The scene: Afternoon at Longer Elementary School.
The situation: Emmett had to go to the bathroom.
The action: He asked permission.
The result: Ms. Brill granted it.
What happened next: In the bathroom, Emmett remembered that he was due at cello lesson.
So: He went (bathroomically speaking).
Then: He went (straight to cello lesson).
After which: Emmett was called to the office.
Who was there: Ms. Brill.
Emmett explained: Where he went!
The moral of the story: Emmett, Ya Goof!
Feb 26, 2007
Feb 23, 2007
Generosity. With holes?
Some Dunkin Donuts appeared at work on Wednesday. At the end of the day, there were still three in the box. At the end of my day, the box was in my van.
But I forgot to bring it in, and I didn't discover that until Thursday afternoon. But hey, temperatures are freezing these days. So they were preserved, right.
In the evening, I was on my way to pick up Emmett from a rehearsal at the Junior High play (of the Elementary play—confusing, I know) and passed the YMCA. Something possessed me—kindness? whimsy? need of a blogging topic?—to stop and offer the doughnuts to my friend who works the front desk, Sam(antha).
"Want some free doughnuts, Sammy?"
"From where?"
"From work," I said. "I got them today." By today, of course, I meant yesterday. But I made up for that with a forthcoming comment. "They're not exactly super-fresh, but hey."
"Well, uh, thanks."
I have to imagine that the doughnuts made their way between the jaws of the teenage boys hanging around in the lobby. They had made their interest known when they spotted my orange-and-maroon offering with exclamations of "Oooooooh."
But say that Sam did munch one. And it was stale.
Do I net out positive because of the surprise? Or net negative because I had (sort of) presented her with pastries on the slippery slope to being trash?
How do I get myself into these situations, anyway?
Keith, Ya Goof!
Feb 20, 2007
The doctor won't see you now
Janet and the boys likes to sleep in when they can. Yesterday, Presidents' Day, was a perfect opportunity for that—no school and the Library was closed—EXCEPT the boys had doctors' appointments at 8:30. So they all got up by 7:30 and were out the door by 8:00.
My phone rang at 9:45. It was Ethan.
"How did the doctor appointments go?" I said.
"They're not until next Monday."
Ooooooh, bummer. Thankfully, it wasn't me who put the appointment in the calendar.
Janet, Ya Goof!
My phone rang at 9:45. It was Ethan.
"How did the doctor appointments go?" I said.
"They're not until next Monday."
Ooooooh, bummer. Thankfully, it wasn't me who put the appointment in the calendar.
Janet, Ya Goof!
Feb 14, 2007
1002 ways to goof up (continued)
580. Drive too fast on snow and slide as you brake.
579. Take one pair of shoes off because you've got to put on boots, but then absent-mindedly put the shoes back on.
578. Pick a fight with your spouse on Valentine's Day.
577. Absent-mindedly wear your best piece of red clothing on February 13.
576. Start a diet on Super Bowl Sunday.
575. Buy the wrong size ink cartridge.
579. Take one pair of shoes off because you've got to put on boots, but then absent-mindedly put the shoes back on.
578. Pick a fight with your spouse on Valentine's Day.
577. Absent-mindedly wear your best piece of red clothing on February 13.
576. Start a diet on Super Bowl Sunday.
575. Buy the wrong size ink cartridge.
Feb 12, 2007
Say it ain't soap.
Am I such a bad guy if one of the kids who sometimes comes over to our house on Sunday afternoon gets under my skin?
Well, sort of. He invites Emmett over a lot, which makes for quiet Sunday afternoons.
But you parents out there know how it is with some kids. They just make you—grrrrrrr. But when your kid is at his house a lot, ya gotta have him over some of the time. Keep a kind of balance.
Yesterday struck me as a good day to have this kid over, because we were all planning to go to a dog show in the next town over. That would eat up some time.
But not enough. We left the show about 2:00. The time to hand the kid back over—the golden horizon in my mind—was 2:30.
We used another 20 minutes on a visit to an elderly member of our church who lives around the corner from this kid.
10 minutes to freedom.
But we couldn't just—you know, wait in the kid's driveway. That finish wouldn't be nearly elegant enough. So I set a plan in motion.
"Let's zip over to the Super Sheetz," I said. "I have a car wash coming."
I was talking about the showcase Sheetz store on 17th Street in Altoona, complete with restaurant seating, coffee bar and car wash. I explained that the day before, I had paid for a car wash through the gas pump and received a receipt with a code. I hadn't used the code right then because there turned out to be a long line at the wash.
When we got to the wash, there was a line again. But I had to have the wash sometime. I got into the line. I instantly regretted it when I multiplied the number of cars by the time of an average car wash. But by then, there was another car behind us.
One hour later, we rolled out nice and clean. After spending more quality time with the kid. We turned him over at 3:45. And it was ... All. My. Fault.
Keith, Ya Goof!
Feb 9, 2007
Take my wife ... aside while I take this question.
Let me have the attention of all the veteran and skilled husbands out there. What would you say in a situation like this?
Our church fellowship hall was used for a Valentine's Day party last night. The guests were special-needs adults, friends of a member of our congregation, a beautiful young lady with Down Syndrome. I had a wonderful time with them through dinner and a craft project. I took a minute to call Janet, who was working late, to come join us. She did, arriving for the end of the craft-making, and then we all sat down for bingo.
Cheryl, one of the party guests, apparently thought that Janet was a handicapped guest who had come late, but she also heard someone say that she was my wife. Janet was at my side when Cheryl tugged on my sleeve and asked, "What's the matter with your wife?"
I came up with one of the following answers. See whether you like any. Or maybe they'll all simply make you say: "Keith, Ya Goof!"
What's the matter with your wife?
a. Oh, where do I start?
b. Lots of things. Same as me. We're a perfect match.
c. We don't know. We haven't gotten the test results back yet.
d. Absolutely nothing. It's really irritating.
Our church fellowship hall was used for a Valentine's Day party last night. The guests were special-needs adults, friends of a member of our congregation, a beautiful young lady with Down Syndrome. I had a wonderful time with them through dinner and a craft project. I took a minute to call Janet, who was working late, to come join us. She did, arriving for the end of the craft-making, and then we all sat down for bingo.
Cheryl, one of the party guests, apparently thought that Janet was a handicapped guest who had come late, but she also heard someone say that she was my wife. Janet was at my side when Cheryl tugged on my sleeve and asked, "What's the matter with your wife?"
I came up with one of the following answers. See whether you like any. Or maybe they'll all simply make you say: "Keith, Ya Goof!"
What's the matter with your wife?
a. Oh, where do I start?
b. Lots of things. Same as me. We're a perfect match.
c. We don't know. We haven't gotten the test results back yet.
d. Absolutely nothing. It's really irritating.
Feb 6, 2007
Cel-loooo-oooo. Where are you?
Ethan had a cello lesson tonight at the high school. When I dropped him off, he said that he'd be done at 7:20.
It's one of those nights when I'm tired (insert whiny voice here) and the last thing I wanted to do was drive down to the high school. Twice. But such is parenting.
I was at the high school right at 7:20. I even made sure of it by rolling the minutes on the dashboard clock back from 21 to 20. (It was a minute fast, anyway. Really.)
Then I sat. And sat. Until 7:35.
When Ethan came out, he said that the instructor had simply gone over. Okay, fine. So I pulled out.
A little way down the road, Ethan said, "Wait. I forgot my watch inside."
So there went another three or four minutes. Okay, so we're only talking about a little bit of time. But I'm tired.
Ethan, Ya Goof!
It's one of those nights when I'm tired (insert whiny voice here) and the last thing I wanted to do was drive down to the high school. Twice. But such is parenting.
I was at the high school right at 7:20. I even made sure of it by rolling the minutes on the dashboard clock back from 21 to 20. (It was a minute fast, anyway. Really.)
Then I sat. And sat. Until 7:35.
When Ethan came out, he said that the instructor had simply gone over. Okay, fine. So I pulled out.
A little way down the road, Ethan said, "Wait. I forgot my watch inside."
So there went another three or four minutes. Okay, so we're only talking about a little bit of time. But I'm tired.
Ethan, Ya Goof!
Feb 3, 2007
1002 ways to goof up (continued)
598. Get picked off base.
597. Order a rocket from Acme Products when you're all too familiar with their history of malfunctions.
596. Pee on an electric fence.
595. Use your mom's best scarf to dress up a snowman.
594. Use your dad's best tie to dress up a snowman.
593. Apply the frosting before toasting your struedel.
592. Say "I can't believe it's not butter" every time you taste (guess what).
591. Shovel snow into a spot that someone has just cleared of snow.
590. Paddle on the same side of a canoe as a fellow canoer, so you end up going in circles.
589. Exit your workplace on a wintry day, only to find that you left your gloves inside your snow-covered car.
588. Rather than take a minute to scrape your windshield, drive hunched over peering through the tiny stretch of glass.
587. Use the last of the bulk bottled water in the office, but leave the big container for someone else to change.
586. Buy fund-raising sandwiches at work, then forget them in the office fridge until it's far too late.
585. When you've got to change your shoes, try to pull your pants off OVER the shoes. It never works! You're living a lie!
584. Scrape one side of the mouth of your garage.
583. Leave a video in the hot sun to melt.
582. Accidentally block the store aisle with your shopping cart.
581. Forget that you were going to wait for a store clerk checking to see if that shirt is still in stock in that color.
597. Order a rocket from Acme Products when you're all too familiar with their history of malfunctions.
596. Pee on an electric fence.
595. Use your mom's best scarf to dress up a snowman.
594. Use your dad's best tie to dress up a snowman.
593. Apply the frosting before toasting your struedel.
592. Say "I can't believe it's not butter" every time you taste (guess what).
591. Shovel snow into a spot that someone has just cleared of snow.
590. Paddle on the same side of a canoe as a fellow canoer, so you end up going in circles.
589. Exit your workplace on a wintry day, only to find that you left your gloves inside your snow-covered car.
588. Rather than take a minute to scrape your windshield, drive hunched over peering through the tiny stretch of glass.
587. Use the last of the bulk bottled water in the office, but leave the big container for someone else to change.
586. Buy fund-raising sandwiches at work, then forget them in the office fridge until it's far too late.
585. When you've got to change your shoes, try to pull your pants off OVER the shoes. It never works! You're living a lie!
584. Scrape one side of the mouth of your garage.
583. Leave a video in the hot sun to melt.
582. Accidentally block the store aisle with your shopping cart.
581. Forget that you were going to wait for a store clerk checking to see if that shirt is still in stock in that color.
Double or nothing (times two)
Ethan and Emmett have these nifty new ... let's call 'em wheeled floor chairs ... made for video gamers and dorm living ... that came from Target. They're just the right height for our old dog Muffy, who wears diapers and is finding it harder and harder to jump up on (regular) living room furniture for his morning (and noon) (and evening) snoozes.
When Ethan was taking these pictures, Muffy made himself comfortable stretching across both chairs but chose the floor over a single chair. Gotta love Ethan's comment: "For Muffy, it's double or nothing."
But when I came into the living room to see for myself, I found another little goof snoozing on the chairs.
When Ethan was taking these pictures, Muffy made himself comfortable stretching across both chairs but chose the floor over a single chair. Gotta love Ethan's comment: "For Muffy, it's double or nothing."
But when I came into the living room to see for myself, I found another little goof snoozing on the chairs.
Feb 2, 2007
1002 ways to goof up (continued)
606. Leave the heat up before going to sleep, so you wake up in the middle of the night too warm.
605. Appear on American Idol when you really, really, really should not.
604. Leave a book outside overnight.
603. Accidentally tear a page in a borrowed book.
602. Put a Netflix return in the envelope upside down, so the barcode doesn't appear in the envelope slot like it should.
601. Leave the oven on.
600. Char a bagel half that turned out to be too thick for your toaster.
599. Enflame a marshmallow.
605. Appear on American Idol when you really, really, really should not.
604. Leave a book outside overnight.
603. Accidentally tear a page in a borrowed book.
602. Put a Netflix return in the envelope upside down, so the barcode doesn't appear in the envelope slot like it should.
601. Leave the oven on.
600. Char a bagel half that turned out to be too thick for your toaster.
599. Enflame a marshmallow.
Feb 1, 2007
Sofa, so good. Sorta.
As I type this, the family is watching TV. Smallville. (As posted elsewhere.)
Ethan is sitting in a low, wheeled fold-up chair from his room. Same for Emmett. Janet is sitting on the rocking chair that's usually on the back porch. I'm sitting in a chair that's usually out in the front hall. All of the usual seating is gone. Today it went out the double-hung window onto the front porch. Tomorrow, I'm having some new glass put in the one sash.
Don't worry, it was all by plan. Well, except for the broken glass.
We're having new living room furniture delivered on Saturday. Our old couch and love seat went to the Youth Group at the Methodist Church down the street. Ethan's a regular there.
The old furniture was too big to get out the front door. It originally came in through the front window. That's how we got it back out. But in the process, I cracked the glass in one sash. I tapped the frame a little too hard with the hammer. So tomorrow, I make a visit to the fine people at Ameraglass.
Keith, Ya Goof.
Ethan is sitting in a low, wheeled fold-up chair from his room. Same for Emmett. Janet is sitting on the rocking chair that's usually on the back porch. I'm sitting in a chair that's usually out in the front hall. All of the usual seating is gone. Today it went out the double-hung window onto the front porch. Tomorrow, I'm having some new glass put in the one sash.
Don't worry, it was all by plan. Well, except for the broken glass.
We're having new living room furniture delivered on Saturday. Our old couch and love seat went to the Youth Group at the Methodist Church down the street. Ethan's a regular there.
The old furniture was too big to get out the front door. It originally came in through the front window. That's how we got it back out. But in the process, I cracked the glass in one sash. I tapped the frame a little too hard with the hammer. So tomorrow, I make a visit to the fine people at Ameraglass.
Keith, Ya Goof.
Jan 31, 2007
All that (is) Jazz!
Crucial fact number one: I like Jazz, and Janet doesn't.
Jazz the new variety of Diet Pepsi, that is.
Crucial fact number two: Jazz is pretty much the same color as regular Diet Pepsi.
I brought home a two-liter bottle of Jazz the other night. By this morning, it was more than half gone, so I poured the remnant into a nearly-empty bottle of Diet Pepsi that Janet had left lurking in the fridge. I meant to take my new bottle of Jazz to work, but I forgot it.
Imagine Janet's surprise when she got a mouthful of Jazz.
Keith, Ya Goof!
Jan 27, 2007
Tag, you're it. Today's post, I mean.
Nyah, nyah, nyah—I bet you never got the chance to photograph a retail ink tag in your home.
(Unless you're a shoplifter.)
I bought this shirt today and later discovered that the tag was still on it. I'll bring it back tomorrow.
Hey, I got a post out of it, so naturally I won't say to the clerk: Ya Goof!
Jan 25, 2007
Unlucky 107
A friend, Matt, told this story at work the other day. He'd just come back from a business trip that included a night in a hotel. He woke up from a dead sleep to find that someone was at the door trying to get into his room. The clock read 1:07 a.m.
Groggy, Matt dialed the front desk. An equally groggy voice answered.
"Hullo?"
"This is Room 180. Someone's trying to get into my room. I think they just have the wrong number, but could you check it out?"
"Me?"
"Isn't this the front desk?"
"This is Room 107."
Matt had called the numbers he'd read off the clock.
Matt, Ya Goof!
Groggy, Matt dialed the front desk. An equally groggy voice answered.
"Hullo?"
"This is Room 180. Someone's trying to get into my room. I think they just have the wrong number, but could you check it out?"
"Me?"
"Isn't this the front desk?"
"This is Room 107."
Matt had called the numbers he'd read off the clock.
Matt, Ya Goof!
Jan 24, 2007
1002 ways to goof up (continued)
614. Forget to empty your pockets when putting your clothes in the laundry hamper.
613. Forget to check the pockets when putting clothes in the wash.
612. Leave your turning signal on long past your turn.
611. Leave an important doc
610. Put the end of your seatbelt into the wrong slot.
609. In a furniture store, lean too far back in a floor model chair and knock over some accesssories.
608. Criticize someone before you've walked a mile in their moccasins.
607. Type in the wrong URL.
613. Forget to check the pockets when putting clothes in the wash.
612. Leave your turning signal on long past your turn.
611. Leave an important doc
610. Put the end of your seatbelt into the wrong slot.
609. In a furniture store, lean too far back in a floor model chair and knock over some accesssories.
608. Criticize someone before you've walked a mile in their moccasins.
607. Type in the wrong URL.
Jan 18, 2007
Take a bite out of charity
Ironically, the apparently-huge hunks of goodness above are called Little Brownies.They're examples of the newest model of Girl Scout Cookie. And they're sugar-free! I ordered some through a friend, Dan.
Then I got to thinking: beginner Girl Scouts are called Brownies. They sell the cookies, too. So Brownies will be selling Brownies. For other people to eat.
Isn't that just a bit disturbing? Cannibalisitic? Or at least cookie-balistic?
Or am I over-thinking this and do I just need to someone to say: Keith, Ya Goof!
Jan 17, 2007
1002 ways to goof up (continued)
619. Shoot milk out your nose.
618. Make someone shoot milk out of their nose.
617. Fail to close your glove compartment completely, so that if keeps flopping open.
616. Driving off with your coffee cup on top of your car.
615. Swim head on into someone else.
618. Make someone shoot milk out of their nose.
617. Fail to close your glove compartment completely, so that if keeps flopping open.
616. Driving off with your coffee cup on top of your car.
615. Swim head on into someone else.
Jan 16, 2007
1002 ways to goof up (continued)
709. Drive too close to the curb and scrape your hubcap.
708. Forget to swing up the little flag up on the mailbox.
707. Forget to swing down the little flag on the mailbox.
706. Break the key off the Spam can.
705. Use a little metal manual can opener to try to ... wait for it ... open a can. By punching little intersecting triangular holes around the rim, but then reach a point where there's not enough metal for the can opener's point to grab onto, so that you're reduced to turning the can over into a bowl to catch the stuff that comes out while you try again on the other end.
704. Forget to wind your watch.
703. Over-wind your watch.
702. Break your pencil lead.
701. Miss a rung while descending a ladder.
700. While hiking, let a branch swing back and slap the person following you.
699. Stub your toe.
698. Store a ketchup bottle with a flip-top on the bottom right-side up, which means that the bottle is actually upside-down.
697. Try to serve yourself applesauce by turning the jar upside down rather than spoon it out and end up with most of the contents on your plate.
696. Rub a cat the wrong way.
695. Put the toilet paper on the roll so that the paper comes off the back.
694. You mean so that the paper comes off the FRONT.
693. Back!
692. Front!
691. BACK!
690. FRONT!
689. Enter an argument that you can't win.
688. Take off your swimsuit so that the drawstring knots and you can't get it off without skwunching over and trying to loosen the knot with your teeth.
687. Bite your fingernail to the quick.
686. Let your inspection sticker expire.
685. Open a cereal box from the wrong end.
684. Leave your signal light on way past your turn.
683. Misplace the tickets.
682. Misplace the wedding ring.
681. While driving on a car trip, and while your wife with a hangup about napkins is napping, stop at a drive-through for sandwiches, including one for her, and get back on the Interstate just as she is waking up and asking if you remembered to ask for napkins.
680. Fail to tighten your necktie that last little bit.
679. Walk away from the plate when there are only two strikes.
678. Referee: Blow your whistle accidentally.
677. Forget someone's name.
676. Grab the wrong shopping cart.
675. Flip your canoe.
674. Tip over the garbage can.
673. Change your pants while driving.
672. Forget to pick up the milk.
671. Run out of gas.
670. Bend the top of a banana as you start to peel it.
669. Leave the toilet seat up.
668. Leave the refrigerator door open.
667. Light a match and tilt it down instead of up.
666. Cut in line in front of the Anti-Christ.
665. Flip a half-cooked pancake so that only half is on the pan.
664. Or flip it onto another pancake.
663. Fail to match the password that you just entered while registering online.
662. Enter your password in the wrong field so that the person next to you sees what it is.
661. Let a domain name expire when you actually wanted to keep it.
660. Drop a stitch.
659. Carry (in volleyball).
658. Travel (in basketball).
657. Forget your towel when you go to the gym.
656. Go the wrong way through a turnstile.
655. Pass up Krispy Kreme while the red light is on, to squeeze in a quick trip to Wal-Mart, and then come out just in time to see the red light go out.
654. Leave your bank card behind at the ATM.
655. Leave your cash behind at the ATM.
654. Dial at "9" to get out, like you do at work, while you're at home.
653. Load the printer with special paper but forget to tell other people who are using the same printer.
652. Forget to set your odometer when following step-by-step driving directions.
651. Enter the wrong viewing room at a funeral parlor.
650. Miss your turn to go when four cars are stopped at a 4-way intersection.
649. Sell No-Bakes at a charity bake sale. I mean, would you sell a No-Wash at a charity Car Wash?
648. Take non-drowsy cough medicine when you meant to take the so-you-can-sleep kind.
647. Mix up the spent with the fresh when installing new batteries.
646. Make two appointments for the same time.
645. Overbake cookies.
644. Lose your Walkman while it's holding one of the tapes from a 24-tape audio book you borrowed from the Library.
643. Realize as you're drifting off to sleep that you left the radio on downstairs and can still hear it.
642. Serve to the net (tennis).
641. Blindly follow the crowd.
640. Accidentally drive off without paying for gas.
639. Accidentally leave the supermarket self-checkout without paying.
638. Run with scissors.
637. Make a mountain out of a molehill.
636. Throw out the baby with the bath water.
635. Cut off your nose to spite your face.
634. Fail to watch for falling rocks.
632. Offer to go second in tic-tac-toe.
631. Unless it's against a child.
630. Bark up the wrong tree.
629. Cross a steam vent wearing a flouncy dress.
628. Look a gift horse in the mouth.
627. Eat from the Tree of Forbidden Fruit.
626. Fall asleep in someone's bead after breaking, entering and eating their porridge.
625. Taunt others about how fast you are when you're made of gingerbread.
624. Cry wolf.
623. Prolong a cookie-dunking until the cookie just dissolves.
622. Over-swing your arms while power-walking.
621. Fail to tie your laces tight enough.
620. Knock over a $750,000 vase while touring Frank Lloyd Wright's Taleisin.
708. Forget to swing up the little flag up on the mailbox.
707. Forget to swing down the little flag on the mailbox.
706. Break the key off the Spam can.
705. Use a little metal manual can opener to try to ... wait for it ... open a can. By punching little intersecting triangular holes around the rim, but then reach a point where there's not enough metal for the can opener's point to grab onto, so that you're reduced to turning the can over into a bowl to catch the stuff that comes out while you try again on the other end.
704. Forget to wind your watch.
703. Over-wind your watch.
702. Break your pencil lead.
701. Miss a rung while descending a ladder.
700. While hiking, let a branch swing back and slap the person following you.
699. Stub your toe.
698. Store a ketchup bottle with a flip-top on the bottom right-side up, which means that the bottle is actually upside-down.
697. Try to serve yourself applesauce by turning the jar upside down rather than spoon it out and end up with most of the contents on your plate.
696. Rub a cat the wrong way.
695. Put the toilet paper on the roll so that the paper comes off the back.
694. You mean so that the paper comes off the FRONT.
693. Back!
692. Front!
691. BACK!
690. FRONT!
689. Enter an argument that you can't win.
688. Take off your swimsuit so that the drawstring knots and you can't get it off without skwunching over and trying to loosen the knot with your teeth.
687. Bite your fingernail to the quick.
686. Let your inspection sticker expire.
685. Open a cereal box from the wrong end.
684. Leave your signal light on way past your turn.
683. Misplace the tickets.
682. Misplace the wedding ring.
681. While driving on a car trip, and while your wife with a hangup about napkins is napping, stop at a drive-through for sandwiches, including one for her, and get back on the Interstate just as she is waking up and asking if you remembered to ask for napkins.
680. Fail to tighten your necktie that last little bit.
679. Walk away from the plate when there are only two strikes.
678. Referee: Blow your whistle accidentally.
677. Forget someone's name.
676. Grab the wrong shopping cart.
675. Flip your canoe.
674. Tip over the garbage can.
673. Change your pants while driving.
672. Forget to pick up the milk.
671. Run out of gas.
670. Bend the top of a banana as you start to peel it.
669. Leave the toilet seat up.
668. Leave the refrigerator door open.
667. Light a match and tilt it down instead of up.
666. Cut in line in front of the Anti-Christ.
665. Flip a half-cooked pancake so that only half is on the pan.
664. Or flip it onto another pancake.
663. Fail to match the password that you just entered while registering online.
662. Enter your password in the wrong field so that the person next to you sees what it is.
661. Let a domain name expire when you actually wanted to keep it.
660. Drop a stitch.
659. Carry (in volleyball).
658. Travel (in basketball).
657. Forget your towel when you go to the gym.
656. Go the wrong way through a turnstile.
655. Pass up Krispy Kreme while the red light is on, to squeeze in a quick trip to Wal-Mart, and then come out just in time to see the red light go out.
654. Leave your bank card behind at the ATM.
655. Leave your cash behind at the ATM.
654. Dial at "9" to get out, like you do at work, while you're at home.
653. Load the printer with special paper but forget to tell other people who are using the same printer.
652. Forget to set your odometer when following step-by-step driving directions.
651. Enter the wrong viewing room at a funeral parlor.
650. Miss your turn to go when four cars are stopped at a 4-way intersection.
649. Sell No-Bakes at a charity bake sale. I mean, would you sell a No-Wash at a charity Car Wash?
648. Take non-drowsy cough medicine when you meant to take the so-you-can-sleep kind.
647. Mix up the spent with the fresh when installing new batteries.
646. Make two appointments for the same time.
645. Overbake cookies.
644. Lose your Walkman while it's holding one of the tapes from a 24-tape audio book you borrowed from the Library.
643. Realize as you're drifting off to sleep that you left the radio on downstairs and can still hear it.
642. Serve to the net (tennis).
641. Blindly follow the crowd.
640. Accidentally drive off without paying for gas.
639. Accidentally leave the supermarket self-checkout without paying.
638. Run with scissors.
637. Make a mountain out of a molehill.
636. Throw out the baby with the bath water.
635. Cut off your nose to spite your face.
634. Fail to watch for falling rocks.
632. Offer to go second in tic-tac-toe.
631. Unless it's against a child.
630. Bark up the wrong tree.
629. Cross a steam vent wearing a flouncy dress.
628. Look a gift horse in the mouth.
627. Eat from the Tree of Forbidden Fruit.
626. Fall asleep in someone's bead after breaking, entering and eating their porridge.
625. Taunt others about how fast you are when you're made of gingerbread.
624. Cry wolf.
623. Prolong a cookie-dunking until the cookie just dissolves.
622. Over-swing your arms while power-walking.
621. Fail to tie your laces tight enough.
620. Knock over a $750,000 vase while touring Frank Lloyd Wright's Taleisin.
Jan 15, 2007
Tonight's special: Unforgotten Chicken
I got home late this evening. Janet and Emmett were eating this noodle stuff in the living room, engrossed in a TV show. I got some from the pan on the stove; good stuff. When I was putting my dish back, I noticed that the oven was on. I looked inside, and there was some chicken baking.
The oven timer wasn't on, so my instant assessment was that Janet had forgotten about the chicken, and it was most likely overcooked. I turned off the oven and asked Janet about it.
"Oh, Ethan wanted that. I don't think it's done yet."
I took a closer look at the chicken, and indeed it wasn't cooked yet. Okay, fine, so I had misread the situation.
About twenty minutes later, I realized that I hadn't turned the oven back on.
Sorry, Ethan!
And, I might add: Keith, Ya Goof!
The oven timer wasn't on, so my instant assessment was that Janet had forgotten about the chicken, and it was most likely overcooked. I turned off the oven and asked Janet about it.
"Oh, Ethan wanted that. I don't think it's done yet."
I took a closer look at the chicken, and indeed it wasn't cooked yet. Okay, fine, so I had misread the situation.
About twenty minutes later, I realized that I hadn't turned the oven back on.
Sorry, Ethan!
And, I might add: Keith, Ya Goof!
Jan 11, 2007
The grill of it all
Mmm. Tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. That's what I was in the mood to make for dinner last night. Three orders coming up (Janet was working late at the library and would have to fend for herself).I had only gotten as far as getting out the cheese and bread and heating up the pan and applying some cooking spray when Emmett called to get picked up from the church. Ethan was in the kitchen.
"Keep going," I said, gesturing to the stove.
"But, but ..." This translates as: "I don't know how to make grilled cheese sandwiches." We're talking a fourteen-year-old honor student here, so I just kept moving toward the door.
"Put on the bread and keep going," I said. "It's not rocket science."
When Emmett and I got back about seven minutes later, two pieces of bread were indeed on the grill. Side by side. No cheese on top of either piece of bread. Thankfully, the stove burner had been on low, so the bread wasn't burned. Ethan was still in the kitchen, reading the sports pages.
I made a sound that I don't know how to spell. Sort of a release of breath from inside the throat. This translates as: "Why in tarnation aren't these sandwiches farther along?"
In response, Ethan said: "You just said to put on the bread."
"'And keep going,'" I said, quoting myself from earlier.
Ethan threw up his hands. "Well." This translates as: "I told you I didn't know how to make grilled cheese sandwiches."
Then ensued a conversation about being able to deduce how to make a grilled cheese sandwich simply from having eaten them with regularity. But I don't have the strength to transcribe it.
Ethan, Ya Goof!
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