The reel way to walk a dog

Janet and I took our family's new dog, Duke Ellington Wiley, on a walk last night. It was the first time that I'd used the nifty retractable leash that I'd picked up for him. (The handle is pink, which galls me, and I can't imagine how much it embarrasses Duke, but it was the only one in the right size at the store at the time, and I didn't want to wait.)

Those nifty retractable leashes are harder to handle than I expected. I immediately let out all of the leash, and at the first corner, Duke wrapped it around the telephone pole. While finishing the unwinding, I dropped the handle, and Duke took off. He was quickly at the heels of another couple (dogless) who were out walking.

"First day with the new leash," Janet explained. The couple took it in stride. Well, actually, they had to break stride so as not to trip on Duke, but what I mean is, they were good about it.

I captured Duke after a few attempts. He and the handle were both easier to er, handle after a long walk.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Taking the long short way

The eighth grade football team had its first game yesterday, in Dubois. The last time I was there was last year's first football game, so once again, I printed out directions from Google.

I was zooming up the new section of Interstate when I realized I wasn't supposed to be on it. I was supposed to have exited. Things like that irritate me. I spoke sharply to myself and later had to apologize.

The harsh words turned out to be unnecessary, because I liked the wrong route better than the right route. It was six miles longer, Google tells me, but the roads are better. I came back that way, too, and enjoyed it. I have to hand it to myself.

Good job, Ya Goof.

The right (wrong) way

The wrong (right) way

P.S. While reviwing this post, I noticed that, fittingly, the maps shown indicate the reverse of the routes that I wanted to show. "A" should be "B" and "B" "A."

Keith, Ya Goof.

Diversion of funds

I was rooting in the refrigerator when Janet came to the table behind me and said, "I'm taking ten dollars for Emmett for dinner tomorrow. He has an away football game."

"Uh-huh."

She took the money into the other room, gave it to Emmett, then came back and made a little note of realization in her throat. "This isn't your wallet."

I turned, wondering how I'd acquired someone else's wallet. I glanced at the bag that I carry to work and saw that my wallet was still in it.

Turns out that Janet had given Emmett money from Ethan's wallet.

"I was wondering," Janet said, "why you had a picture of Ethan's girlfriend in your wallet."

Janet, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

455. Write out a note to include with other stuff in an envelope, and send the envelope on its way minus the note.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

456. Let your paint rag slop paint into the wrong area.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

461. Sign your first and last name on a postcard that you're sending to your child at summer camp.
460. Dial a telephone number by punching the numbers on your computer keyboard (when you're not using Internet telephone).
459. Look up a person (e.g. Jill Jones) on the company phone list by your private nickname for her (e.g. "Trixie").
458. Call up the person who maintains the company phone list to ask why Jill Jones isn't included.
457. Finally locate Jill Jones' phone number and call her, then realize that you need to call Bob Smith about Jill Jones.

1001 ways to goof up (continued)

463. Look up a person on the company phone list by their nickname.
462. When you need to ask Person A a question about Person B, dial Person B by mistake.

Hey! Everybody look in your drawers

Happy Father's Day, Mr. Emmett Eldred. Thanks for forwarding this email from Wally V.

Isn't this crazy? I had no idea!
(now I need to go look!)

I've been using aluminum foil for more years than I care to remember. Great stuff, but sometimes it can be a pain. You know, like when you are in the middle of doing something and you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box. Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

Well, I would like to share this with you. Yesterday I went to throw out an empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it and looked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, "Press here to lock end". Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there? I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too. I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too! I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up.

I'm sharing this with my friends that did not know this. I hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about this.

I bet I know what you're going to do after reading this.....!!!

Thanks, Wally! And to each of us who's never made a close examination of a wrap box, I say: Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

464. Get distracted at your kid's Little League game and miss his at-bat

Hallelujah-goof

Church song leaders, please take note: There's a song that sounds very nice in rounds: "Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God." The title comes from the first verse. The chorus makes a lovely backdrop with "Hallelujah" draped across some lovely notes.

BUT don't start the round until after the end of the second verse: "And his righteousness."

If you start it after the first verse, there's a good chance that your effort will melt. Run a test round. You'll see.

Speaking from recent experience here.

Doubt me at your peril, Ya Song-Leadin' Goof.

Know what I mean about that scene?

Ever watch a movie and notice a scene comprised entirely of reaction shots? One that makes you say of the two actors, "They weren't even there as the same time!"

I've been saying that often lately. One film notable for this: The Natural.

Ethan beat me to the punch the other day. We were watching The Return of the King. It was a scene between Smeagol and Gollum.
Ethan, Ya Goof.

If you don't get his joke, you'll just have to watch all three "Lord of the Rings" movies. Pay attention.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

466. Perfandm a find-replace in Microsoft Wandd without taking into account all of the places where a set of letters appears in your document.

465. Go to put a pen in the pocket of a shirt that doesn't have pockets.

Read this tomorrow and pretend it's still April

A few months ago, I came across a notice that Baskin-Robbins would offer 31¢ scoops in the evening on April 30 (today). Naturally, cheapskate ice cream hound that I am, I marked that in the family calendar and eagerly watched the day approach.

This morning, I mentioned this momentous opportunity to Ethan and Emmett, and a thought occurred to me.

"I wonder why they didn't schedule this for tomorrow," I said. "31 cents on the 31st."

"Very funny," Emmett said.

"Yeah, clever, no?"

"No."

"Huh?"

"Dad, there are only 30 days in April."

Beat.

"I knew that."

For my mistake: Keith, Ya Goof!

For not scheduling this promotion in a month that does have 31 days: Baskin-Robbins event scheduler, Ya—

No, I can't say that. Baskin-Robbins must schedule the event at this time of year to get into your head going into the summer ice cream eating season, rather than choosing March 31 or waiting until July 31. Can't fault 'em for that.

P.S. I don't know how long Baskin-Robbins has had its new logo, but I that embedded "31" is way cool.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

467. Park too far away from the gas pump to reach your gas tank with the nozzle.

Little did she think that her drink ...

Ethan reported that a friend's father waited until nearly the last minute on his taxes. He spent all of this past Sunday doing the work. Then on Monday morning, when the documents were sitting neatly on the kitchen table ...

... one of his kids spilled chocolate milk all over them.

So he had to copy them out all over again.

And I say (but not to the child): Ya Goof!

Liddle me this

Kids need chores.

So you give them chores.

Like: "Put away the dishes."

And this is what you get:

Big lids on small pots. Note the big glass lid on the medium pot. Precarious.

And see the white rack where lids are actually supposed to go? Note the empty spaces.

Sigh ...

Guys, Ya Goofs!

Tips for an Emergency Room Physician

(The following is taken from a document that I just wrote and sealed into an envelope to mail to one of the local hospitals, after an adventure that we had this afternoon)

Tips for an Emergency Room Physician: How to Come Across as Arrogant

An example scenario:

Patient is 15. Has severe lower abdominal pain. Is accompanied by his father.

You’ve done an initial exam. You suspect a stomach virus that’s going around. You’ve ordered a urine sample, blood tests, an X-ray. After reviewing the test results, you conclude that it is indeed a stomach virus. You communicate this to the patient and his father.

So far so good. The patient and his father are satisfied with your care. Here’s your chance to come across as arrogant.

The father asks, “Any chance of appendicitis?”

Let your mouth drop open as if this question is unfathomable. Smirk. Roll your eyes and/or put the sound of rolling your eyes into your voice. In your reply, include the words “When it’s stomach pain, everyone thinks it’s appendicitis.” This creates a picture of the father's belonging to a large population of the ignorant.

You’ll know you have succeeded in coming across as arrogant if the father comments, “Don’t jump on me.” (Because that will mean that he feels that you jumped on him.)

A suggested response to the father: “I’m not jumping on you. I’m just trying to explain.”

Suppose that the father continues, “Do you want feedback on how you’re coming across?” Assure him that you do, but let your face and tone of voice communicate that you don’t, that you’re just humoring him and falling back on those hazy memories of instruction in bedside manner.

Important notes! Actions that could interfere with your coming across as arrogant:

Take into account that emergency room visits are rare for most people, and even their routine and uninformed questions are sincere inquiries.

Take into account that a father might feel an obligation to ask a question not only for his child's sake, not only for his own peace of mind, but also for the sake of his wife, who insisted that he ask that question, particularly because as a child, she nearly died from a ruptured appendix.

Take into account that your natural inclination for answering a question may not communicate the attitude that you intend.

Take into account that there’s a sign on the wall of the examining room encouraging visitors to speak up if they have any questions or concerns. A misguided person might classify a perception of being treated rudely as a concern.

Good luck, Doctor!

Mighty, mighty acolyte

A darling girl in our church, Colleen, served as acolyte last Sunday.

The major duties of the acolyte are:

• At the beginning of worship, light the altar candle.

• At the end of worship, carry the flame from the altar candle down the center aisle.

The main tool for these duties is something that the internet has taught me is called a Candelighter (and here I was all prepared for the device to have a weird name) that also features a little cup that acts as a snuffer. A wick runs through the long handle of the Candlelighter; you push a little handle to feed wick to the end of the tool.

The wick burns down quickly, so you have to keep pushing the handle up, or it won't stay lit.

This past weekend, Colleen exhibited notable courage in the face of severe lighting and snuffing challenges.

First of all, she had to light the candle blind. Since her last tour of duty, the candle has melted enough to develop quite a divot around its wick ...

... so the acolyte has to lower the flame below the top rim of the candle to reach the wick. Colleen's not tall enough to see over that rim. She could only see the top of the flame from the candle after it was lit. Hence, she had to light blind.

Conversely, as the service was concluding, Colleen also had to light the Candlelighter blind. Meaning that she had to lower the wick of the Candlelighter where she figured the flame must be and then raise the Candlelighter to see whether its wick has caught. She had to dip in there a few times before she had her Candlelighter's wick going.

Then came the snuffing.

Colleen found that the candle's divot wouldn't let her lower the snuffing cup enough to do its job. Little streams of air snuck in under the edge of the cup and kept the flame alive. She made one, two, three attempts. Finally, she had to press the cup down on top of the candle with extra firmness ...

... until finally she pulled it up and saw wispy smoke that meant a successful snuffing.

Only by then, the wick of the Candlelighter was also extinguished. Remember, it burns down quickly.

Collen pushed up the handle in hopes that there was enough spark on the end of the wick to bloom into flame, but alas, it was not to be.

The pastor smiled and waved Colleen on down the aisle. She did so with a bit of a hitch in her smile, but with her head held high. Hey, that flame is just symbolic after all. It was a nice reminder that the true light of Christ burns within.

Someone (maybe it will be me) needs to take that divoted candle in hand and shave off the rim until the wick is once again standing in the clear. To each of us who didn't think to do that yet, I say: Ya Goof!

Looked who showed up for the show

A significant percentage of the readership of YaGoof.com (Okay, one person; still a big chunk of the audience) has correctly pointed out that it's high time for a post.

The thing is, out-of-town visitors got us out of our humdrum routines. But it was definitely worth it. If not for these visitors, there would be no YaGoof.

That's right, my parents came to town.

They were here to see Ethan and Emmett appear in Willy Wonka, Jr, a musical play version of Charlie and the Cholcolate Factory. Ethan played the father of Charlie; Emmett played—oh, what's his name? The character who sings "The Candy Man Can." Give me a few minutes, it'll come to me.

It was not a trip without goofs. Let the tally begin ...

WE WERE LATE TO UNION STATION
Amtrak's Vermonter line, bearing my parents, was due into Union Station in Washington, DC, at 10 pm last Thursday. That was the best mass transit option that we found. They would board in Vermont and disembark in DC after a cushy ride of only eleven hours. (Nothing to it!) One alternative was coming straight to the nearest train station, in Altoona. That sounds good, but it wouldn't have been a straight trip; with layovers in New York and Boston, it would have meant 21 hours. (A travel duration that we ended up giving a run for its money, but that's getting ahead of the story ...)

Janet and I left home at 6 pm, and had a nice drive to DC. We hit the Beltway at about 9:00. In a jiffy, we were in sight of downtown, where Union Station is.

But 45 minutes later, we were still hunting for Union Station. Curses on thee, thou steaming pile of wrong turns!

We used to drive to DC regularly several years ago, when Janet had an internship at the Library of Congress. We both remembered driving in and out as being a piece of cake.

Piece of cake. Riiiiight.

Were our navigation problems this time due to age? Changes to the streets? Fatigue? (Feel free to email other suggested excuses.) At any rate, we made it to Union Station only a couple minutes before the 10:00 train. Only to find that ...

THE TRAIN WAS LATE
As soon as we entered the lobby, the status board told us the 10:00 train would arrive at 11:00.

In reality, it came in at 11:02.

And then ...

WE COULDN'T ESCAPE THE CITY
We drove around and around and around trying to find our old favorite exit route, Connecticut Avenue. On the bright side, Janet and I renewed our tag-team mapreading skills. Meaning that whenever we'd find ourselves off track, I'd pull over and we'd scour the route and plot the next step. Then Janet would trace our progress with her finger. Get lost. Repeat.

We zigged and zagged for about an hour and a half extra and ended up depositing Mom and Daddy at their preferred motel in town at 3:00 am. A trip of only 18 hours for them. (Note: Still a savings of 3 hours over the bus route!)

FRIDAY WAS UNEVENTFUL
Except for the guys being part of a smash performance!

Well, there was one little thing ...

DADDY LOST TRACK OF HIS MOTEL ROOM
He couldn't remember the number after stepping out for a minute, so he had to stop in at the office and find out what it was. "You're not the first this has happened to," the attendant assured him.

SATURDAY WAS GOOFLESS
And there was another excellent play performance!

And it turned out that Janet's mother has a Garmin Navigator in her car that she would let us borrow for the return trip to DC. She showed us how to use it, we gave it a trial run—things were looking up! That eased our minds a little about our impending need to get up at 3:00 am to make it to Union Station on time for my parents' return train. Except that last Sunday, 3:00 am was 2:00 am because ....

WE LOST AN HOUR TO THE SWITCH DAYLIGHT SAVINGS
Sigh.

And naturally ...

THE GPS UNIT DIDN'T WORK
No matter what we tried, the screen kept telling us "GPS OFF." So we had to resort to the trace-the-route-by-the-finger-in-between-instances-of-pulling-over method.

But we did make it to the train on time.

After consulting the Garmin manual when we got home, we learned that when the unit loses its connection to the satellite, you need to take it out of the car to an open area, away from buildings and trees, to re-establish the link. That worked.

All in all, a pleasant and memorable time with ample opportunities to say ... YaGoof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

493. Get out of your car to pump gas without pulling the lever that opens the door to the gas tank.
492. Forget to put your gas cap back on.
491. Forget to close the door to your gas tank.
490. Forget to close the door to your gas tank.
480. Forget to put a memory card in your camera.
479. Forget to push the record button on your tape recorder.
478. Forget to secure your laptop in the case with the Velcro straps.
477. Forget to zip your laptop case.
476. Lose your grip on the soap.
475. Misstep while jumping rope.
474. Accidentally dip your nose into the whipped cream on your hot chocolate.
473. Chew with your mouth open.
472. Drive with your trunk open.
471. Pull too far forward in a parking space, so that you're car juts out too far.
470. Drift off while typingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg and keep pressing one key.
469. Fling cake batter around your kitchen by pulling your electric mixer up too high.