Spill your milk.
942. And then cry about it.
941. Tilt your head the wrong way as you move in for a kiss.
940. Tilt your body the wrong way as you move in for a hug.
939. Accidentally offer your left hand for a handshake.
938. Miss a belt loop.
937. Write the date with the previous year (happens a lot in January).
936. Place something in the fridge so that if falls out the next time you open the door.
935. After grocery shopping, leave the ice cream in the car on a warm day.
934. Leave a video in a hot car and discover it after it's warped.
933. Overfill your glass.
932. Lose your grip on your helium balloon.
931. Forget to shake the ketchup and get a blast of only that watery stuff.
930. Open your hot dog bun too wide and end up with two pieces.
929. Drive on the wrong side of the road when in a foreign country.
928. Get out the wrong side of an amusement park ride.
927. Fly a kite into a tree.
926. Forget your line in a play.
925. Mount a horse facing backwards.
924. Push the wrong button(s) in a vending macine.
923. Drop your keys down a storm drain.
922. Or into the trash.
921. Tee up ... and miss the ball completely.
920. Hit a sand trap.
919. Hike through poison ivy.
918. Discover sour milk and put the jug back in the fridge.
917. Wave to someone waving your way ... and discover the wave is for someone else.
916. Let housepaint splatter.
915. Lick a frozen flagpole.
914. Leave your food in reach of a hungry dog.
913. Forget to turn on your microphone.
912. Or get too close to your microphone.
911. Hit "9" for an outside line, then "1" for long distance ... then "1" again.
910. Lose track of where your garden hose is pointed.
909. Accidentally switch your headlights to highbeam as another car approaches.
908. Accidentally leave a baseball stadium without getting your hand stamped for re-entry.
907. Leave the lens cap on.
906. Put your T-shirt on backwards.
905. Go past the right time when setting a digital clock.
904. Let go of your sled at the top of the hill.
903. Bring mom aspirin for her aching back ... and then realize that you just stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.
902. Leave the game because your team doesn't have a chance to win ... and learn later that they came from behind to win.
901. Pull too hard on the potato chip bag.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

958. Spill your drink.
957. Drop the food off your plate.
956. Photocopy the blank side of the paper.
955. Wash white clothes with colored clothes.
954. Fall out of bed.

And so it begins ...

Today, we begin the list of the Top 1002 ways to deserve to hear "Ya Goof!"

1002. Make a Top 1002 List when you meant to make it the Top 1001.
1000. Misnumber.
999. Lose your keys.
998. Lose your car in the parking lot.
997. Leave your lights on.
996. Forget to zip up.
995. Wear different color socks.
994. Misplace your glasses.
993. Forget your towel when you go to the gym.
992. Forget sunscreen.
991. Go to the wrong address.
990. Dial the wrong number.
989. Call your kid by the wrong name.
988. Grap the wrong hand.
987. Take the wrong seat in the movie theater.
986. Forget to have them hold the mayo on the sandwich for (insert name here).
985. Misbutton.
984. Oversleep.
983. Mistake salt for sugar.
982. And vice-versa.
981. Show up for an event on the wrong day.
980. Step in dog poop.
979. Go to the wrong movie theater.
978. Add 1 cup instead of 1 tablespoon.
977. And vice-versa.
976. Repeat yourself without meaning to.
975. Repeat yourself without meaning to.
974. Mispel.
973. Go all lysdexic.
972. Drink from the wrong glass.
971. Walk right into someone.
970. Scrape someone's fender.
969. Take the wrong coat.
968. Forget to set your clock back.
967. Or forward.
966. Start counting down and forget and start counting up.
965. Forget that last one.
964. Forget to record an important show.
963. Cut the Christmas tree to 65" inches instead of 6'5".
962. Overtighten a bolt and crack the toilet that you're installing.
961. Cut a board too short.
960. Forget (insert name here)'s birthday.
959. Accidentally delete your list of 1002 ways to goof up. (Previous items reconstructed.)

D'oor!

A couple Saturdays ago, I took out a window air conditioner and carried it out the front door. It's a big bulky thing, so I couldn't see where I was going, and I scratched the door on the way out. See? Sigh.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Our son, the Cokehead

Here's Emmett in this year's Halloween costume, adapted from a prop that I made back in high school. We added a little stability by stuffing a partially-inflated beachball behind his head.

Two words: Proud. Pop.