Watch me overthink this drink

This soda just tickles me. I don't mean because of its bubbles. I mean because of its successive steps away from manliness.

It's not beer in a glass bottle, it's ...

1. diet
2. root beer
3. in plastic

I know, I know, I'm making too much of it. Feel free to say: Keith, Ya Goof.

I remember it well

Janet and I have been married 18 years as of yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised to hear from a most special friend who lives multiple time zones away. We speak too rarely.

Below is an email chain where I call him "Also A. Husband," so as to protect his identity. He claims that I got him in trouble.

I say: A.A, Ya Goof! *You* got you in trouble!




From: Also A. Husband
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2008 12:51 PM
To: Keith Eldred
Subject: Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to you and Janet. Let’s catch up sometime soon.
_____

From: Keith Eldred
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2008 9:57 AM
To: Also A. Husband
Subject: RE: Happy Anniversary

Thanks!

Yeah, we need to do a call. And I need to get *your* Anniversary in my calendar. I thought I had it but nope. I'm saying ... May 18?
_____

From: Also A. Husband
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2008 8:39 PM
To: Keith Eldred
Subject: RE: Happy Anniversary

Close … May 26th. You caused me big trouble because I had to confirm with the wife. Life is good but very, very busy right now. Look forward to talking.
_____

From: Keith Eldred
Sent: Tuesday, September 23, 2008 5:25 AM
To: Also A. Husband
Subject: RE: Happy Anniversary

Ah, so I'm not the only one who doesn’t have it in his calendar. : )
_____

From: Also A. Husband
Sent: Tuesday, September 23, 2008 10:46 AM
To: Keith Eldred
Subject: RE: Happy Anniversary

Worse than that … I do have it in my calendar but was too lazy to scroll through until May. Thinking I knew the date, I just casually threw out an “Our Anniversary is on … right?" And of course I wasn’t right. Gave us both a good laugh and her a chance to tease me.

Speak. Roll over. Growl.

You know what burns my biscuits? The fact that my biscuits are often burned is that I'm a juvenile hothead, so you can factor that in, but still ...

Today what burns my biscuits is that I'm to be a speaker at a conference, and the conference organizers keep sending me emails asking for this release form and that informational form that I've already submitted.

The first time it happened, I had nothing to show that I'd already sent the form, so I had to go through the process of printing out the form again, filling it out again, faxing it again. I hate faxing.

After that, I learned to create a PDF of the form and email that, which is generally accepted as readily as a fax is, and then archive the email so that when I get the next email saying "Where is your ...? ", then I can re-send the email and add a brief note along the lines of ...

Will someone there please get a clue and stop sending me
emails asking for stuff that I've already submitted?

(Insert irritated breathing here).

If you're a Conference Organizer, today I say to you: Ya Goof!

Peanut butter fingers

Speaking of sidewalks--this time my sidewalk--that's where I dropped a bag last night containing two glass jars of peanut butter. One was big, the other even bigger.

But the only damage was a little chipping at the top ridge of this one. The accident even opened the plastic sealing band for me.

You got off easy that time, Ya Goof.

Skidiot

This sidewalk is brand new. It's not mine, it's a stretch that I walk over a lot. The installer did a great job. But someone just had to show his ... appreciation.

You with the bike--you're not a goof, you're a jerk.

(Unless of course, you braked each separate time to avoid running into a kitten ... or something like that.)

Hang it all

Look, these were all that were left at the store.

No two of them were joined, but the hanging thingy still seemed like the logical place to put them.

So no fair saying ...

Keith, Ya Goof!

Here's what happened to Ethan today

In his words ...

"I went down to the football field today to play Ultimate Frisbee, and the gate was wide open, presumably from last night's game, so I rode my bike right in. After we were done, and I went to leave, the gate was closed, so I had to have some guys help me lift my bike over the fence."

Ethan, Ya Goof!

Meet Duke

A stem shame

A house around the corner from us has (had?) a giant rose in the front yard.

I'm not sure what happened here. Perhaps it's going to join other giant roses from other front yards around the country in one huge bouquet?

All I can say is, when the giant bride sends that bouquet flying backwards over her head ... watch out.

(And if this was a vandalisting uprooting, I say to the vandal: Ya Goof!)

Ewwww

So I was taking a shower at the Y this morning, and I look down, and what do I see but a brownish lump. 

Oh, not on me, friend, on the floor! But thanks for your concern.

It was a little misshapen cylinder. Sausage-shaped. Did I mention that it was brown?

Yeah, that's the thought that crossed my mind, too.

I heard a story on the radio once that it's common for people to ... well, to ... you know ... in changing rooms in department stores.

Fortunately, I've never seen this in a changing room that I was using.

Anyway ...

This lumpy little sausage-like cylinder turned out to be ... a paper towel. Wet and wadded up.

But it sure looked like something else.

What probably happened is, someone forgot his towel and used this paper towel to dry off. To dry off some part of himself, anyway. He probably had more than the one towel, but he dropped this one.

I've forgotten my towel before, too, so I won't say to him: Ya Goof!

The picture below is a recreation. I didn't have my camera with me at the time.

A good time not to be barrelling along

On the way in to work this morning, I had to slow down in a construction zone on I-99 when a traffic barrel such as pictured above got away from a worker and rolled into the traffic lane. I had plenty of time to slow down. It just so happened that I was driving about the limit of 50.  I may even have been doing 49. The barrel rolled into the lane and then right back to where the worker was standing.

It's not the lack of power or the humiliation, its the lack of power AND the humiliation

I set up a computer monitor for the Library this weekend. It took about four times as long as it should have.

When I plugged it in, and went to push the power button, it appeared that there *was* no button. Yes, the icons were there, but there was no actual button--nothing to depress.

I tried plugging the monitor into an outlet that I knew was working--because there was a lit lamp in it--and still there was nothing.

Seeing no alternative, I packed the thing up and took it to Best Buy, where Janet had bought it. The Geek Squad member on duty, took hold of it in that way that communicates (intentionally or not) I-will-bring-my-superior-knowledge-and-intelligence-to-bear-on-this-puny-matter, and (naturally), the monitor lit up right away. It immediately occurred to me that I may have incorrectly inserted the end of the power cord into the monitor.

"Okay, I see it's working," I said, "I have to get going (which was true). I just want to pack it up as quickly as possible and get out of here." I was in no mood for geekly explanations or explorations.

"Do you know what they did?" Janet said. I made a face which made her drop the question.

We had to pause at the door for the Blue Polo on Duty to check our receipt, which thankfully we had at the ready.

Back at the Library, I made sure to insert the power cord correctly, and there was still no sign of life from the monitor. I took a closer look at the power strip and flipped that little switch with the line on one end and the broken circle thingy on the other. The power strip came to life and so did the monitor.

I'm not crazy about the no-button buttons. Sure, it makes for a sleek look, but whenever you pick up the monitor (which will be frequently in this case, because the laptop to which it's attached will be routinely detached for use), you activate one of the buttons.

Keith, Ya Goof.

The good news is that it was a safe landing. The bad news is ...

And the Duke / University of North Carolina (UNC) rivalry just got a little more bizarre. As both North Carolina colleges kicked off their NCAA Football campaigns yesterday, a skydiver was supposed to land in the UNC stadium for some pregame festivities. After some miscommunication / misunderstanding, he arrived in Durham and Duke’s pregame. Ummmm…

read more | digg story

The reel way to walk a dog

Janet and I took our family's new dog, Duke Ellington Wiley, on a walk last night. It was the first time that I'd used the nifty retractable leash that I'd picked up for him. (The handle is pink, which galls me, and I can't imagine how much it embarrasses Duke, but it was the only one in the right size at the store at the time, and I didn't want to wait.)

Those nifty retractable leashes are harder to handle than I expected. I immediately let out all of the leash, and at the first corner, Duke wrapped it around the telephone pole. While finishing the unwinding, I dropped the handle, and Duke took off. He was quickly at the heels of another couple (dogless) who were out walking.

"First day with the new leash," Janet explained. The couple took it in stride. Well, actually, they had to break stride so as not to trip on Duke, but what I mean is, they were good about it.

I captured Duke after a few attempts. He and the handle were both easier to er, handle after a long walk.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Taking the long short way

The eighth grade football team had its first game yesterday, in Dubois. The last time I was there was last year's first football game, so once again, I printed out directions from Google.

I was zooming up the new section of Interstate when I realized I wasn't supposed to be on it. I was supposed to have exited. Things like that irritate me. I spoke sharply to myself and later had to apologize.

The harsh words turned out to be unnecessary, because I liked the wrong route better than the right route. It was six miles longer, Google tells me, but the roads are better. I came back that way, too, and enjoyed it. I have to hand it to myself.

Good job, Ya Goof.

The right (wrong) way

The wrong (right) way

P.S. While reviwing this post, I noticed that, fittingly, the maps shown indicate the reverse of the routes that I wanted to show. "A" should be "B" and "B" "A."

Keith, Ya Goof.

Diversion of funds

I was rooting in the refrigerator when Janet came to the table behind me and said, "I'm taking ten dollars for Emmett for dinner tomorrow. He has an away football game."

"Uh-huh."

She took the money into the other room, gave it to Emmett, then came back and made a little note of realization in her throat. "This isn't your wallet."

I turned, wondering how I'd acquired someone else's wallet. I glanced at the bag that I carry to work and saw that my wallet was still in it.

Turns out that Janet had given Emmett money from Ethan's wallet.

"I was wondering," Janet said, "why you had a picture of Ethan's girlfriend in your wallet."

Janet, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

455. Write out a note to include with other stuff in an envelope, and send the envelope on its way minus the note.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

456. Let your paint rag slop paint into the wrong area.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

461. Sign your first and last name on a postcard that you're sending to your child at summer camp.
460. Dial a telephone number by punching the numbers on your computer keyboard (when you're not using Internet telephone).
459. Look up a person (e.g. Jill Jones) on the company phone list by your private nickname for her (e.g. "Trixie").
458. Call up the person who maintains the company phone list to ask why Jill Jones isn't included.
457. Finally locate Jill Jones' phone number and call her, then realize that you need to call Bob Smith about Jill Jones.

1001 ways to goof up (continued)

463. Look up a person on the company phone list by their nickname.
462. When you need to ask Person A a question about Person B, dial Person B by mistake.