Goof the right thing

We had a nice family afternoon: We watched Rocky Balboa (four thumbs up) and stopped at Wendy's on the way home, prompted by the fact that I happened to have a coupon for each of us for a free Frosty. We planned to get some other food, too.

"Not a whole meal," Janet said, as the boys and I went up to order. "Just a hamburger or something." Which I interpreted as "Let's each have only a hamburger or something." Hold that thought.

In the line, I directed the boys to the Value Menu. Ethan chose chicken nuggets, and Emmett a baked potato.

"I'm thinking Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger," I said.

Which made Ethan switch: "Yeah, yeah. Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger."

I placed the order. I was the only one who wanted the classic chocolate Frosty, by the way. Everyone else opted for the new vanilla Frosty.

At the table, I handed Janet a cheeseburger.

"Oh, I just wanted the Frosty," she said.

Meanwhile, I realized that I had mistakenly ordered Ethan both the chicken nuggets and the bacon cheeseburger.

For those keeping score at home, that would be two goofs out of four items ordered.

So ... Keith, Ya Goof!

But I say that Janet misled me. And I reiterate: I was the only one who didn't choose woossy vanilla for my Frosty.

So, Janet, Ethan and Emmett, you deserve to hear this, too: Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

731. Scratch (when playing pool).
730. Cross the wrong wires so that all the power goes out.
729. Vacuum up a coin.
728. Receive your order at a restaurant and discover that you don't have any way to pay.
727. Lose your receipt.
726. Mistakenly bring your lunch into the locker room when you hit the gym on the way to work.
725. Head down the wrong hallway, forgetting that just switched work areas.

Duck! Or a wild guess might hit you!

Maybe there's a reader or two out there who was greeted with this question after entering the Barnes & Noble in Altoona this past Saturday:

"Can you guess what stuffed animal we have wrapped up here?"

Referring to this animal:


The question came from Hollidaysburg Area Public Library volunteers, including our whole family. The idea was to draw attention to the in-store gift-wrapping area that we were hosting.

I suspect that MOST of you can indeed guess what animal was wrapped up. I won't tell you what it is, but here's a hint:

Rymes with "loon-a-torn."

See? You knew it, didn't you?

But get this: On three separate occasions during the day, a person guessed the animal was a duck.

I won't be mean and address these people with "Ya Goof!" but I will say that I just don't see how you guess "Duck" when the animal has four legs and a long tail, not to mention a long upward projection from the forehead.

The first time that we received this guess, poor Emmett just couldn't help laughing out loud. It simply quacked him up.

Okay, okay, for that closing line, I deserve to hear this myself: Keith, Ya Goof!

Why I had to hack into my own computer

Here we have a little padlock that Ethan put on the laptop case. Then he lost the key.

So out came the hacksaw.

Ethan, Ya Goof!

I never said I was the sharpest blade in the drawer

Above is a picture of something you don't find in the average desk drawer: an Xacto blade dispenser. Way cool. The blades are in this little pocket that's spring loaded so it rises as the blade supply shrinks. I have one at work because ... wait for it ... I often use an Xacto blade. My dispenser over a decade old, but never reloaded, because ... wait for it ... I don't use an Xacto blade that often.

Anyway, today is the first time in all of those years that I noticed a little slot in the dispenser. See it above? It stumped me for only a fraction of a second, I'm proud to say.

That's where the used blades go, so they're collected safely.

And I've just been throwing them into my waste basket all this time. Where they could cut through the garbage bag, slice somebody's finger—Lord knows what mayhem they've been causing.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Take a closer look at your office tools. Who knows what you might discover.

Day of a thousand goofs

Okay, there weren't actually a thousand goofs yesterday. It just seemed like it.

Number 1: Just before school, Emmett barfed in the kitchen. On the area rug. Which violates one of our basic household rules:

Don't barf where it will be hard to clean up.

Toilet. Perfect.
Bucket. Next best place.
Sink. Acceptable.
Linoleum. No problem.
Tabletop, hardwood floor, the lawn, wastebasket. If you must.

As opposed to:

Bedspread.
Under the clawfoot tub.
Heating vent.
Refrigerator door.
Television cabinet.
Car seat.

Not good! None of these! No, no, no!

And not the woven area rug in our kitchen. But Emmett couldn't hold out, so that's where it went.

And he had just drunk a glass of Hi-C with red dye. Which rhymes with ... sigh.

He did feel well enough to go to school, though, so he covered his output with a dish towel for later consideration.

Number 2: Ethan greeted me by explaining what was under the dish towel. This delicious opportunity to deride his brother, however, was blunted by sheepishness over his own goof.

"Dad, I have good news and bad news."

To show me the bad news, he took off his glasses and showed me that one stem now had black electrical tape holding it together.

"The good news is that we started a new unit in school where we get to solder."

I'll have to report back later about that that comes out. But Goof 2 leads us to ...

3. Ethan got the black tape for his glasses from the basement. And to get to the basement, he used the stairs. Which I had painted with oil paint the evening before. And which weren't dry yet. So there were dusty footprints in the still-tacky paint. Sigh (again).

Here's where things get interesting.

I kept my cool about the steps because the truth is that I knew that I would probably need to give them a second coat, anyway. There were some streaks in the first coat. But I kept that to myself and sternly laid down the law.

"I'll do the steps. You help Emmett clean the rug."

Now THAT is what's known as parenting.

For failing to tape off the doorway at the top of the steps, I'll mildly rebuke myself: Keith, Ya Goof!

But for their dastardly deeds, I say yet again to Ethan and Emmett: Ya Goofs!

Gotta make the diaper run

When I arrived home yesterday, Emmett greeted me by saying, "Muffy is out of diapers."

Insert heavy sigh here.

Muffy is our dog. We got him as a stray sixteen years ago; he's probably around eighteen years old. And he has bladder issues. After much trial-and-error, we found a perfect solution: the smallest size baby diaper, for 8- to 14-pounders, held in place with a Velcro-closure ankle wrap that winds around him two and a half times. He goes through about three diapers a day.

"When did you notice he was out?"

"A few hours ago," said Ethan, who had joined us in the kitchen.

"For future reference," I said, "in a case like that, call me right away so I can stop on the way home rather than have to run back out." Which I did need to do right away, because Muffy was currently imprisoned, diaperless, on the back porch, which has linoleum flooring (ahem).

To Ethan and Emmett I say: Ya Goofs!

Of course, neither Janet nor I took note that the diapers were getting low. So I also say to us: Ya Goofs!

P.S. Muffy's diapers come in a 52-pack; i.e., about an eighteen-day supply. With a dog this old, I only buy one pack at a time, which I have to admit is showing little optimism ...

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

735. Clap between movements.
734. Grab an apple from the fridge and find out later that it's a tomato.
732. Grab a plastic Tupperware dish from the fridge and find out at work that it's last night's leftover creamed corn instead of the lovely salad that you had made for lunch.

Library Trip, Take 5

Here's how popping over to the Library for about twenty minutes turned into five round trips over the course of an hour. It's only a four-minute round trip, but still.

We're a Library family: Janet is the Library director, and the rest of us are active volunteers. So it's not uncommon for any combination of us to go along with Janet after hours to the Library to take care of something. Last night, the combination was Janet and me.

Emmett and I had been working on a Library project at home, too--using iron-on graphics to create official Library T-shirts. The last step (this was Ethan's job) was to turn the completed shirts inside-out and put them in the washing machine for a quick wash before the first wearing. The instructions caution that you should take the shirts out of the wash right away for drying, to make sure no colors will run. Remember that; it'll be important.

Once the shirts were in the washer and Janet and I were ready to go to the Library, that left about twenty minutes to get back and take them out. No problem. Or so we thought.

Round Trip One: I was driving, and when we arrived, Janet realized that she'd forgotten her key chain with the Library key. So back home we went.

Round Trip Two: I had to make some copies for a Library promotion, and I realized at the copier that I had forgotten the special card stock at home. So back home I went.

Round Trip Three: Ethan called and said he was having problems printing out a homework paper. It was getting late, and he was frazzled about it. The best thing to do was go and help him out. So back home I went.

Round Trip Four: When I finally got back to the Library, I remembered that the T-shirts were sitting in the washer. By this time, the boys were in bed or close to it, and they're dangerous around laundry, anyway. So back home I went.

Round Trip Five: To finish up the orginal purpose for going to the Library. After which, back home we went.

So this is aimed at the entire family save Emmett and Muffett, our dog: Ya Goofs!