Read this tomorrow and pretend it's still April

A few months ago, I came across a notice that Baskin-Robbins would offer 31¢ scoops in the evening on April 30 (today). Naturally, cheapskate ice cream hound that I am, I marked that in the family calendar and eagerly watched the day approach.

This morning, I mentioned this momentous opportunity to Ethan and Emmett, and a thought occurred to me.

"I wonder why they didn't schedule this for tomorrow," I said. "31 cents on the 31st."

"Very funny," Emmett said.

"Yeah, clever, no?"

"No."

"Huh?"

"Dad, there are only 30 days in April."

Beat.

"I knew that."

For my mistake: Keith, Ya Goof!

For not scheduling this promotion in a month that does have 31 days: Baskin-Robbins event scheduler, Ya—

No, I can't say that. Baskin-Robbins must schedule the event at this time of year to get into your head going into the summer ice cream eating season, rather than choosing March 31 or waiting until July 31. Can't fault 'em for that.

P.S. I don't know how long Baskin-Robbins has had its new logo, but I that embedded "31" is way cool.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

467. Park too far away from the gas pump to reach your gas tank with the nozzle.

Little did she think that her drink ...

Ethan reported that a friend's father waited until nearly the last minute on his taxes. He spent all of this past Sunday doing the work. Then on Monday morning, when the documents were sitting neatly on the kitchen table ...

... one of his kids spilled chocolate milk all over them.

So he had to copy them out all over again.

And I say (but not to the child): Ya Goof!

Liddle me this

Kids need chores.

So you give them chores.

Like: "Put away the dishes."

And this is what you get:

Big lids on small pots. Note the big glass lid on the medium pot. Precarious.

And see the white rack where lids are actually supposed to go? Note the empty spaces.

Sigh ...

Guys, Ya Goofs!

Tips for an Emergency Room Physician

(The following is taken from a document that I just wrote and sealed into an envelope to mail to one of the local hospitals, after an adventure that we had this afternoon)

Tips for an Emergency Room Physician: How to Come Across as Arrogant

An example scenario:

Patient is 15. Has severe lower abdominal pain. Is accompanied by his father.

You’ve done an initial exam. You suspect a stomach virus that’s going around. You’ve ordered a urine sample, blood tests, an X-ray. After reviewing the test results, you conclude that it is indeed a stomach virus. You communicate this to the patient and his father.

So far so good. The patient and his father are satisfied with your care. Here’s your chance to come across as arrogant.

The father asks, “Any chance of appendicitis?”

Let your mouth drop open as if this question is unfathomable. Smirk. Roll your eyes and/or put the sound of rolling your eyes into your voice. In your reply, include the words “When it’s stomach pain, everyone thinks it’s appendicitis.” This creates a picture of the father's belonging to a large population of the ignorant.

You’ll know you have succeeded in coming across as arrogant if the father comments, “Don’t jump on me.” (Because that will mean that he feels that you jumped on him.)

A suggested response to the father: “I’m not jumping on you. I’m just trying to explain.”

Suppose that the father continues, “Do you want feedback on how you’re coming across?” Assure him that you do, but let your face and tone of voice communicate that you don’t, that you’re just humoring him and falling back on those hazy memories of instruction in bedside manner.

Important notes! Actions that could interfere with your coming across as arrogant:

Take into account that emergency room visits are rare for most people, and even their routine and uninformed questions are sincere inquiries.

Take into account that a father might feel an obligation to ask a question not only for his child's sake, not only for his own peace of mind, but also for the sake of his wife, who insisted that he ask that question, particularly because as a child, she nearly died from a ruptured appendix.

Take into account that your natural inclination for answering a question may not communicate the attitude that you intend.

Take into account that there’s a sign on the wall of the examining room encouraging visitors to speak up if they have any questions or concerns. A misguided person might classify a perception of being treated rudely as a concern.

Good luck, Doctor!