Tips for an Emergency Room Physician

(The following is taken from a document that I just wrote and sealed into an envelope to mail to one of the local hospitals, after an adventure that we had this afternoon)

Tips for an Emergency Room Physician: How to Come Across as Arrogant

An example scenario:

Patient is 15. Has severe lower abdominal pain. Is accompanied by his father.

You’ve done an initial exam. You suspect a stomach virus that’s going around. You’ve ordered a urine sample, blood tests, an X-ray. After reviewing the test results, you conclude that it is indeed a stomach virus. You communicate this to the patient and his father.

So far so good. The patient and his father are satisfied with your care. Here’s your chance to come across as arrogant.

The father asks, “Any chance of appendicitis?”

Let your mouth drop open as if this question is unfathomable. Smirk. Roll your eyes and/or put the sound of rolling your eyes into your voice. In your reply, include the words “When it’s stomach pain, everyone thinks it’s appendicitis.” This creates a picture of the father's belonging to a large population of the ignorant.

You’ll know you have succeeded in coming across as arrogant if the father comments, “Don’t jump on me.” (Because that will mean that he feels that you jumped on him.)

A suggested response to the father: “I’m not jumping on you. I’m just trying to explain.”

Suppose that the father continues, “Do you want feedback on how you’re coming across?” Assure him that you do, but let your face and tone of voice communicate that you don’t, that you’re just humoring him and falling back on those hazy memories of instruction in bedside manner.

Important notes! Actions that could interfere with your coming across as arrogant:

Take into account that emergency room visits are rare for most people, and even their routine and uninformed questions are sincere inquiries.

Take into account that a father might feel an obligation to ask a question not only for his child's sake, not only for his own peace of mind, but also for the sake of his wife, who insisted that he ask that question, particularly because as a child, she nearly died from a ruptured appendix.

Take into account that your natural inclination for answering a question may not communicate the attitude that you intend.

Take into account that there’s a sign on the wall of the examining room encouraging visitors to speak up if they have any questions or concerns. A misguided person might classify a perception of being treated rudely as a concern.

Good luck, Doctor!

Armstrong un-goofs!

Hey! The story from yesterday continues! Look at the email that I discovered after lunch today:

I would like to personally respond to your comments posted yesterday relative to your being on hold for four hours with Armstrong. My name is Charles Wrightson and I am responsible for Customer Service in our Floor Products Operation. This is totally unacceptable customer service and we sincerely apologize for your extended inconvenience. Our caller experience is extremely important to us and we take the process very seriously.

We do track metrics specific to phone calls with all departments. Our records indicate the longest hold time for yesterday in any department for Flooring Products was 9 minutes 28 seconds. Our corporate communications team also ran a query for all 23 incoming queues for the entire Company and the longest hold time was 17 minutes ( which is used for internal vendors and retirees ). So your experience leads us to believe that we may have a problem with our systems. Would you please do us a favor and tell us which phone number you used to contact us and most importantly we want to help you with your question regarding the floor in your church.

From your message , it is difficult to determine how we can best reach you, other than by e mail. My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I will be travelling the rest of this week, so please leave a message if I don`t answer , or you can reach Kathy Mallinson at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Again, we apologize and are extremely embarrassed by your experience. I can assure you it is not how we want to be perceived, nor how we normally conduct business. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to recover from our goof.

Nice! Here's how I replied:

Now *this* is encouraging! Not only because it looks like I'll get some information but because Armstrong is hip enough to watch even little-read blogs (and fewer blogs are littler-read than this one!). I assume you watch the net for mention of your company with Google alerts or other means. Way to stay current, AWI! I'll post this on the blog in a way that will give you heaps of credit but protect your privacy.

I was calling from xxx-xxx-xxxx. Please let me know what your log shows for that number, if anything. I'll try calling you now. Thanks.

And a little later, I added:

Satisfaction at last! I tried your phone, got your voice mail, called Kathy, and she transferred me to Jennie Kapwell, who gave me solid answers! I'm once again strong on Armstrong! As mentioned in my previous email, I called from xxx-xxx-xxxx and hope to hear back as to whether that number shows up in your system. And I'll give you kudos on YaGoof.com tonight! Thanks.

I really have to hand it to Armstrong. I'm not completely surprised, though. I attended a work seminar some years ago where there was a very interesting speaker who spoke about how seriously Armstrong takes customer service. As I recall, the speaker said that Armstrong had a product that customers regularly damaged by using the wrong type of cleaner, apparently because they weren't reading the directions, and the result was many unhappy customers. Armstrong turned the situation around by beginning to print their support number right on the product, which made customers have to call up to ask how to get the !@#$ printing off--which created the opportunity to tell the customers the correct type of cleaner to use! Satisfaction soared! Brilliant! The speaker's point was that complainers (like moi) can become among the most loyal of customers if you treat them right.

There's no doubt that the next time I need to think about flooring, the first brand that I'll consider will be Armstrong. Armstrong World Industries is our first official Un-Goof.

Charles Wrightson, thanks so much for your email! I do hope to hear back about whether my phone number shows up in your system--and maybe you can verify or correct the details of the "how do you remove the printing story."

Just hold on an afternoon now, ya whippersnapper

I set a personal record today.

I waited on hold on the telephone for four straight hours. Yep, 12:30 until 4:30, when the company I was calling closes and anyone who happens to be waiting on hold is just ... let go.

The company: Armstrong World Industries

The situation: Our church just had new flooring installed, and we received some advice to apply wax. I researched it on Armstrong.com--which has lots of great info--and it doesn't look like we should apply wax (just cleaner and polish instead), but I wanted a technical rep to confirm that, so I called the support line.


Let's see, since I heard it about 800 times, maybe I can recall what the recorded voice kept saying every so often ... It was something like ...

Thank you for your patience, but we don't have anyone to talk to you, so please go to our website instead.

Okay, okay, it was a little nicer than that, but the result was the same: No live help.

The reason I held on so long: I had a bunch of (relatively brainless) design to do at work today, and I have a headset that plugs into my phone, so I just refused to hang up. After the first hour, it became a challenge. I had kind of hoped to listen to an entire Stephen King audio novel this afternoon, but hey ... the on-hold message from Armstrong World Industries is nearly as entertaining.

Nearly.

People of Armstrong ... Ya Goofs!