1002 ways to goof up (continued)

546. Meet with person A in A's office and accidentally pick up loads of A's stuff along with your own. (Janet did this yesterday, even walking off with a nifty medallion. When she got back to her own office, there was a message from A asking [nicely] if she was a kleptomaniac.)
545. Throw away your retainer along with your trash at a fast food restaurant. (Ethan did this after a stop on the way home from a church trip.)
544. Leave a message on someone's voice mail asking them to pick up--but it's not the kind of set-up where messages can be heard on an external speaker.
543. Mis-remember your high school mascot.
542. Place your keys in the cup holder pocket of one of those canvas fold-up chairs ... but forget about them when you fold up the chair ... and then go nuts looking for your keys.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

564. Stand at a vending machine after putting in your money, staring at your item, wondering why it doesn't fall--then realized that you haven't punched in the numbers.
563. Lose a check that someone gave you.
562. Lose your car in the parking lot.
561. Forget to spring forward.
560. Enter an O instead of a 0.
559. Or vice-versa.
558. Or fall back.
557. During a rainstorm, stand where you'll be drenched by the spray of a passing car.
555. Forget you coulda had a V8.
554. Search for your keys as you're driving.
553. Attempt to drop off your kid at school and discover that it's a vacation day.
552. Set out a piece of mail on a federal holiday.
551. Accidentally discard your silverware at Panera Bread.
550. Forget an appointment.
549. Accidentally knock your dog off the bed.
548. Get thrown out of the library for talking too loud.
547. Respond to someone saying hello when they were actually speaking to someone else on a cell phone.

So how's the new job?

You're a plumber's apprentice.

It's your first day at work.

You burn down a mansion.

Emmett speaks!

That went so well that I just had to haul Emmett out of bed and try another Gabcast right away. Be advised: He might sound a little sleepy.

Gabcast! YaGoof! #2



Nice job, Emmett!

Emmett adds: Dad, Ya Goof!

Our first gabcast!

If this works, I'll explain what it is.

Heck, Keith, if it works, it won't need any explanation. Ya Goof.

Go ahead. Hit the PLAY arrow.

Gabcast! YaGoof! #1



Hear that? Perfect! Because I did manage to goof it up. I left a bunch of dead air at the end of the recording, not realizing that I was supposed to push # at the end.

Bad call on my part

There are people sweeter than me. Those who know me will smile, laugh or roll their eyes at the understatement. If my sons were drinking milk right now, the milk would fly out their noses. Let's just say it's not rare for me to be testy.

Here's a case in point:

The phone rang a few minutes ago.

Me: Hello. Eldred's.

Female voice: Is Janet there?

(Janet was on her treadmill.)

Me: Sorry, she can't come to the phone right now.

Voice: Is she asleep or something?

Me: (here's where the testiness begins) Who is this?

Voice: Lacey Steps.

Me: Well, Lacey, I just told you she can't come to the phone.

Lacey: Is this Dave?

Me: This is Keith.

Lacey: (with recognition) Oh, Keith. Are you coming to game night tomorrow?

It dawns on me that Lacey is a sweet young woman who Janet and I had met at our church. A group periodically hosts parties for mentally handicapped adults like Lacey.

Me: Yes, I'll be there.

Lacey: (cheerily) Okay, see you there.

I feel small ...

But those parties always build me up. I get much more out of them than I give.

Keith, Ya Goof.

I-yi-yi

A couple of Interstate stories ...

A co-worker, Dan, was driving down the Interstate with a pal. They were reflecting on their blessings: work, family, friends and agreed: "Life is good!"

Some miles further on, Dan said, "Haven't we been driving too long?" After consulting a map, they realized they should have exited at "Life is good!"

Dan and pal: Ya Goofs!

* * *

Driving to work on I-99 this morning, I came upon one of those convoys transporting huge concrete beams for constructing an overpass—trucks large and small, state police cruisers, bubble lights turning. I was in the passing lane when I realized that I was almost at my exit. Not a good idea to cut between any of those vehicles, so I had to slow down and back up traffic a little bit so that I could let the convoy pass by and then exit. I see now that I was driving beside a quarter-mile-long wall.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Poor guy wasn't left holding the bag

Be happy for Jason Carruthers. His wife, Kristie, owes him big-time.

Kristie works in the same area that I do. Above, you see her holding Jason's insulated lunch bag, which she borrowed yesterday when Jason was off work. This lunch bag is a vital piece of equipment for Jason, who travels all day as a cable technician and can't stop off for food.

Kristie assured Jason that she would bring the bag home. But she forgot. So out there somewhere is a ticked-off cable tech lugging who knows what—a pillow case lined with newspapers or something. Just hope that he's not servicing your account today.

Kristie, Ya Goof!

P.S. I've mistyped Kristie's name so many times in email that I finally just decided to go with it and call her "Krisite" all the time. Keith, Ya Goof!

Et tu, Ragu?

We've recently discovered baked potatoes. Well, re-discovered. A recent batch was so good that we cooked up four more yesterday, to accompany our Easter ham.

"Needs salsa," Ethan said. He fished in the fridge, pulled out a jar and doused his spud.

Focused on our own potatoes, none of us looked Ethan's way for a few moments. Until I thought I'd like some salsa myself and reached for Ethan's jar of ... spaghetti sauce?

Ethan's explanation: "The jars look exactly the same!" To his credit, he shrugged and took a bite of the gourmet dish we'll call Patata bollente con la salsa di spaghetti fredda.

Still ... Ethan, Ya Goof!

Is my lack of catechism showing?

I proved yesterday that I don't know the Catholic calendar that well. Not to mention the secular calendar.

I was on Skype with a friend. "Happy Ash Wednesday," I typed, adding jauntily: "If that's appropriate to say."

"We Catholics recognize Ash Wednesday at the beginning of Lent," he returned. "This is Holy Thursday."

Keith, Ya Goof!

Updated later: Wait, he said Maundy Thursday. Ya Double Goof!

Class is now in session

Our pal Amy Hanna posted a classic goof story on her new blog, which sports the fantastic name of "Have Dog, Will Blog." Her tale involves pets, freezing rain and spare keys; maybe you can guess where that's heading. Scroll down until you see the title "You can learn a lot from a dummy." (Hey, she said it, not us. But we do agree with the educational value.)

One of the many great lines: "My 10-year-old neighbor, John, enthusiastically did offer to break any window of my choosing."

Amy, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

569. Read the wrong book for book club.
568. When a fellow book club member asks you which book is next on the schedule, tell them the wrong title, so that that person, too, has also read the wrong book.
567. Ask a fellow book club member which book is next on the schedule rather than checking the schedule yourself.
566. Show up for a public speaking engagement and speak on the wrong topic.
565. (A school thing) Walk into the wrong classroom.

An episode of 24. Degrees, that is.

Our pal Ames joins Janet and me to watch Jack Bauer save the world during 24 season. This week, I poured Ames a glass of the newest flavor of Jazz—Caramel Cream. At the end of the show, I noticed that the glass was still full.

"You didn't like it?" I said.

"Um ... too cold," he said.

I didn't know what to say. He meant that the ice had made his drink too cold?

Janet saw my consternation and spoke up. "He means that it's too cold in here to drink a cold drink!" She said this from under her favorite wool blanket.

Oops. I've more or less made myself the furnace director in our house, and I favor a low setting. and I was wearing a sweater and using the laptop (which heats up one's one laptop). I guess I went too far ... er, too low ... on the thermostat.

Janet is used to this (hence the blanket). But not Ames. Sorry, pal!

Keith, Ya Goof!

Oh, grape!

In her sermon yesterday, our pastor mentioned how one day in late summer she ran into the grape vine in her backyard with the mower. The result? Raisins.

Reverend Marlys, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

574. Pick out a greeting card but forget the matching envelope until the clerk reminds you—and then try to find your way back to the same section of the rack.
573. Put off replacing a frayed shoelace so that it breaks when you're already late for work.
572. Get into a "No, you go first" waving duel with another driver at a four-way intersection.
571. Get caught inspecting someone else's lunch in the office refrigerator.
570. Go the vending machine with the wrong amount of change.

The family that goofs together ...

We're behind on posting but not on goofing up. Below are stories from just this week.

* * *

Ethan (though still in eighth grade) starts his day at the high school for Spanish class. Keith usually drives him there "the back way," avoiding the heavy morning bus-and-cars-dropping-off-kids traffic on Hart Street, which runs by the junior high. But Keith absentmindedly turned up Hart Street, making Ethan late arriving at the high school, where Ethan realized that he actually had to start that day at the junior high. So Keith and Ethan took the wrong way to the right place, which turned out to be the wrong place.

* * *

Janet was to pick up Keith at the tire shop on Monday evening but went to the wrong one.

* * *

Keith mistakenly took Janet's keys to work with him. The good news was that she didn't need the car that day. The bad news was that Emmett did need his backpack, which was locked in the car. Keith had to borrow a friend's car and drive back home right after arriving at work.

* * *

So our whole family needs to hear: Ya Goof!

Our home's American Idol fans say ...

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

America, Ya Goofs!

Must ... not ... think ... about ... the ... ink

Sometimes I wake up hyperventilating. When it all comes back to me.

I went in to work on a Saturday. The boys were with me.

Emmett was about three years old at the time. I looked up, and he had a marker in his hand.

From the corner of my eye, I saw—Ohmygodno, no, no—a marker mark on the wall.

I shot to my feet and raced to the mark. It ran toward the corner. And around. And all the way down the hall.

In a movie, the camera shot would shift to the outside of the building and zoom away to the sound of a yell: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

All I can say is: God bless the facilities workers who scrubbed the marks off the wall. You could almost not see it afterward.

Wait, I can say one more thing: Emmett, Ya Goof!

hEEllo from E & E in San JosEE

Hey, this is Ethan and Emmett's(notice that Ethan's name is first) but Emmett's name is first in the alphabet and is too good for parentheses anyway, first blog on Yagoof so bear with us here. It's March 3 and we're still in San Jose.

Today Mom planned to visit a community center/library on the outer limits of San Jose, and the Lettermen had to scout the best way to get there with the public transport system before they got to see Dad's old college roommate, Phil who lives in the area. The primary target was a place to eat breakfast though, so we walked around for about 3 years to find the same McDonald's that we ate breakfast @ yesterday(okay so it was actually about 30 minutes). The whole time we were searching we had to keep an eye out for these little signs w/ the word "DASH" on them which stood for "Downtown Area SHuttle." The signs represented places where this little free bus would stop on weekdays and take people around the downtown for free. The only problem was that today was Saturday in Pacific Time (as if it wasn't in Eastern Time), so the shuttle never came. Because of that, we missed our first scouting bus. After that we just walked to the bus station, which was actually a train station (see how confusing this is?) to catch the bus which turned out to be going the wrong way. The way the bus worked was that it went back and forth on its route all day with the Station as one of the stops right in the middle. When it passed the Station while we were there it was going back while we wanted it to go forth. So we ended up at the complete opposite end of the line. So we rode the bus the whole way back to the community center/library end of the line(we had to pay for two bus trips each, by the way since we reached the end of the line the first time.).

After all this, we realized that the next bus wouldn't show up at the library end for another hour. This meant that after the bus ride to the train station, and the train ride to where Phil lives, we wouldn't get to see him for another three hours even though he lived 15 minutes from where we were. So we just called Phil, and he came to pick us up. This meant that we had to call Mom and explain to her the public transport system for her to get to the library. As it turned out we simply picked Mom up from the bus stop ourselves using Phil's GPS navigator, KAREN. On the way we tried to drive down a track for the local train (more like an above-ground subway) and we tried to go the wrong way down a one-way street. Basically today was a blast.

More of San Jose the YaGoof way

I'm at another guest computer in another hotel lobby. We transferred to the Sainte Claire, a very nice Victorian place. The Comfort Suites was nice, but we already had this reservation, too. It's closer to Janet's conference.

Guest computers appear to be common in San Jose, no doubt influenced by the fact that there are so many tech companies here. On a walk last night, we passed an HP building--maybe the headquarters--and an Adobe building--which just HAD to be the headquarters, because they'd gone to the trouble of installing this system of four huge red bisected circles that swiveled around until sometimes the bisections lined up. Just to draw the eye, I guess. I'll google off for a bit and see if I can steal a picture of that ...

Well, maybe later. I can't seem to open two windows at once on this computer.

Anyway, here are the latest goofs:

RISING
I woke up in the Comfort Suites at 4 am (hey, it was 7 am in real (ET) time). Janet growled at me when I tried to quietly rustle around for clothes. So last night I got my clothes organized to prevent having to rustle for them.

OVERHEATING
I woke up at 4 am, but this time, it wasn't jet-lag, it was because the room was too warm. We'd forgotten to turn down the heat.

TOURING
We went to San Francisco yesterday on the subway system that called CalTrain. Along the way, I was looking at some brochures that I'd gotten from the hotel and wished that I had more info. I asked Janet if she'd brought along that California tour book that she'd had at home. She reminded me that I'd advised against it. I'm big on not overpacking.

Looking at the brochures that I did have, I read about getting a Muni passport in San Francisco that lets you ride on basically all public transport. We bought four and then stood outside the station for a while confounded by the map. After about twenty minutes, passing up some buses and doing some street crossing and re-crossing, we finally managed to find the right subway for where we wanted to go.

After doing some exits and transfers, the map started to make sense, and it turned out to be a great purchase. The trains themselves are a great way to travel, and we had our own private bus ride (no other riders) up and down the famous streets of San Francisco. But best of all was riding on the outside of the Powell and Hyde cable car. Emmett ended up right at the prow. Ethan was behind him for a block or two, but at a stop I switched places with Ethan because I saw some big uphill slopes coming, and I wanted to make sure that Emmett (Mr.-I-don't-like-roller-coasters-even-the-slow-ones) was okay. And he was.

RETURNING
After a long, great day, we decided to walk to the hotel from the train station. We had to guess where the right direction was, because we didn't have any maps. That was a potential goof, and we did do just a bit of backtracking, but San Jose doesn't have that big a downtown, so it turned out to be a good move and a very nice walk.

At the end of the day, Janet proclaimed the day free of mishaps. Virtually true!

The way to San Jose

The family is on the road again. I'm typing this in the lobby of a Comfort Suites in San Jose, California. Janet got a grant to go to a Library Conference, and the rest of us paid our way to accompany her.

We didn't bring our laptop; I'm typing this on a guest computer. So it may be the only post of the whole trip, unless we run into more guest computers.

I probably won't be posting any pictures, even after we get back, because (keep track of the goofs, now), I forgot the camera at home.

I also forgot my cell phone in the car, back at the Baltimore Airport. But Janet has hers and Ethan has his, so we'll be okay.

Continental Airlines earns recognitions for leaving us waiting before takeoff about thirty minutes. That's ironic, since this was the first flight for Ethan and Emmett, and I've NEVER had a flight delay that long. On the other hand, that gave time for their nerves to settle. After just sitting for a long time, it's no longer "Whoa, we're gonna fly; I don't know if I'll survive," it's "Let's just get going already."

Contintental Airlines again: I couldn't pin down (pun intended) whether the airline gives out First Flyer pins. I asked for them for the boys. The flight attendant on the first flight (nicely) said he didn't have time. The employee inside the terminal said, "Sure! If I can find them!" But she couldn't. She sent me to a Customer Service desk, where they said they didn't have any such pins. Same story at another desk. What the heck, I'll keep asking, and if I strike out, I'll write to Continental and see what they say.

The flights went well. Plural, because we had a couple-hour layover in Newark. The six-hour flight to San Jose was nice. Roomy plane, many empty seats so we could spread out, clean. We watched "Casino Royale" and "Happy Feet." The latter had its moments, but the story is kind of jumbled, and I can't see how it won the Oscar rather than "Cars."

The goof of the day goes to Rainbox Taxi in San Jose, who kept us waiting at the airport about half an hour for a four-minute cab ride. The Comfort Suites has a nice service where they pay for a cab ride from the airport, and the dispatcher was very pleasant (sounded JUST like Michael Clarke Duncan--is that the right name? from "Green Mile"?)--but he sent out a new driver who simply could not find the cab stand. There were a lot of cell calls (to Janet's phone) involved here.

Nice room. Good sleep. Here we go.

Vanishing act

The scene: Afternoon at Longer Elementary School.
The situation: Emmett had to go to the bathroom.
The action: He asked permission.
The result: Ms. Brill granted it.
What happened next: In the bathroom, Emmett remembered that he was due at cello lesson.
So: He went (bathroomically speaking).
Then: He went (straight to cello lesson).
After which: Emmett was called to the office.
Who was there: Ms. Brill.
Emmett explained: Where he went!

The moral of the story: Emmett, Ya Goof!

Generosity. With holes?

Some Dunkin Donuts appeared at work on Wednesday. At the end of the day, there were still three in the box. At the end of my day, the box was in my van.

But I forgot to bring it in, and I didn't discover that until Thursday afternoon. But hey, temperatures are freezing these days. So they were preserved, right.

In the evening, I was on my way to pick up Emmett from a rehearsal at the Junior High play (of the Elementary play—confusing, I know) and passed the YMCA. Something possessed me—kindness? whimsy? need of a blogging topic?—to stop and offer the doughnuts to my friend who works the front desk, Sam(antha).

"Want some free doughnuts, Sammy?"

"From where?"

"From work," I said. "I got them today." By today, of course, I meant yesterday. But I made up for that with a forthcoming comment. "They're not exactly super-fresh, but hey."

"Well, uh, thanks."

I have to imagine that the doughnuts made their way between the jaws of the teenage boys hanging around in the lobby. They had made their interest known when they spotted my orange-and-maroon offering with exclamations of "Oooooooh."

But say that Sam did munch one. And it was stale.

Do I net out positive because of the surprise? Or net negative because I had (sort of) presented her with pastries on the slippery slope to being trash?

How do I get myself into these situations, anyway?

Keith, Ya Goof!

The doctor won't see you now

Janet and the boys likes to sleep in when they can. Yesterday, Presidents' Day, was a perfect opportunity for that—no school and the Library was closed—EXCEPT the boys had doctors' appointments at 8:30. So they all got up by 7:30 and were out the door by 8:00.

My phone rang at 9:45. It was Ethan.

"How did the doctor appointments go?" I said.

"They're not until next Monday."

Ooooooh, bummer. Thankfully, it wasn't me who put the appointment in the calendar.

Janet, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

580. Drive too fast on snow and slide as you brake.
579. Take one pair of shoes off because you've got to put on boots, but then absent-mindedly put the shoes back on.
578. Pick a fight with your spouse on Valentine's Day.
577. Absent-mindedly wear your best piece of red clothing on February 13.
576. Start a diet on Super Bowl Sunday.
575. Buy the wrong size ink cartridge.

Say it ain't soap.

Am I such a bad guy if one of the kids who sometimes comes over to our house on Sunday afternoon gets under my skin?

Well, sort of. He invites Emmett over a lot, which makes for quiet Sunday afternoons.

But you parents out there know how it is with some kids. They just make you—grrrrrrr. But when your kid is at his house a lot, ya gotta have him over some of the time. Keep a kind of balance.

Yesterday struck me as a good day to have this kid over, because we were all planning to go to a dog show in the next town over. That would eat up some time.

But not enough. We left the show about 2:00. The time to hand the kid back over—the golden horizon in my mind—was 2:30.

We used another 20 minutes on a visit to an elderly member of our church who lives around the corner from this kid.

10 minutes to freedom.

But we couldn't just—you know, wait in the kid's driveway. That finish wouldn't be nearly elegant enough. So I set a plan in motion.

"Let's zip over to the Super Sheetz," I said. "I have a car wash coming."

I was talking about the showcase Sheetz store on 17th Street in Altoona, complete with restaurant seating, coffee bar and car wash. I explained that the day before, I had paid for a car wash through the gas pump and received a receipt with a code. I hadn't used the code right then because there turned out to be a long line at the wash.

When we got to the wash, there was a line again. But I had to have the wash sometime. I got into the line. I instantly regretted it when I multiplied the number of cars by the time of an average car wash. But by then, there was another car behind us.

One hour later, we rolled out nice and clean. After spending more quality time with the kid. We turned him over at 3:45. And it was ... All. My. Fault.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Take my wife ... aside while I take this question.

Let me have the attention of all the veteran and skilled husbands out there. What would you say in a situation like this?

Our church fellowship hall was used for a Valentine's Day party last night. The guests were special-needs adults, friends of a member of our congregation, a beautiful young lady with Down Syndrome. I had a wonderful time with them through dinner and a craft project. I took a minute to call Janet, who was working late, to come join us. She did, arriving for the end of the craft-making, and then we all sat down for bingo.

Cheryl, one of the party guests, apparently thought that Janet was a handicapped guest who had come late, but she also heard someone say that she was my wife. Janet was at my side when Cheryl tugged on my sleeve and asked, "What's the matter with your wife?"

I came up with one of the following answers. See whether you like any. Or maybe they'll all simply make you say: "Keith, Ya Goof!"

What's the matter with your wife?

a. Oh, where do I start?
b. Lots of things. Same as me. We're a perfect match.
c. We don't know. We haven't gotten the test results back yet.
d. Absolutely nothing. It's really irritating.

Cel-loooo-oooo. Where are you?

Ethan had a cello lesson tonight at the high school. When I dropped him off, he said that he'd be done at 7:20.

It's one of those nights when I'm tired (insert whiny voice here) and the last thing I wanted to do was drive down to the high school. Twice. But such is parenting.

I was at the high school right at 7:20. I even made sure of it by rolling the minutes on the dashboard clock back from 21 to 20. (It was a minute fast, anyway. Really.)

Then I sat. And sat. Until 7:35.

When Ethan came out, he said that the instructor had simply gone over. Okay, fine. So I pulled out.

A little way down the road, Ethan said, "Wait. I forgot my watch inside."

So there went another three or four minutes. Okay, so we're only talking about a little bit of time. But I'm tired.

Ethan, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

598. Get picked off base.
597. Order a rocket from Acme Products when you're all too familiar with their history of malfunctions.
596. Pee on an electric fence.
595. Use your mom's best scarf to dress up a snowman.
594. Use your dad's best tie to dress up a snowman.
593. Apply the frosting before toasting your struedel.
592. Say "I can't believe it's not butter" every time you taste (guess what).
591. Shovel snow into a spot that someone has just cleared of snow.
590. Paddle on the same side of a canoe as a fellow canoer, so you end up going in circles.
589. Exit your workplace on a wintry day, only to find that you left your gloves inside your snow-covered car.
588. Rather than take a minute to scrape your windshield, drive hunched over peering through the tiny stretch of glass.
587. Use the last of the bulk bottled water in the office, but leave the big container for someone else to change.
586. Buy fund-raising sandwiches at work, then forget them in the office fridge until it's far too late.
585. When you've got to change your shoes, try to pull your pants off OVER the shoes. It never works! You're living a lie!
584. Scrape one side of the mouth of your garage.
583. Leave a video in the hot sun to melt.
582. Accidentally block the store aisle with your shopping cart.
581. Forget that you were going to wait for a store clerk checking to see if that shirt is still in stock in that color.

Double or nothing (times two)

Ethan and Emmett have these nifty new ... let's call 'em wheeled floor chairs ... made for video gamers and dorm living ... that came from Target. They're just the right height for our old dog Muffy, who wears diapers and is finding it harder and harder to jump up on (regular) living room furniture for his morning (and noon) (and evening) snoozes.



When Ethan was taking these pictures, Muffy made himself comfortable stretching across both chairs but chose the floor over a single chair. Gotta love Ethan's comment: "For Muffy, it's double or nothing."

But when I came into the living room to see for myself, I found another little goof snoozing on the chairs.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

606. Leave the heat up before going to sleep, so you wake up in the middle of the night too warm.
605. Appear on American Idol when you really, really, really should not.
604. Leave a book outside overnight.
603. Accidentally tear a page in a borrowed book.
602. Put a Netflix return in the envelope upside down, so the barcode doesn't appear in the envelope slot like it should.
601. Leave the oven on.
600. Char a bagel half that turned out to be too thick for your toaster.
599. Enflame a marshmallow.

Sofa, so good. Sorta.

As I type this, the family is watching TV. Smallville. (As posted elsewhere.)

Ethan is sitting in a low, wheeled fold-up chair from his room. Same for Emmett. Janet is sitting on the rocking chair that's usually on the back porch. I'm sitting in a chair that's usually out in the front hall. All of the usual seating is gone. Today it went out the double-hung window onto the front porch. Tomorrow, I'm having some new glass put in the one sash.

Don't worry, it was all by plan. Well, except for the broken glass.

We're having new living room furniture delivered on Saturday. Our old couch and love seat went to the Youth Group at the Methodist Church down the street. Ethan's a regular there.

The old furniture was too big to get out the front door. It originally came in through the front window. That's how we got it back out. But in the process, I cracked the glass in one sash. I tapped the frame a little too hard with the hammer. So tomorrow, I make a visit to the fine people at Ameraglass.

Keith, Ya Goof.

All that (is) Jazz!

Crucial fact number one: I like Jazz, and Janet doesn't.

Jazz the new variety of Diet Pepsi, that is.

Crucial fact number two: Jazz is pretty much the same color as regular Diet Pepsi.

I brought home a two-liter bottle of Jazz the other night. By this morning, it was more than half gone, so I poured the remnant into a nearly-empty bottle of Diet Pepsi that Janet had left lurking in the fridge. I meant to take my new bottle of Jazz to work, but I forgot it.

Imagine Janet's surprise when she got a mouthful of Jazz.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Tag, you're it. Today's post, I mean.

Nyah, nyah, nyah—I bet you never got the chance to photograph a retail ink tag in your home.

(Unless you're a shoplifter.)

I bought this shirt today and later discovered that the tag was still on it. I'll bring it back tomorrow.

Hey, I got a post out of it, so naturally I won't say to the clerk: Ya Goof!

Unlucky 107

A friend, Matt, told this story at work the other day. He'd just come back from a business trip that included a night in a hotel. He woke up from a dead sleep to find that someone was at the door trying to get into his room. The clock read 1:07 a.m.

Groggy, Matt dialed the front desk. An equally groggy voice answered.

"Hullo?"

"This is Room 180. Someone's trying to get into my room. I think they just have the wrong number, but could you check it out?"

"Me?"

"Isn't this the front desk?"

"This is Room 107."

Matt had called the numbers he'd read off the clock.

Matt, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

614. Forget to empty your pockets when putting your clothes in the laundry hamper.
613. Forget to check the pockets when putting clothes in the wash.
612. Leave your turning signal on long past your turn.
611. Leave an important doc
610. Put the end of your seatbelt into the wrong slot.
609. In a furniture store, lean too far back in a floor model chair and knock over some accesssories.
608. Criticize someone before you've walked a mile in their moccasins.
607. Type in the wrong URL.

Take a bite out of charity

Ironically, the apparently-huge hunks of goodness above are called Little Brownies.

They're examples of the newest model of Girl Scout Cookie. And they're sugar-free! I ordered some through a friend, Dan.

Then I got to thinking: beginner Girl Scouts are called Brownies. They sell the cookies, too. So Brownies will be selling Brownies. For other people to eat.

Isn't that just a bit disturbing? Cannibalisitic? Or at least cookie-balistic?

Or am I over-thinking this and do I just need to someone to say: Keith, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

619. Shoot milk out your nose.
618. Make someone shoot milk out of their nose.
617. Fail to close your glove compartment completely, so that if keeps flopping open.
616. Driving off with your coffee cup on top of your car.
615. Swim head on into someone else.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

709. Drive too close to the curb and scrape your hubcap.
708. Forget to swing up the little flag up on the mailbox.
707. Forget to swing down the little flag on the mailbox.
706. Break the key off the Spam can.
705. Use a little metal manual can opener to try to ... wait for it ... open a can. By punching little intersecting triangular holes around the rim, but then reach a point where there's not enough metal for the can opener's point to grab onto, so that you're reduced to turning the can over into a bowl to catch the stuff that comes out while you try again on the other end.
704. Forget to wind your watch.
703. Over-wind your watch.
702. Break your pencil lead.
701. Miss a rung while descending a ladder.
700. While hiking, let a branch swing back and slap the person following you.
699. Stub your toe.
698. Store a ketchup bottle with a flip-top on the bottom right-side up, which means that the bottle is actually upside-down.
697. Try to serve yourself applesauce by turning the jar upside down rather than spoon it out and end up with most of the contents on your plate.
696. Rub a cat the wrong way.
695. Put the toilet paper on the roll so that the paper comes off the back.
694. You mean so that the paper comes off the FRONT.
693. Back!
692. Front!
691. BACK!
690. FRONT!
689. Enter an argument that you can't win.
688. Take off your swimsuit so that the drawstring knots and you can't get it off without skwunching over and trying to loosen the knot with your teeth.
687. Bite your fingernail to the quick.
686. Let your inspection sticker expire.
685. Open a cereal box from the wrong end.
684. Leave your signal light on way past your turn.
683. Misplace the tickets.
682. Misplace the wedding ring.
681. While driving on a car trip, and while your wife with a hangup about napkins is napping, stop at a drive-through for sandwiches, including one for her, and get back on the Interstate just as she is waking up and asking if you remembered to ask for napkins.
680. Fail to tighten your necktie that last little bit.
679. Walk away from the plate when there are only two strikes.
678. Referee: Blow your whistle accidentally.
677. Forget someone's name.
676. Grab the wrong shopping cart.
675. Flip your canoe.
674. Tip over the garbage can.
673. Change your pants while driving.
672. Forget to pick up the milk.
671. Run out of gas.
670. Bend the top of a banana as you start to peel it.
669. Leave the toilet seat up.
668. Leave the refrigerator door open.
667. Light a match and tilt it down instead of up.
666. Cut in line in front of the Anti-Christ.
665. Flip a half-cooked pancake so that only half is on the pan.
664. Or flip it onto another pancake.
663. Fail to match the password that you just entered while registering online.
662. Enter your password in the wrong field so that the person next to you sees what it is.
661. Let a domain name expire when you actually wanted to keep it.
660. Drop a stitch.
659. Carry (in volleyball).
658. Travel (in basketball).
657. Forget your towel when you go to the gym.
656. Go the wrong way through a turnstile.
655. Pass up Krispy Kreme while the red light is on, to squeeze in a quick trip to Wal-Mart, and then come out just in time to see the red light go out.
654. Leave your bank card behind at the ATM.
655. Leave your cash behind at the ATM.
654. Dial at "9" to get out, like you do at work, while you're at home.
653. Load the printer with special paper but forget to tell other people who are using the same printer.
652. Forget to set your odometer when following step-by-step driving directions.
651. Enter the wrong viewing room at a funeral parlor.
650. Miss your turn to go when four cars are stopped at a 4-way intersection.
649. Sell No-Bakes at a charity bake sale. I mean, would you sell a No-Wash at a charity Car Wash?
648. Take non-drowsy cough medicine when you meant to take the so-you-can-sleep kind.
647. Mix up the spent with the fresh when installing new batteries.
646. Make two appointments for the same time.
645. Overbake cookies.
644. Lose your Walkman while it's holding one of the tapes from a 24-tape audio book you borrowed from the Library.
643. Realize as you're drifting off to sleep that you left the radio on downstairs and can still hear it.
642. Serve to the net (tennis).
641. Blindly follow the crowd.
640. Accidentally drive off without paying for gas.
639. Accidentally leave the supermarket self-checkout without paying.
638. Run with scissors.
637. Make a mountain out of a molehill.
636. Throw out the baby with the bath water.
635. Cut off your nose to spite your face.
634. Fail to watch for falling rocks.
632. Offer to go second in tic-tac-toe.
631. Unless it's against a child.
630. Bark up the wrong tree.
629. Cross a steam vent wearing a flouncy dress.
628. Look a gift horse in the mouth.
627. Eat from the Tree of Forbidden Fruit.
626. Fall asleep in someone's bead after breaking, entering and eating their porridge.
625. Taunt others about how fast you are when you're made of gingerbread.
624. Cry wolf.
623. Prolong a cookie-dunking until the cookie just dissolves.
622. Over-swing your arms while power-walking.
621. Fail to tie your laces tight enough.
620. Knock over a $750,000 vase while touring Frank Lloyd Wright's Taleisin.

Tonight's special: Unforgotten Chicken

I got home late this evening. Janet and Emmett were eating this noodle stuff in the living room, engrossed in a TV show. I got some from the pan on the stove; good stuff. When I was putting my dish back, I noticed that the oven was on. I looked inside, and there was some chicken baking.

The oven timer wasn't on, so my instant assessment was that Janet had forgotten about the chicken, and it was most likely overcooked. I turned off the oven and asked Janet about it.

"Oh, Ethan wanted that. I don't think it's done yet."

I took a closer look at the chicken, and indeed it wasn't cooked yet. Okay, fine, so I had misread the situation.

About twenty minutes later, I realized that I hadn't turned the oven back on.

Sorry, Ethan!

And, I might add: Keith, Ya Goof!

The grill of it all

Mmm. Tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. That's what I was in the mood to make for dinner last night. Three orders coming up (Janet was working late at the library and would have to fend for herself).

I had only gotten as far as getting out the cheese and bread and heating up the pan and applying some cooking spray when Emmett called to get picked up from the church. Ethan was in the kitchen.

"Keep going," I said, gesturing to the stove.

"But, but ..." This translates as: "I don't know how to make grilled cheese sandwiches." We're talking a fourteen-year-old honor student here, so I just kept moving toward the door.

"Put on the bread and keep going," I said. "It's not rocket science."

When Emmett and I got back about seven minutes later, two pieces of bread were indeed on the grill. Side by side. No cheese on top of either piece of bread. Thankfully, the stove burner had been on low, so the bread wasn't burned. Ethan was still in the kitchen, reading the sports pages.

I made a sound that I don't know how to spell. Sort of a release of breath from inside the throat. This translates as: "Why in tarnation aren't these sandwiches farther along?"

In response, Ethan said: "You just said to put on the bread."

"'And keep going,'" I said, quoting myself from earlier.

Ethan threw up his hands. "Well." This translates as: "I told you I didn't know how to make grilled cheese sandwiches."

Then ensued a conversation about being able to deduce how to make a grilled cheese sandwich simply from having eaten them with regularity. But I don't have the strength to transcribe it.

Ethan, Ya Goof!

By George!

Once in a while, I manage NOT to goof.

Today, I was about to head off to the vending machine with a dollar bill from my wallet, which I keep in a top-secret location all day rather than carry it with me.

Then I remembered a lesson I've learned the hard way. I turned around and took along ALL the singles from my wallet. Vending machines like some dollar bills better than others. So I potentially save myself a wasted trip.

I'm so proud that I don't have to say to myself: Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

718. Digitally record a TV program so you can save time by skipping commercials, but then fool around enough that it actually takes LONGER to watch the program.
715. Lose your bookmark.
714. Forget to take off the foil seal before squeezing out the mustard.
713. Suffer a paper cut.
712. Walk into a glass door.
711. Double-dip a chip.
710. Double-dribble.

Somebody save me! Fill in this blank!

Is it possible to listen to a song over 90 times and not know the words?

No, wait, is it possible that four people wouldn't know the words to a song that they've listened to over 90 times?

Answer: Yes.

Our family realized this was the case tonight when we sat down to watch a recording of Smallville. As all of you Smallville fans know, it's got a fabulous theme song.

Ah, but do you know the words?

Emmett raised this question when he said, "Does that say 'Let your organs break right through?'"

"'Let your organs break right through'?!?" Ethan responded very ... er ... ethanistically. Which is to say, like a big brother making a little brother feel very much like a little brother.

"Well, what does it say, then?"

None of us knew for sure.

It turns out that the great and powerful Internet doesn't know, either! '

Different sites give different versions of the lines that we can't understand. Mainly these two:

Let your waters break right through ...
Let your warm hands break right through ...

"Warm hands?" Emmett said.

"Yeah," I said, "'cause on the show, Clark is always breaking through walls and stuff."

"But why 'warm'?"

Good question. The kind of question that we just never thought to ask through 90 other episodes.

Emmett: Good job raising the issue. In recognition, this is addressed only to the rest of us: Ya Goof!

Ever find yourself pretending you're not yourself?

Mike, Mike and Danica

I'm a big fan of "Mike & Mike," the morning show on ESPN radio. Ethan and I often catch a bit of it as I'm driving him to school. This morning, Mike Greenberg (not to be confused with co-host Mike Golic) shared this story about a recent vacation (the text below is lifted from the site Mike-Greenberg.com):

I want to tell one quick story about my vacation. When Golic gets back tomorrow, we’ll tell some more stories about our vacations, but here’s something that only I could do. I was on the island of St. John in the Caribbean on my vacation - beautiful, by the way, I could not recommend it more - and my family, we went to the beach away from our hotel. We were staying in one hotel, a resort, that had its own beach, but there’s a beach there called Trunk Bay, which has been voted one of the ten most beautiful beaches in the world. So we packed up the family into the car and we drove over there. We’re at the beach, which is as far away on the island as you can be from your hotel, but it’s a very small island, so it’s not that far. So while I’m there, I’m playing with my kids, and a guy comes over to me, friendly, very friendly, nice as can be, and says, did anyone ever tell you you look just like that guy from ESPN, Mike Greenberg? Now, had he said, “Are you Mike Greenberg?”, I would have just said yes, and shaken his hand, and gone on with my day, and that would have been the end of it. But somehow in that moment, I just said, no, I’ve never heard that before, and he just sort of nodded and walked away. I figured, alright, whatever, it’s a moment that is not going to be that significant to either of us. I went on about my day, and he went on about his. This is, mind you, our second day on our vacation. Later that day, we go back to our resort, where we’re spending the entire week, and the guy is sitting at the table next to me having breakfast. The guy is sitting there, so now I have to duck this guy the entire week! The entire week I have to stay away from this guy, or he’s going to think, “what a jerk this guy is! I went over to him on the beach, and he refused to acknowledge who he was.” It ruined four days of my vacation, until his family finally left. This is the kind of thing that could only happen to a doofus such as myself.

To Mike Greenberg we say "Happy New Year!"

And, of course: Ya Goof!

She's seein' red

We're watching the Fiesta Bowl as I type, and the PSU alumna in our household has this to say to whomever applied the Outback logo to the field for today's Penn State-Tennessee football game:

"Notice that the Tostitos logo is not bleeding all over the players!"

And she vigorously adds: Ya Goof!

Happy New ... Yikes!

Does our family's January 1 indicate how this year will go for us? I kinda hope not ...

Janet and I went out today looking at couches. For references, we brought along one of the arm covers to our current couch. Guess what we forgot at one of the stores. We think we know which store it was.

But that was just a minor matter compared to the goofs connected to our basement laundry area. Sigh.

The cement floor in our basement is quite rough and uneven, and it's always been hard to keep our washer and dryer level. Heck, sometimes the spin cycle sounds like a manic drummer. So I'm using this half-plastic/half-plywood stuff called DriCore—and a whole bunch of strategically-placed shims—to create a level area. After a lot of fiddling, it looks like it might work. But along the way ...

While helping me briefly, Emmett got some paint on some of his school-worthy pants. I painted the walls in that area yesterday, and it's cool and damp, and in some spots, the paint had to go on pretty thick because ... oh, just take my word for it. So I had to break out the Oxi-clean for some jeans-soaking.

And I had to make an unscheduled run to Home Depot because I hadn't bought quite enough DriCore.

When I unplugged the washer and dryer to move them, I didn't realize that I also unplugged our basement freezer. I discovered this about 24 hours later. We're talking some soft ice cream here.

And when I was wrestling the dryer into final position, I noticed that I'd put a fresh kink in the copper gas-supply line.

Matter of fact, that kink might be a puncture, I thought.

Then: Do I smell gas?

I ended up calling the gas company, being told not to turn any electrical switches on or off, and sending the family out of the house where I wouldn't have to worry about them turning any electrical switches on or off. They went to Wal-mart to buy underwear—because with the dryer down for the past few days, it seems that Ethan had run out of clean boxers. The gas company man came and showed me the gas-line shutoff that I hadn't been able to locate. He advised installing a new kind of hook-up to the dryer.

I left a phone message about that with our neighbor/electrician/plumber, Tom. Later, I left Tom another message, after discovering that I found that in putting the washer back in place, I had also pulled a drain pipe out of its joint.

Oh, yeah. 2007 will be something. When you wish me Happy New Year, feel free to add ... Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

724. Forget to skip commercials when watching a digital video recording.
723. Miss the bottom step when going downstairs.
722. Throw a piece of popcorn up in the air and fail to catch it in your mouth.
721. Tear open a bag of chips and have all the chips go flying.
720. Forget to turn on your microphone.
719. Forget to turn off your microphone.

Goof the right thing

We had a nice family afternoon: We watched Rocky Balboa (four thumbs up) and stopped at Wendy's on the way home, prompted by the fact that I happened to have a coupon for each of us for a free Frosty. We planned to get some other food, too.

"Not a whole meal," Janet said, as the boys and I went up to order. "Just a hamburger or something." Which I interpreted as "Let's each have only a hamburger or something." Hold that thought.

In the line, I directed the boys to the Value Menu. Ethan chose chicken nuggets, and Emmett a baked potato.

"I'm thinking Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger," I said.

Which made Ethan switch: "Yeah, yeah. Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger."

I placed the order. I was the only one who wanted the classic chocolate Frosty, by the way. Everyone else opted for the new vanilla Frosty.

At the table, I handed Janet a cheeseburger.

"Oh, I just wanted the Frosty," she said.

Meanwhile, I realized that I had mistakenly ordered Ethan both the chicken nuggets and the bacon cheeseburger.

For those keeping score at home, that would be two goofs out of four items ordered.

So ... Keith, Ya Goof!

But I say that Janet misled me. And I reiterate: I was the only one who didn't choose woossy vanilla for my Frosty.

So, Janet, Ethan and Emmett, you deserve to hear this, too: Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

731. Scratch (when playing pool).
730. Cross the wrong wires so that all the power goes out.
729. Vacuum up a coin.
728. Receive your order at a restaurant and discover that you don't have any way to pay.
727. Lose your receipt.
726. Mistakenly bring your lunch into the locker room when you hit the gym on the way to work.
725. Head down the wrong hallway, forgetting that just switched work areas.

Duck! Or a wild guess might hit you!

Maybe there's a reader or two out there who was greeted with this question after entering the Barnes & Noble in Altoona this past Saturday:

"Can you guess what stuffed animal we have wrapped up here?"

Referring to this animal:


The question came from Hollidaysburg Area Public Library volunteers, including our whole family. The idea was to draw attention to the in-store gift-wrapping area that we were hosting.

I suspect that MOST of you can indeed guess what animal was wrapped up. I won't tell you what it is, but here's a hint:

Rymes with "loon-a-torn."

See? You knew it, didn't you?

But get this: On three separate occasions during the day, a person guessed the animal was a duck.

I won't be mean and address these people with "Ya Goof!" but I will say that I just don't see how you guess "Duck" when the animal has four legs and a long tail, not to mention a long upward projection from the forehead.

The first time that we received this guess, poor Emmett just couldn't help laughing out loud. It simply quacked him up.

Okay, okay, for that closing line, I deserve to hear this myself: Keith, Ya Goof!

Why I had to hack into my own computer

Here we have a little padlock that Ethan put on the laptop case. Then he lost the key.

So out came the hacksaw.

Ethan, Ya Goof!

I never said I was the sharpest blade in the drawer

Above is a picture of something you don't find in the average desk drawer: an Xacto blade dispenser. Way cool. The blades are in this little pocket that's spring loaded so it rises as the blade supply shrinks. I have one at work because ... wait for it ... I often use an Xacto blade. My dispenser over a decade old, but never reloaded, because ... wait for it ... I don't use an Xacto blade that often.

Anyway, today is the first time in all of those years that I noticed a little slot in the dispenser. See it above? It stumped me for only a fraction of a second, I'm proud to say.

That's where the used blades go, so they're collected safely.

And I've just been throwing them into my waste basket all this time. Where they could cut through the garbage bag, slice somebody's finger—Lord knows what mayhem they've been causing.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Take a closer look at your office tools. Who knows what you might discover.

Day of a thousand goofs

Okay, there weren't actually a thousand goofs yesterday. It just seemed like it.

Number 1: Just before school, Emmett barfed in the kitchen. On the area rug. Which violates one of our basic household rules:

Don't barf where it will be hard to clean up.

Toilet. Perfect.
Bucket. Next best place.
Sink. Acceptable.
Linoleum. No problem.
Tabletop, hardwood floor, the lawn, wastebasket. If you must.

As opposed to:

Bedspread.
Under the clawfoot tub.
Heating vent.
Refrigerator door.
Television cabinet.
Car seat.

Not good! None of these! No, no, no!

And not the woven area rug in our kitchen. But Emmett couldn't hold out, so that's where it went.

And he had just drunk a glass of Hi-C with red dye. Which rhymes with ... sigh.

He did feel well enough to go to school, though, so he covered his output with a dish towel for later consideration.

Number 2: Ethan greeted me by explaining what was under the dish towel. This delicious opportunity to deride his brother, however, was blunted by sheepishness over his own goof.

"Dad, I have good news and bad news."

To show me the bad news, he took off his glasses and showed me that one stem now had black electrical tape holding it together.

"The good news is that we started a new unit in school where we get to solder."

I'll have to report back later about that that comes out. But Goof 2 leads us to ...

3. Ethan got the black tape for his glasses from the basement. And to get to the basement, he used the stairs. Which I had painted with oil paint the evening before. And which weren't dry yet. So there were dusty footprints in the still-tacky paint. Sigh (again).

Here's where things get interesting.

I kept my cool about the steps because the truth is that I knew that I would probably need to give them a second coat, anyway. There were some streaks in the first coat. But I kept that to myself and sternly laid down the law.

"I'll do the steps. You help Emmett clean the rug."

Now THAT is what's known as parenting.

For failing to tape off the doorway at the top of the steps, I'll mildly rebuke myself: Keith, Ya Goof!

But for their dastardly deeds, I say yet again to Ethan and Emmett: Ya Goofs!

Gotta make the diaper run

When I arrived home yesterday, Emmett greeted me by saying, "Muffy is out of diapers."

Insert heavy sigh here.

Muffy is our dog. We got him as a stray sixteen years ago; he's probably around eighteen years old. And he has bladder issues. After much trial-and-error, we found a perfect solution: the smallest size baby diaper, for 8- to 14-pounders, held in place with a Velcro-closure ankle wrap that winds around him two and a half times. He goes through about three diapers a day.

"When did you notice he was out?"

"A few hours ago," said Ethan, who had joined us in the kitchen.

"For future reference," I said, "in a case like that, call me right away so I can stop on the way home rather than have to run back out." Which I did need to do right away, because Muffy was currently imprisoned, diaperless, on the back porch, which has linoleum flooring (ahem).

To Ethan and Emmett I say: Ya Goofs!

Of course, neither Janet nor I took note that the diapers were getting low. So I also say to us: Ya Goofs!

P.S. Muffy's diapers come in a 52-pack; i.e., about an eighteen-day supply. With a dog this old, I only buy one pack at a time, which I have to admit is showing little optimism ...

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

735. Clap between movements.
734. Grab an apple from the fridge and find out later that it's a tomato.
732. Grab a plastic Tupperware dish from the fridge and find out at work that it's last night's leftover creamed corn instead of the lovely salad that you had made for lunch.

Library Trip, Take 5

Here's how popping over to the Library for about twenty minutes turned into five round trips over the course of an hour. It's only a four-minute round trip, but still.

We're a Library family: Janet is the Library director, and the rest of us are active volunteers. So it's not uncommon for any combination of us to go along with Janet after hours to the Library to take care of something. Last night, the combination was Janet and me.

Emmett and I had been working on a Library project at home, too--using iron-on graphics to create official Library T-shirts. The last step (this was Ethan's job) was to turn the completed shirts inside-out and put them in the washing machine for a quick wash before the first wearing. The instructions caution that you should take the shirts out of the wash right away for drying, to make sure no colors will run. Remember that; it'll be important.

Once the shirts were in the washer and Janet and I were ready to go to the Library, that left about twenty minutes to get back and take them out. No problem. Or so we thought.

Round Trip One: I was driving, and when we arrived, Janet realized that she'd forgotten her key chain with the Library key. So back home we went.

Round Trip Two: I had to make some copies for a Library promotion, and I realized at the copier that I had forgotten the special card stock at home. So back home I went.

Round Trip Three: Ethan called and said he was having problems printing out a homework paper. It was getting late, and he was frazzled about it. The best thing to do was go and help him out. So back home I went.

Round Trip Four: When I finally got back to the Library, I remembered that the T-shirts were sitting in the washer. By this time, the boys were in bed or close to it, and they're dangerous around laundry, anyway. So back home I went.

Round Trip Five: To finish up the orginal purpose for going to the Library. After which, back home we went.

So this is aimed at the entire family save Emmett and Muffett, our dog: Ya Goofs!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

738. Forget that this is the morning that the cleaning lady is coming and wrench your back while bolting up the stairs to your room upon hearing her key in the lock, because you were working in the basement at your computer in your underwear.
737. Leave the impression that a graphic story about wrenching your back while bolting up stairs was about you instead of about someone else.
736. Leave the impression that a graphic story about wrenching your back while bolting up stairs was about someone else instead of about you.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

786. Discover after getting to work that you still have your wife's keys in her pocket, borrowed the evening before.
785. Drop your toast on the floor.
784. Forget to dim your high-beams.
783. Or forget to turn them on.
782. Criticize the speck in another's eye when you have a log in your own (see the Gospels).
781. Forget to call someone back.
780. When going to a picnic, remember the pie but forget the serving utensil.
779. Mak a typo.
778. Shoot into the other team's goal.
777. Gamble on Friday the 13th.
776. Lose your winning lottery ticket.
775. Erase a phone message before you've heard it.
774. Fail to call ahead and find out that the office is closed on Wednesdays.
773. Put off getting your flu shot until all the serum is gone.
772. Put your underwear on backwards.
771. Get a (Raindrops keep falling) tune (on my) stuck in your (head) head.
770. Forget the coupon at home that made you go to the restaurant in the first place.
769. Jump your turn at a four-way stop sign.
768. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet.
766. Drop your contact lens in your coffee.
765. Spray when you talk.
764. Walk when it says "Don't walk."
763. Muff your number when counting off by threes.
762. Forget to pay a bill.
761. Overdress.
760. Underdress.
759. Fail to close a door completely.
758. Type in ww. instead of www.
757. Forget to give your kid lunch money.
756. Forget your lunch.
755. Leave your shoes where someone will trip over them.
754. Leave your shoes where you will trip over them.
753. Forget to take one last look in the mirror.
752. Forget your notes.
751. Leave the seat up.
750. Fail to get out of the way when changing a boy's diaper.
749. Leave chocolate where your dog can get it.
748. Grab a cat by the tail.
747. Burn toast.
746. Open a milk carton on the wrong side.
745. Buy a cat.
744. Roll a gutterball.
743. Forget to get your car inspected.
742. Go on red.
741. Stop on green.
740. Forget to feed the goldfish.
739. Forget to put out the trash.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

794. Mix up dead batteries with fresh batteries.
793. Fail to notice the dish baking in the oven before you shut it off.
792. Cut the flower along with the weed.
791. Step on the teeth of a rake so that the handle swings up and hits you.
790. Take a slice from the pie that was meant for the school bake sale.
789. Change the schedule for a business meeting but forget to tell the people who are coming.
788. Show up for a conference on the wrong weekend.
787. Overuse a phrase, if you know what I mean.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

800. Drop a roll of paper towels into the sink.
799. Drop a roll of toilet paper into the toilet.
798. Discover that you've bought everything you need to paint a wall except the paint.
797. Spill paint.
796. Go into a job interview forgetting that you temporarily loosened your tie.
795. Go to great care to prepare a document and then lose it to the wind.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

850. Change lanes without signalling.
849. Forget to dim your lights.
848. Let eggshell fall in with the eggs.
847. Lose the wedding ring.
846. Forget your ... uh ... you know, your ... oh, yeah—your point!
845. Staple your finger.
844. Open the wrong side of the milk carton.
843. Burn your marshmallow.
842. Drop the toothpicks.
841. Or the sequins.
840. Or the ball bearings.
839. Belabor your point.
837. Beat a dead horse.
836. Make an analogy that's as bad as a popsicle in the rain.
834. Cut yourself opening a can.
833. Blow out the candle along with the match.
832. Hit a rock with the mower.
831. Cut yourself shaving.
830. Put your T-shirt on backwards.
829. Wear a T-shirt with graphics that shows through your dress shirt.
828. Pull out the gaz nozzle while it's still pumping.
827. Miss a check in your checkbook.
826. Forget to sign a check.
825. Accidentally throw the check in the trash.
824. Men, go into the ladies room.
823. Ladies, go into the men's room.
822. Forget to duck where there's low clearance.
821. Walk right into a clear glass door.
820. Mis-time stepping off an escalator.
819. Hand the police officer a credit card instead of your license.
818. Get in the wrong line.
817. Find out after you've been in the wrong line for a long time.
816. Press the wrong elevator button.
815. Go past the right channel using the TV remote.
814. Park outside the lines.
813. Mess up the drink order.
812. Tip with a smaller bill than you meant to.
811. Tip with a larger bill than you meant to.
810. Forget to tip.
809. Accidentally park in a handicapped spot.
808. Forget to release the emergency brake.
807. At a stop light, turn right into a parking lot so that you can exit at a green light and immediately be on your way—but mis-time it so that you have to wait for other cars, thus getting behind yourself in traffic.
806. Get ahead of yourself.
805. Shut the door on the seatbelt.
804. Shut the door on your hand.
803. Shut the door on someone else's hand.
802. Order a 12" sub at the computer kiosk when you meant to order the 6".
801. Enter the restricted area at Cape Canaveral.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

900. Leave your marker uncapped.
899. Ask a woman when the baby is due ... and find that she's not pregnant.
898. Use a permanent marker on a dry-erase board.
897. Wipe your dirty hands on the towels that are only for display.
896. Show up at what you thought was a costume party.
895. Lean too far back in your chair.
894. Realize that your father actually didn't want you to say that one more time.
893. Show up at the test with only Number 1 pencils.
892. Use a permanent marker on a dry-erase board.
891. Pinch your finger in your ring binder.
890. Get a paper cut.
889. Stand behind a mule.
888. Sing the wrong verse in the hymn.
887. Realize after the storm begins that your windows are down.
886. Finish wrapping the gift and then lose track of which person it's for.
885. Let the impossible-to-see end of the packaging tape fall back on the roll.
884. Reach for the doorknob ... after building up static walking on carpet.
883. Learn that you overloaded a cardboard box ... by having the bottom collapse.
882. Switch to live TV ... and then learn that your son was in the process of selecting a bunch of recorded program to delete ... a function that you weren't even aware of.
881. Make fun of a joke before it's over.
880. Shave one sideburn higher than the other.
879. Crack a tooth tightening the lace on your baseball glove.
878. Tie your necktie so that the part in back is longer than the part in front.
877. Botch the place setting.
875. Leave marker ink on the table right through the paper.
874. Open a soda that's all shaken up.
873. Burn the toast.
872. And the eggs.
871. Let the cat out of the bag.
870. Not to mention spill the beans.
869. Steal the bookmark that you thought your mate wasn't using.
868. Leave the curling iron on.
867. Bat the ball through a window.
866. Open your car door into someone else's.
865. Yell BINGO when you only have BING.
864. Roll a gutter ball.
863. Spike the ball into the net.
862. Leave your lavalier microphone on while you use the restroom.
861. Miss the bottom step.
860. Leave the water running.
859. And realize it after you return from vacation.
858. Overseas.
857. Try to eat just one Lay's potato chip.
856. Forget to save.
855. Hesitate.
854. Blink.
853. Lose your cool.
852. Shut the barn door when the cows are gone.
851. Don't stop and smell the roses.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

953. Hit the panic button on your key remote instead of the unlock button.
952. Forget that you have a key remote until you reach the car.
951. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet.
950. Forget to silence your cell phone in a movie.
949. Forget that you stashed your gum on the arm of a chair.
948. Over-nuke a hot dog.
947. During do-it-yourself assembly, install a part backwards.
946. Discover that you install the part backwards when you're nearly done.
945. Bite your tongue.
944. Let a fish that you caught jump out of your boat.
943. Spill your milk.
942. And then cry about it.
941. Tilt your head the wrong way as you move in for a kiss.
940. Tilt your body the wrong way as you move in for a hug.
939. Accidentally offer your left hand for a handshake.
938. Miss a belt loop.
937. Write the date with the previous year (happens a lot in January).
936. Place something in the fridge so that if falls out the next time you open the door.
935. After grocery shopping, leave the ice cream in the car on a warm day.
934. Leave a video in a hot car and discover it after it's warped.
933. Overfill your glass.
932. Lose your grip on your helium balloon.
931. Forget to shake the ketchup and get a blast of only that watery stuff.
930. Open your hot dog bun too wide and end up with two pieces.
929. Drive on the wrong side of the road when in a foreign country.
928. Get out the wrong side of an amusement park ride.
927. Fly a kite into a tree.
926. Forget your line in a play.
925. Mount a horse facing backwards.
924. Push the wrong button(s) in a vending macine.
923. Drop your keys down a storm drain.
922. Or into the trash.
921. Tee up ... and miss the ball completely.
920. Hit a sand trap.
919. Hike through poison ivy.
918. Discover sour milk and put the jug back in the fridge.
917. Wave to someone waving your way ... and discover the wave is for someone else.
916. Let housepaint splatter.
915. Lick a frozen flagpole.
914. Leave your food in reach of a hungry dog.
913. Forget to turn on your microphone.
912. Or get too close to your microphone.
911. Hit "9" for an outside line, then "1" for long distance ... then "1" again.
910. Lose track of where your garden hose is pointed.
909. Accidentally switch your headlights to highbeam as another car approaches.
908. Accidentally leave a baseball stadium without getting your hand stamped for re-entry.
907. Leave the lens cap on.
906. Put your T-shirt on backwards.
905. Go past the right time when setting a digital clock.
904. Let go of your sled at the top of the hill.
903. Bring mom aspirin for her aching back ... and then realize that you just stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.
902. Leave the game because your team doesn't have a chance to win ... and learn later that they came from behind to win.
901. Pull too hard on the potato chip bag.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

958. Spill your drink.
957. Drop the food off your plate.
956. Photocopy the blank side of the paper.
955. Wash white clothes with colored clothes.
954. Fall out of bed.

And so it begins ...

Today, we begin the list of the Top 1002 ways to deserve to hear "Ya Goof!"

1002. Make a Top 1002 List when you meant to make it the Top 1001.
1000. Misnumber.
999. Lose your keys.
998. Lose your car in the parking lot.
997. Leave your lights on.
996. Forget to zip up.
995. Wear different color socks.
994. Misplace your glasses.
993. Forget your towel when you go to the gym.
992. Forget sunscreen.
991. Go to the wrong address.
990. Dial the wrong number.
989. Call your kid by the wrong name.
988. Grap the wrong hand.
987. Take the wrong seat in the movie theater.
986. Forget to have them hold the mayo on the sandwich for (insert name here).
985. Misbutton.
984. Oversleep.
983. Mistake salt for sugar.
982. And vice-versa.
981. Show up for an event on the wrong day.
980. Step in dog poop.
979. Go to the wrong movie theater.
978. Add 1 cup instead of 1 tablespoon.
977. And vice-versa.
976. Repeat yourself without meaning to.
975. Repeat yourself without meaning to.
974. Mispel.
973. Go all lysdexic.
972. Drink from the wrong glass.
971. Walk right into someone.
970. Scrape someone's fender.
969. Take the wrong coat.
968. Forget to set your clock back.
967. Or forward.
966. Start counting down and forget and start counting up.
965. Forget that last one.
964. Forget to record an important show.
963. Cut the Christmas tree to 65" inches instead of 6'5".
962. Overtighten a bolt and crack the toilet that you're installing.
961. Cut a board too short.
960. Forget (insert name here)'s birthday.
959. Accidentally delete your list of 1002 ways to goof up. (Previous items reconstructed.)

D'oor!

A couple Saturdays ago, I took out a window air conditioner and carried it out the front door. It's a big bulky thing, so I couldn't see where I was going, and I scratched the door on the way out. See? Sigh.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Our son, the Cokehead

Here's Emmett in this year's Halloween costume, adapted from a prop that I made back in high school. We added a little stability by stuffing a partially-inflated beachball behind his head.

Two words: Proud. Pop.

Meet Katherine the Smart

Submitted by our new friend Lisa, who wins fantastic chocolate from McIntyre's Candies! Thanks, Lisa!

My daughter Kate, at nine years of age, is the bright one in the family, while her six-year-old brother is the funny guy. Back in June, we were looking for a new home and had just finished touring one when Kate pipes up with "Mom, I bet I know the last name of the people who used to live here." Then she proceeds to spell MIRROR from the box she is looking at beside their mailbox. (We don't get our paper delivered). After I stopped laughing, I explained to her that that was where the newspaper goes.

So Kate, you still get straight A's, but Mom's got to say: Ya Goof!

Don't tell me I threw it out with the office party video

I've seen this story in a number of places, but I still don't know whether it's actually true ...

NASA lost the original tapes of the first man on the moon?!

If so, someone deserves to hear, REALLY, REALLY LOUD: Ya Goof!!

Remember me? At Meineke?

I needed an oil change, so I decided to drop my car at Meineke in the morning and get it in the evening. I asked my ol' work pal Carl to pick me up and drop me off.

Even though last time we arranged the same thing, he forgot me.

I remembered that after he did it again today.

Carl, Ya Goof!

Note: The picture above is not the local Meineke. The similarity is: Carl's not there, either.

Holy Shirtnapping, Batman!

This story has two parts.

PART 1
A few weeks ago, a shirt appeared in our basement, on the clothesline where we hang laundry after it comes out of the dryer. It was a Batman-oriented shirt, used but still nifty. I'm the Bat-fan of the family, so I thought maybe Janet and/or the kids had come across it in a second-hand shop and brought it home. It hung on the line for a while, and no one claimed it, so I thought that must be the case. I never did actually inquire about it; I just wore it one day around the house, and no one said anything contrary, so that was that. Or so I thought.

PART 2
It so happened that after church today, (a) I wore the shirt and (b) we had guests for part of the afternoon, brothers Gabe and Kendrick Imler. Gabe is in sixth grade, like Emmett, and Kendrick is age five. Janet picked up a pizza for dinner, and everyone was seated around it at the kitchen table when I came in. It was the first that Gabe or Kendrick had seen of me.

"Hey!" Kendrick said. "My brother has a shirt just like that!"

That's when it first occurred to any of us that Gabe must have left the shirt behind the last time that he slept over. He and I happen to wear about the same size.

"Hmm," said Gabe, quickly latching on. "Have you ever been to Six Flags New England?" (which is where the shirt hailed from.)

"Er ... no," I said. The jig was up.

Above you see Gabe reunited with his shirt. I guess Janet must have made an assumption similar to mine (that the shirt came from a second-hand shop) when she put the shirt in the laundry.

Keith, Ya Goof!