1002 ways to goof up

499. Blow out a well-melted candle so that hot wax splashes onto your face.
498. Go for "one more run" on the ski slope.
497. Gather up papers at work that belong at home and put them in your briefcase--then carry them back to work the next day because you forgot to take them out at home.

Cutting it a little close

I don't mean to make light of the following, which involves safety in school. I just want to make note of an ironic sequence of events.

Ethan and Emmett reported that Junior High students were subjected to a routine search on Thursday this week. It was random; about every fourth student was searched. A pair of safety scissors were confiscated; the owner said she was using them for origami (this story came third-hand).

That evening, Emmett stopped in at the Library on the way home to do homework (and see Janet there), and Janet gave him some office scissors to open a bag of ice-melt before spreading it on the sidewalk. (By the way, Emmett had to print something out while at the Library, and Janet held his print-out hostage until he completed the chore.)

Emmett absentmindedly put the scissors in his coat pocket, and they stayed there through his school day on (day). He discovered them that evening when crossing the Wal-Mart parking lot.

So just one day earlier, and Emmett came close to having to do some serious 'splaining.

Emmett, Ya Goof!

Don't throw out the fry with the fish water!

What's with this post's title, you ask? Well, a baby fish is called a fry, we've found ourselves with a fish, and I'm about to explain the throw out part.

He was a wedding favor. Really. We walk into the reception, there's a fish bowl on the table, and the other people at the table say "You get to take the fish home, and we don't want him." So we walk out with a fish and some starter fish food.

I figured he'd be dead by morning. Not due to malevolence, that's just what's happened with other fish that have had the misfortune to enter our home.

I started in immediately with jokes related to fish death. Example: On the way home, Emmett named the fish "Jo Momma" (in honor of Jo, the bride, our neighbor), and I suggested adding on references to fish preparation and untimely demise, namely (pun intended) the full name of "Jo Momma Sauté Doomed." Has a nice ring to it.

But lo! Jo! That was a month ago, and he (maybe she) is still alive! I'm told the little bugger is a Betta fish, which are hardy enough to survive temperatures that dip below 60 degrees overnight because that's the temperature we like it in the winter and we really don't care if Jo likes it or not.

Emmett feeds Jo; I change his water every morning. I got a little net-on-a-handle at Wal-Mart to make Jo easier to catch at changing time, but he's getting more elusive. Some mornings I give up on poking around after him and simply tilt water out of the bowl and net Jo Mama as he slides out. I have to make sure the sink is empty and the plug is in the drain because twice now, Jo Mama has missed the net and fallen into the sink.

For which instances, I must say to myself: Keith, Ya Goof!

P.S. I also feel like saying that for ending up with a fish in the first place, but as you see, we just didn't see this swimming our way.

This just in

Ethan and Emmett walk to school on most days, but Ethan had to take his guitar today, so I gave them a ride.

Freezing rain, as forecast, was falling as we left the house. About halfway to the school, it occurred to me ...

"Did anyone listen to the radio for school cancellations?"

Nope.

I turned on the radio.

Steve (of the Charlie and Steve Show) was saying " ... so give us a call and report in on what the roads are like out there. Must be bad, because all of the schools are cancelling."

The guys and I looked at each other. I prepared to swing around.

Keith, Ya Goo--

But wait.

Steve continued, "--except for Altoona and Hollidaysburg."

Never was there a more rapid cycle from goof to non-goof.

Stop the cycle of cordiality now!

Every once in a while I do this:

(I come upon you, a friend, in a store.)

Me: Hey, how are you?

You: Fine, thanks, you?

Me: Great, yourself?

(Awkward pause) (Because I already asked you're doing) (And betrayed that I wasn't listening to what you said)

Keith, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

504. Mistakenly click "Enter" when you're almost done with an online sign-up form, thereby erasing all of the information that you already entered.
503. Click back and re-enter the data and then prematurely hit "Enter" again.
502. Realize at that point that you didn't have to click back, you only had to scroll down and enter the informaiton that you hadn't entered yet.
501. Take care of an errand at one store in the mall, then proceed to other errands, then realize that there was another errand at another store in the mall that you could have taken care of when you were there.
500. Get your mixes worded up.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

507. Forget extra batteries for the camera.
506. Listen to audio from your laptop with your headphones in--and then realize that you have the headphone jack in the wrong hole.
505. Sign and email with the name of the person you're emailing--instead of your own name.

Yo Goof

Speaking of Tammy W from work (see previous post), I also approached her this week after she included this phrase in an email:

Hi-ho, Silver!

Know what's wrong with that? Uh-huh, neither did she. (See the answer below the picture.)


It's "Hi-yo, Silver!" Really.

Tammy, Yo Goof!

P.S. By the way, Tammy is one of the smartest people you'll ever meet. Which makes it all the more fun to pounce on her.

If a mime has fun in the woods, will anyone hear him?

Where I work, there's a practice of identifying an email as non-work-related by starting the subject line with the word "Fun."

(By the way, this leads to ironic subject lines such as "Fun: Not so fun: Bad accident on I-99".)

Thanks to our IT Department, most people have their email set up to automatically route subject-line-containing-the-word-"Fun" emails to a special "Fun" email box.

Okay, enough background. Today, friend and co-worker Tammy W sent a Fun email to the people in our area and apparently felt she wasn't getting enough response, because she forwarded the email to the same group and added the line in the body, "In case you didn't see this in your Fun email, I'm sending it again."

I pointed out to her that the email would still go into "Fun" email because it still had the word "Fun" in the title.

Tammy, Ya Goof!

P.S. But you're a fun goof.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

512. Step on your own shoelace and untie it. Or trip!
511. Accidentally pay for a personal purchase with your company credit card.
510. In a fast-food drive-through line, pay at Window 1 but forget to pick up your food at Window 509. Hit yourself in the head with a cabinet door.
508. Hit someone else in the head with a cabinet door.

Your purse or mine?

Sarah Piper is the new main street manager in our town, meaning that she'll be running plenty of meetings with community leaders. As if it weren't hard enough to preside over such groups, now she needs to watch out that the Library Director doesn't rummage in her purse and steal her stuff.

See, what happened one morning last week was: YaGoof's own Janet Eldred, Director of the Hollidaysburg Area Public Library, arrived at a morning community meeting, took a seat next to Sarah and dropped her car keys into her purse.

Except the keys actually went into Sarah's purse, which was between them on the floor. Janet forgot that she hadn't even brought her purse in with her.

Janet needed a pen and found it in the purse. It crossed her mind that she didn't recall where she got that particular pen.

When the meeting broke up, Janet dove in again for her keys and at that point realized that this wasn't her purse. By then, her keys were in her fist, and she slunk away.

Except when she got to her car, the keys didn't fit in the lock.

So she had to turn around and trade keys with Sarah as she came out.

Janet, Ya Goof!

P.S. Sarah grew up down the block from us. We've known her since long before she even started carrying a purse or Janet's keys.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

516. Misalign a zipper's teeth.
515. Lose the end of a roll of tape. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!
514. Repeatedly shock yourself with static electricity.
513. Open the sliding door of your van while pumping gas so that it slams into the safety lock.

It's not exactly that I can't place the face

This past Saturday, the boys and I marched in the semi-famous Hollidaysburg Halloween parade with the group from the Library. One of the Library ladies was dressed as a faceless ghoul, similar to the image below (but without the sickle).

Mrs. Ghoul introduced me to her husband, Mr. Ghoul, who wore a matching costume, also faceless.

"Actually, we've met before," he said, gesturing to Ethan. "I was an assistant coach on one of Ethan's Pee Wee teams."

Pee Wee was a long time ago, so it would have been hard enough to remember this man, but on top of that, I had no face to go by (due to his costume). So I took his word for it.

After we chatted for a few minutes, Mr. Ghoul ambled over to Ethan.

Ethan looked up.

I guess you had to be there, but it was pretty comical when Mr. Ghoul said (forgetting that he had no face): "You don't remember me, do you?"

Ya Ghoul! I mean, Ya Goof!

Emmett loses his shoes to the Man

Here is Hippie (Emmett) being menaced by Tiger (Emmett's buddy Michael) before they go out to trick or treat. Notice Hippie's guitar case. That's where the treats go!

Also notice Hippie's shoes. Dad's pricey dress shoes! Hippie, Ya Goof! Wrong look! Bad Hippie! (Hippie changed footgear.)

Aftermath: The guitar case filled up nicely.

And the facial hair washed off!

Happy Halloween!

P.S. Note that I'm posting this on October 27. Halloween hasn't come yet, but in our area, Trick-or-Treat Night has. It happens by town decree on the preceding Thursday. I never realized until moving here that you could tamper with holidays!

Juice on the loose

This week, Ethan and Emmett both took part in an all-day music workshop at at Roosevelt Junior High School. All students were to dress in black and white, and the boys left the house in the morning with their clothes and shoes carefully packed away.

Well, in Ethan's case, not so carefully. He filled an empty soda bottle with orange juice and threw that in, too.

Not far into the morning, he found out that the juice found its way out of the bottle. He called me at work to let me know I'd need to bring him another set of clothes. I'd been planning to work late and drive straight to Roosevelt. Instead, I had to leave work a little early, drive home and backtrack fifteen minutes.

Here's your shirt read to go into the wash, Ethan (Ya Goof):

I know why your drawer won't balance tonight

I stopped at Dollar Tree this evening for some poster board (3 for a buck!) and owed $1.06.

It was a small pleasure to find a dime and a penny in my pocket to hand over along with the George in my wallet.

The clerk (let's call her Missy ... yeah, Little Miss MISS-y) handed me my receipt.

But no nickel.

In that situation, even a cheap ________ like I am doesn't say, "I gave you $1.11." Not that I didn't require a tick of time to check my natural reflex to do so before I went on my way.

Here's another small pleasure: Missy, Ya Goof!

Take your pills ... aboard

A friend who I'll call G. (because I don't want to identify him, okayyyy?) mentioned the other day that he recently flew to Japan. He took care to put his blood pressure medicine inside his briefcase so it would be handy during the flight.

But he forgot the briefcase.

G, Ya Goof!

Put down the scissors and nobody gets hurt

It's okay if you didn't know that the tag on a mattress or pillow is also called a law label.

But if you think that means that it's against the law to remove it from a purchase, I have to say: Ya Goof!

Proof? Here.

A signature mistake

You hardcore baseball collectors know this already. I only learned it recently:

Don't offer a player a Sharpie for an autograph on a baseball. A Sharpie signature will bleed into the baseball. The weapon of choice is a blue ballpoint pen. Not black ballpoint, because that could be mistaken for a printed-on signature. So if you bring a Sharpie to the baseball stadium, I have to say: Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

I've committed all of these at work recently:

520. Accidentally ruin the settings on your ergonomic desk chair.
519. Forget to put your lunch away in the refrigerator. Yuck! room-temperature yogurt.
518. Answer the telephone wearing a headset receiver but fail to hit the headset button--so you sound like you're speaking into the telephone from across the room.

Plus this one that I've committed before but not lately:

517. Answer the telephone only to find that it was ringing only in a television program.