YaGoof.com

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-11-09T07:34:00.002-05:00

454. Wear you only red clothing to work on the day before Valentine's Day.
453. Show up to pick up your car-pool buddy on the day that he's supposed to drive.
452. Forget to dim your lights.
451. Present your library card to the cashier instead of your credit card.
450. Forget your lunch money.
449. Forget your lunch.
448. Make lunch not only for tomorrow, but also for the next day and then realize that you did the same thing the day before, so now you're two lunches ahead but in danger of something getting soggy or stale or hard or ...
447. Fiddle with your portable music player or radio every which way you can think but fail to get sound, and then realize that you haven't plugged in your earphone jack.
446. Open the chips from the bottom.
445. Or the cereal.
444. Stay on hold on the phone for service so long that you need to eat a sandwich, then take a big bite so that you're unable to answer when the rep come back on, and she hangs up on you.
443. Cram for a test that turns out to be next week.
442. Mistakenly shut down a projector that you're trying to start up.

What we have here is a failure to communicate

2008-11-06T08:01:00.004-05:00

Ethan called to be picked up from a friend's.

I rolled up. He got in.

Me (cranky): We didn't know you were here, you know.

Ethan: I called your cell phone and mom's and the house.

Me: (silent, thinking: Shoot, the kid did his duty.)

Later in the evening, my cell phone screen said there was a message. It's a pain to check voice mails on my phone, and I figured that the message must be from Ethan, so I ignored it.

This morning, when I drove up to pick up my carpool buddy, he came out dressed except for bare feet.

"I left you a message last night. I have to drive separately today because ... " Well, he just needed to.

Ethan hadn't said that he'd left a message, come to think of it. I just assumed that.

No big deal, but the point is: I gotta get better at checking my messages, and I gotta get worse at assuming.

Furthermore: Keith, Ya Goof!

Watch me overthink this drink

2008-10-18T17:29:00.000-05:00

This soda just tickles me. I don't mean because of its bubbles. I mean because of its successive steps away from manliness.

It's not beer in a glass bottle, it's ...

diet
root beer
in plastic

I know, I know, I'm making too much of it. Feel free to say: Keith, Ya Goof.

I remember it well

2008-09-23T11:40:00.004-05:00

Janet and I have been married 18 years as of yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised to hear from a most special friend who lives multiple time zones away. We speak too rarely.

Below is an email chain where I call him "Also A. Husband," so as to protect his identity. He claims that I got him in trouble.

I say: A.A, Ya Goof! *You* got you in trouble!

From: Also A. Husband
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2008 12:51 PM
To: Keith Eldred
Subject: Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to you and Janet. Let’s catch up sometime soon.
_____

From: Keith Eldred
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2008 9:57 AM
To: Also A. Husband
Subject: RE: Happy Anniversary

Thanks!

Yeah, we need to do a call. And I need to get *your* Anniversary in my calendar. I thought I had it but nope. I'm saying ... May 18?
_____

From: Also A. Husband
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2008 8:39 PM
To: Keith Eldred
Subject: RE: Happy Anniversary

Close … May 26th. You caused me big trouble because I had to confirm with the wife. Life is good but very, very busy right now. Look forward to talking.
_____

From: Keith Eldred
Sent: Tuesday, September 23, 2008 5:25 AM
To: Also A. Husband
Subject: RE: Happy Anniversary

Ah, so I'm not the only one who doesn’t have it in his calendar. : )
_____

From: Also A. Husband
Sent: Tuesday, September 23, 2008 10:46 AM
To: Keith Eldred
Subject: RE: Happy Anniversary

Worse than that … I do have it in my calendar but was too lazy to scroll through until May. Thinking I knew the date, I just casually threw out an “Our Anniversary is on … right?" And of course I wasn’t right. Gave us both a good laugh and her a chance to tease me.

Speak. Roll over. Growl.

2008-09-10T08:16:00.008-05:00

You know what burns my biscuits? The fact that my biscuits are often burned is that I'm a juvenile hothead, so you can factor that in, but still ...

Today what burns my biscuits is that I'm to be a speaker at a conference, and the conference organizers keep sending me emails asking for this release form and that informational form that I've already submitted.

The first time it happened, I had nothing to show that I'd already sent the form, so I had to go through the process of printing out the form again, filling it out again, faxing it again. I hate faxing.

After that, I learned to create a PDF of the form and email that, which is generally accepted as readily as a fax is, and then archive the email so that when I get the next email saying "Where is your ...? ", then I can re-send the email and add a brief note along the lines of ...

Will someone there please get a clue and stop sending me
emails asking for stuff that I've already submitted?

(Insert irritated breathing here).

If you're a Conference Organizer, today I say to you: Ya Goof!

Peanut butter fingers

2008-09-08T11:07:00.003-05:00

Speaking of sidewalks--this time my sidewalk--that's where I dropped a bag last night containing two glass jars of peanut butter. One was big, the other even bigger.

But the only damage was a little chipping at the top ridge of this one. The accident even opened the plastic sealing band for me.

You got off easy that time, Ya Goof.

Skidiot

2008-09-08T11:02:00.005-05:00

This sidewalk is brand new. It's not mine, it's a stretch that I walk over a lot. The installer did a great job. But someone just had to show his ... appreciation.

You with the bike--you're not a goof, you're a jerk.

(Unless of course, you braked each separate time to avoid running into a kitten ... or something like that.)

Hang it all

2008-09-08T10:57:00.004-05:00

Look, these were all that were left at the store.

No two of them were joined, but the hanging thingy still seemed like the logical place to put them.

So no fair saying ...

Keith, Ya Goof!

Here's what happened to Ethan today

2008-09-06T20:30:00.005-05:00

In his words ...

"I went down to the football field today to play Ultimate Frisbee, and the gate was wide open, presumably from last night's game, so I rode my bike right in. After we were done, and I went to leave, the gate was closed, so I had to have some guys help me lift my bike over the fence."

Ethan, Ya Goof!

Meet Duke

2008-09-06T20:25:00.002-05:00

A stem shame

2008-09-06T19:59:00.006-05:00

A house around the corner from us has (had?) a giant rose in the front yard.

I'm not sure what happened here. Perhaps it's going to join other giant roses from other front yards around the country in one huge bouquet?

All I can say is, when the giant bride sends that bouquet flying backwards over her head ... watch out.

(And if this was a vandalisting uprooting, I say to the vandal: Ya Goof!)

Ewwww

2008-09-05T20:03:00.008-05:00

So I was taking a shower at the Y this morning, and I look down, and what do I see but a brownish lump.

Oh, not on me, friend, on the floor! But thanks for your concern.

It was a little misshapen cylinder. Sausage-shaped. Did I mention that it was brown?

Yeah, that's the thought that crossed my mind, too.

I heard a story on the radio once that it's common for people to ... well, to ... you know ... in changing rooms in department stores.

Fortunately, I've never seen this in a changing room that I was using.

Anyway ...

This lumpy little sausage-like cylinder turned out to be ... a paper towel. Wet and wadded up.

But it sure looked like something else.

What probably happened is, someone forgot his towel and used this paper towel to dry off. To dry off some part of himself, anyway. He probably had more than the one towel, but he dropped this one.

I've forgotten my towel before, too, so I won't say to him: Ya Goof!

The picture below is a recreation. I didn't have my camera with me at the time.

A good time not to be barrelling along

2008-09-04T07:38:00.004-05:00

On the way in to work this morning, I had to slow down in a construction zone on I-99 when a traffic barrel such as pictured above got away from a worker and rolled into the traffic lane. I had plenty of time to slow down. It just so happened that I was driving about the limit of 50. I may even have been doing 49. The barrel rolled into the lane and then right back to where the worker was standing.

It's not the lack of power or the humiliation, its the lack of power AND the humiliation

2008-09-02T07:06:00.004-05:00

I set up a computer monitor for the Library this weekend. It took about four times as long as it should have.

When I plugged it in, and went to push the power button, it appeared that there *was* no button. Yes, the icons were there, but there was no actual button--nothing to depress.

I tried plugging the monitor into an outlet that I knew was working--because there was a lit lamp in it--and still there was nothing.

Seeing no alternative, I packed the thing up and took it to Best Buy, where Janet had bought it. The Geek Squad member on duty, took hold of it in that way that communicates (intentionally or not) I-will-bring-my-superior-knowledge-and-intelligence-to-bear-on-this-puny-matter, and (naturally), the monitor lit up right away. It immediately occurred to me that I may have incorrectly inserted the end of the power cord into the monitor.

"Okay, I see it's working," I said, "I have to get going (which was true). I just want to pack it up as quickly as possible and get out of here." I was in no mood for geekly explanations or explorations.

"Do you know what they did?" Janet said. I made a face which made her drop the question.

We had to pause at the door for the Blue Polo on Duty to check our receipt, which thankfully we had at the ready.

Back at the Library, I made sure to insert the power cord correctly, and there was still no sign of life from the monitor. I took a closer look at the power strip and flipped that little switch with the line on one end and the broken circle thingy on the other. The power strip came to life and so did the monitor.

I'm not crazy about the no-button buttons. Sure, it makes for a sleek look, but whenever you pick up the monitor (which will be frequently in this case, because the laptop to which it's attached will be routinely detached for use), you activate one of the buttons.

Keith, Ya Goof.

The good news is that it was a safe landing. The bad news is ...

2008-09-01T06:54:00.001-05:00

And the Duke / University of North Carolina (UNC) rivalry just got a little more bizarre. As both North Carolina colleges kicked off their NCAA Football campaigns yesterday, a skydiver was supposed to land in the UNC stadium for some pregame festivities. After some miscommunication / misunderstanding, he arrived in Durham and Duke’s pregame. Ummmm…

read more | digg story

The reel way to walk a dog

2008-08-30T10:22:00.005-05:00

Janet and I took our family's new dog, Duke Ellington Wiley, on a walk last night. It was the first time that I'd used the nifty retractable leash that I'd picked up for him. (The handle is pink, which galls me, and I can't imagine how much it embarrasses Duke, but it was the only one in the right size at the store at the time, and I didn't want to wait.)

Those nifty retractable leashes are harder to handle than I expected. I immediately let out all of the leash, and at the first corner, Duke wrapped it around the telephone pole. While finishing the unwinding, I dropped the handle, and Duke took off. He was quickly at the heels of another couple (dogless) who were out walking.

"First day with the new leash," Janet explained. The couple took it in stride. Well, actually, they had to break stride so as not to trip on Duke, but what I mean is, they were good about it.

I captured Duke after a few attempts. He and the handle were both easier to er, handle after a long walk.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Taking the long short way

2008-08-29T06:42:00.005-05:00

The eighth grade football team had its first game yesterday, in Dubois. The last time I was there was last year's first football game, so once again, I printed out directions from Google.

I was zooming up the new section of Interstate when I realized I wasn't supposed to be on it. I was supposed to have exited. Things like that irritate me. I spoke sharply to myself and later had to apologize.

The harsh words turned out to be unnecessary, because I liked the wrong route better than the right route. It was six miles longer, Google tells me, but the roads are better. I came back that way, too, and enjoyed it. I have to hand it to myself.

Good job, Ya Goof.

The right (wrong) way

The wrong (right) way

P.S. While reviwing this post, I noticed that, fittingly, the maps shown indicate the reverse of the routes that I wanted to show. "A" should be "B" and "B" "A."

Keith, Ya Goof.

Diversion of funds

2008-08-28T06:10:00.004-05:00

I was rooting in the refrigerator when Janet came to the table behind me and said, "I'm taking ten dollars for Emmett for dinner tomorrow. He has an away football game."

"Uh-huh."

She took the money into the other room, gave it to Emmett, then came back and made a little note of realization in her throat. "This isn't your wallet."

I turned, wondering how I'd acquired someone else's wallet. I glanced at the bag that I carry to work and saw that my wallet was still in it.

Turns out that Janet had given Emmett money from Ethan's wallet.

"I was wondering," Janet said, "why you had a picture of Ethan's girlfriend in your wallet."

Janet, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-08-20T07:34:00.002-05:00

455. Write out a note to include with other stuff in an envelope, and send the envelope on its way minus the note.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-07-11T11:15:00.002-05:00

456. Let your paint rag slop paint into the wrong area.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-06-27T17:05:00.005-05:00

461. Sign your first and last name on a postcard that you're sending to your child at summer camp.
460. Dial a telephone number by punching the numbers on your computer keyboard (when you're not using Internet telephone).
459. Look up a person (e.g. Jill Jones) on the company phone list by your private nickname for her (e.g. "Trixie").
458. Call up the person who maintains the company phone list to ask why Jill Jones isn't included.
457. Finally locate Jill Jones' phone number and call her, then realize that you need to call Bob Smith about Jill Jones.

1001 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-06-15T19:52:00.002-05:00

463. Look up a person on the company phone list by their nickname.
462. When you need to ask Person A a question about Person B, dial Person B by mistake.

Hey! Everybody look in your drawers

2008-06-15T19:30:00.005-05:00

Happy Father's Day, Mr. Emmett Eldred. Thanks for forwarding this email from Wally V.

Isn't this crazy? I had no idea!
(now I need to go look!)

I've been using aluminum foil for more years than I care to remember. Great stuff, but sometimes it can be a pain. You know, like when you are in the middle of doing something and you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box. Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

Well, I would like to share this with you. Yesterday I went to throw out an empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it and looked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, "Press here to lock end". Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there? I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too. I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too! I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up.

I'm sharing this with my friends that did not know this. I hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about this.

I bet I know what you're going to do after reading this.....!!!

Thanks, Wally! And to each of us who's never made a close examination of a wrap box, I say: Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-06-01T20:38:00.002-05:00

464. Get distracted at your kid's Little League game and miss his at-bat

Hallelujah-goof

2008-05-26T19:18:00.002-05:00

Church song leaders, please take note: There's a song that sounds very nice in rounds: "Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God." The title comes from the first verse. The chorus makes a lovely backdrop with "Hallelujah" draped across some lovely notes.

BUT don't start the round until after the end of the second verse: "And his righteousness."

If you start it after the first verse, there's a good chance that your effort will melt. Run a test round. You'll see.

Speaking from recent experience here.

Doubt me at your peril, Ya Song-Leadin' Goof.

Know what I mean about that scene?

2008-05-26T18:32:00.005-05:00

Ever watch a movie and notice a scene comprised entirely of reaction shots? One that makes you say of the two actors, "They weren't even there as the same time!"

I've been saying that often lately. One film notable for this: The Natural.

Ethan beat me to the punch the other day. We were watching The Return of the King. It was a scene between Smeagol and Gollum.
Ethan, Ya Goof.

If you don't get his joke, you'll just have to watch all three "Lord of the Rings" movies. Pay attention.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-05-01T16:09:00.005-05:00

466. Perfandm a find-replace in Microsoft Wandd without taking into account all of the places where a set of letters appears in your document.

465. Go to put a pen in the pocket of a shirt that doesn't have pockets.

Read this tomorrow and pretend it's still April

2008-04-30T19:18:00.004-05:00

A few months ago, I came across a notice that Baskin-Robbins would offer 31¢ scoops in the evening on April 30 (today). Naturally, cheapskate ice cream hound that I am, I marked that in the family calendar and eagerly watched the day approach.

This morning, I mentioned this momentous opportunity to Ethan and Emmett, and a thought occurred to me.

"I wonder why they didn't schedule this for tomorrow," I said. "31 cents on the 31st."

"Very funny," Emmett said.

"Yeah, clever, no?"

"No."

"Huh?"

"Dad, there are only 30 days in April."

Beat.

"I knew that."

For my mistake: Keith, Ya Goof!

For not scheduling this promotion in a month that does have 31 days: Baskin-Robbins event scheduler, Ya—

No, I can't say that. Baskin-Robbins must schedule the event at this time of year to get into your head going into the summer ice cream eating season, rather than choosing March 31 or waiting until July 31. Can't fault 'em for that.

P.S. I don't know how long Baskin-Robbins has had its new logo, but I that embedded "31" is way cool.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-04-17T20:29:00.002-05:00

467. Park too far away from the gas pump to reach your gas tank with the nozzle.

Little did she think that her drink ...

2008-04-17T20:03:00.009-05:00

Ethan reported that a friend's father waited until nearly the last minute on his taxes. He spent all of this past Sunday doing the work. Then on Monday morning, when the documents were sitting neatly on the kitchen table ...

... one of his kids spilled chocolate milk all over them.

So he had to copy them out all over again.

And I say (but not to the child): Ya Goof!

Liddle me this

2008-04-10T20:43:00.005-05:00

Kids need chores.

So you give them chores.

Like: "Put away the dishes."

And this is what you get:

Big lids on small pots. Note the big glass lid on the medium pot. Precarious.

And see the white rack where lids are actually supposed to go? Note the empty spaces.

Sigh ...

Guys, Ya Goofs!

Tips for an Emergency Room Physician

2008-04-05T15:03:00.004-05:00

(The following is taken from a document that I just wrote and sealed into an envelope to mail to one of the local hospitals, after an adventure that we had this afternoon)

Tips for an Emergency Room Physician: How to Come Across as Arrogant

An example scenario:

Patient is 15. Has severe lower abdominal pain. Is accompanied by his father.

You’ve done an initial exam. You suspect a stomach virus that’s going around. You’ve ordered a urine sample, blood tests, an X-ray. After reviewing the test results, you conclude that it is indeed a stomach virus. You communicate this to the patient and his father.

So far so good. The patient and his father are satisfied with your care. Here’s your chance to come across as arrogant.

The father asks, “Any chance of appendicitis?”

Let your mouth drop open as if this question is unfathomable. Smirk. Roll your eyes and/or put the sound of rolling your eyes into your voice. In your reply, include the words “When it’s stomach pain, everyone thinks it’s appendicitis.” This creates a picture of the father's belonging to a large population of the ignorant.

You’ll know you have succeeded in coming across as arrogant if the father comments, “Don’t jump on me.” (Because that will mean that he feels that you jumped on him.)

A suggested response to the father: “I’m not jumping on you. I’m just trying to explain.”

Suppose that the father continues, “Do you want feedback on how you’re coming across?” Assure him that you do, but let your face and tone of voice communicate that you don’t, that you’re just humoring him and falling back on those hazy memories of instruction in bedside manner.

Important notes! Actions that could interfere with your coming across as arrogant:

Take into account that emergency room visits are rare for most people, and even their routine and uninformed questions are sincere inquiries.

Take into account that a father might feel an obligation to ask a question not only for his child's sake, not only for his own peace of mind, but also for the sake of his wife, who insisted that he ask that question, particularly because as a child, she nearly died from a ruptured appendix.

Take into account that your natural inclination for answering a question may not communicate the attitude that you intend.

Take into account that there’s a sign on the wall of the examining room encouraging visitors to speak up if they have any questions or concerns. A misguided person might classify a perception of being treated rudely as a concern.

Good luck, Doctor!

Mighty, mighty acolyte

2008-03-18T20:04:00.008-05:00

A darling girl in our church, Colleen, served as acolyte last Sunday.

The major duties of the acolyte are:

At the beginning of worship, light the altar candle.

At the end of worship, carry the flame from the altar candle down the center aisle.

The main tool for these duties is something that the internet has taught me is called a Candelighter (and here I was all prepared for the device to have a weird name) that also features a little cup that acts as a snuffer. A wick runs through the long handle of the Candlelighter; you push a little handle to feed wick to the end of the tool.

The wick burns down quickly, so you have to keep pushing the handle up, or it won't stay lit.

This past weekend, Colleen exhibited notable courage in the face of severe lighting and snuffing challenges.

First of all, she had to light the candle blind. Since her last tour of duty, the candle has melted enough to develop quite a divot around its wick ...

... so the acolyte has to lower the flame below the top rim of the candle to reach the wick. Colleen's not tall enough to see over that rim. She could only see the top of the flame from the candle after it was lit. Hence, she had to light blind.

Conversely, as the service was concluding, Colleen also had to light the Candlelighter blind. Meaning that she had to lower the wick of the Candlelighter where she figured the flame must be and then raise the Candlelighter to see whether its wick has caught. She had to dip in there a few times before she had her Candlelighter's wick going.

Then came the snuffing.

Colleen found that the candle's divot wouldn't let her lower the snuffing cup enough to do its job. Little streams of air snuck in under the edge of the cup and kept the flame alive. She made one, two, three attempts. Finally, she had to press the cup down on top of the candle with extra firmness ...

... until finally she pulled it up and saw wispy smoke that meant a successful snuffing.

Only by then, the wick of the Candlelighter was also extinguished. Remember, it burns down quickly.

Collen pushed up the handle in hopes that there was enough spark on the end of the wick to bloom into flame, but alas, it was not to be.

The pastor smiled and waved Colleen on down the aisle. She did so with a bit of a hitch in her smile, but with her head held high. Hey, that flame is just symbolic after all. It was a nice reminder that the true light of Christ burns within.

Someone (maybe it will be me) needs to take that divoted candle in hand and shave off the rim until the wick is once again standing in the clear. To each of us who didn't think to do that yet, I say: Ya Goof!

Looked who showed up for the show

2008-03-14T19:30:00.010-05:00

A significant percentage of the readership of YaGoof.com (Okay, one person; still a big chunk of the audience) has correctly pointed out that it's high time for a post.

The thing is, out-of-town visitors got us out of our humdrum routines. But it was definitely worth it. If not for these visitors, there would be no YaGoof.

That's right, my parents came to town.

They were here to see Ethan and Emmett appear in Willy Wonka, Jr, a musical play version of Charlie and the Cholcolate Factory. Ethan played the father of Charlie; Emmett played—oh, what's his name? The character who sings "The Candy Man Can." Give me a few minutes, it'll come to me.

It was not a trip without goofs. Let the tally begin ...

WE WERE LATE TO UNION STATION
Amtrak's Vermonter line, bearing my parents, was due into Union Station in Washington, DC, at 10 pm last Thursday. That was the best mass transit option that we found. They would board in Vermont and disembark in DC after a cushy ride of only eleven hours. (Nothing to it!) One alternative was coming straight to the nearest train station, in Altoona. That sounds good, but it wouldn't have been a straight trip; with layovers in New York and Boston, it would have meant 21 hours. (A travel duration that we ended up giving a run for its money, but that's getting ahead of the story ...)

Janet and I left home at 6 pm, and had a nice drive to DC. We hit the Beltway at about 9:00. In a jiffy, we were in sight of downtown, where Union Station is.

But 45 minutes later, we were still hunting for Union Station. Curses on thee, thou steaming pile of wrong turns!

We used to drive to DC regularly several years ago, when Janet had an internship at the Library of Congress. We both remembered driving in and out as being a piece of cake.

Piece of cake. Riiiiight.

Were our navigation problems this time due to age? Changes to the streets? Fatigue? (Feel free to email other suggested excuses.) At any rate, we made it to Union Station only a couple minutes before the 10:00 train. Only to find that ...

THE TRAIN WAS LATE
As soon as we entered the lobby, the status board told us the 10:00 train would arrive at 11:00.

In reality, it came in at 11:02.

And then ...

WE COULDN'T ESCAPE THE CITY
We drove around and around and around trying to find our old favorite exit route, Connecticut Avenue. On the bright side, Janet and I renewed our tag-team mapreading skills. Meaning that whenever we'd find ourselves off track, I'd pull over and we'd scour the route and plot the next step. Then Janet would trace our progress with her finger. Get lost. Repeat.

We zigged and zagged for about an hour and a half extra and ended up depositing Mom and Daddy at their preferred motel in town at 3:00 am. A trip of only 18 hours for them. (Note: Still a savings of 3 hours over the bus route!)

FRIDAY WAS UNEVENTFUL
Except for the guys being part of a smash performance!

Well, there was one little thing ...

DADDY LOST TRACK OF HIS MOTEL ROOM
He couldn't remember the number after stepping out for a minute, so he had to stop in at the office and find out what it was. "You're not the first this has happened to," the attendant assured him.

SATURDAY WAS GOOFLESS
And there was another excellent play performance!

And it turned out that Janet's mother has a Garmin Navigator in her car that she would let us borrow for the return trip to DC. She showed us how to use it, we gave it a trial run—things were looking up! That eased our minds a little about our impending need to get up at 3:00 am to make it to Union Station on time for my parents' return train. Except that last Sunday, 3:00 am was 2:00 am because ....

WE LOST AN HOUR TO THE SWITCH DAYLIGHT SAVINGS
Sigh.

And naturally ...

THE GPS UNIT DIDN'T WORK
No matter what we tried, the screen kept telling us "GPS OFF." So we had to resort to the trace-the-route-by-the-finger-in-between-instances-of-pulling-over method.

But we did make it to the train on time.

After consulting the Garmin manual when we got home, we learned that when the unit loses its connection to the satellite, you need to take it out of the car to an open area, away from buildings and trees, to re-establish the link. That worked.

All in all, a pleasant and memorable time with ample opportunities to say ... YaGoof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-02-22T20:57:00.006-05:00

493. Get out of your car to pump gas without pulling the lever that opens the door to the gas tank.
492. Forget to put your gas cap back on.
491. Forget to close the door to your gas tank.
490. Forget to close the door to your gas tank.
480. Forget to put a memory card in your camera.
479. Forget to push the record button on your tape recorder.
478. Forget to secure your laptop in the case with the Velcro straps.
477. Forget to zip your laptop case.
476. Lose your grip on the soap.
475. Misstep while jumping rope.
474. Accidentally dip your nose into the whipped cream on your hot chocolate.
473. Chew with your mouth open.
472. Drive with your trunk open.
471. Pull too far forward in a parking space, so that you're car juts out too far.
470. Drift off while typingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg and keep pressing one key.
469. Fling cake batter around your kitchen by pulling your electric mixer up too high.

Note to self: Don't guess about your guests

2008-02-21T21:52:00.020-05:00

We have Bandies in the house.

Translation: We're hosting two students attending the PMEA Region III Band Festival being held at the Hollidaysburg Area Junior High School this week.

It's our family's first time hosting students for a special event like this. So naturally when we picked them up, there was all kinds of nervousness and hope that we wouldn't say anything stupid and make them hate us and hurt our chances of being named the Festival's Number 1 Host Family.

I was so smooth. For about six minutes. Then we were in the car and I said, "So you guys are in the ninth grade?"

"Um, we're both juniors," came the polite reply.

See, I, uh, well, because the event was in the Junior High School, I had it in my head that all of the kids were Junior High age ... and my eyes are bad ... and I hadn't really paid attention to the paperwork ... and uh, I didn't actually look at these guys closely and certainly didn't form the opinion that they looked as young and dorky as the two junior high students who are permanent fixtures in our house and ... uh ...

Sorry, dudes. Be kind when it's time to vote for Number 1 Host Family.

Maybe you could also overlook my asking you to pose for the picture below playing air trombone (Cody Way, left) and air euphonium (Mark Goncher, right).

The time of her life

2008-02-15T21:39:00.004-05:00

It's about 9:30 pm. Janet just got back from doing some work in the office at the Library. When she left at about 7:00 pm, she said she'd be about half an hour.

So she was right five times!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-02-15T21:38:00.001-05:00

494. Wonder why your computer mouse won't work, and then realize that you haven't connected it.

This side down

2008-02-15T20:00:00.013-05:00

My family had to be taught the truth about the frozen pot pie, which is ...

After you heat it, you can take it out of the pan.

When my brother and sisters were growing up, we had frozen pot pies regularly. I think we favored Swanson. They only came in aluminum pans back then, and you had to bake them for dozens and dozens of minutes. I know, I know—the horror.

Anyway, it never occurred to any of us—two parents, two girls, two boys—to take a hot pot pie out of its pan, even though you always lost a little of the crust to those blasted aluminum ridges. Not knowing any better, we were eat-it-right-out-of-the-pan people.

The light bulb switched on for the entire family at once, during one memorable dinner. It was the doing of Curt Koonz—now my brother-in-law, then the boyfriend of my sister, Tina—who was eating with us. When the hot pot pies came to the table, he immediately turned his upside down onto his plate. Plud!

The rest of us stared at him—six pairs of eyes as big as pot pie pans. You could cut the enlightment with a knife. We had always used plates with pot pies only to protect the table—as big coasters, if you will.

Curt froze. "What?" he said.

Then came the sound of a half-dozen flippings. Plud! Plud! Plud! Plud! Plud! Plud!

I haven't eaten a pot pie from the pan since.

And I have five people in mind besides myself right now when I say: YaGoof!

P.S. I had a brain-freeze while writing this. Emmett had to help me with the word for the tight little folds that run up the sides of an aluminum pie pan. Hint: Six letters. Keith, YaGoof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-02-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

495. Fail to register your name as a web domain when you had the chance.

I'm still me

2008-02-14T21:15:00.004-05:00

Twice this week, I've been mistaken for someone else. That about doubles such instances for my entire life.

The first time was over the phone on Tuesday, when it snowed all day. The phone rang at dinner time. It was a thin older voice.

"Keith?"

"Yes."

"Are you coming to do my driveway?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"This is ____ ____. Don't you still do snow removal?"

____ ____? I thought. "I can't place your name, ____."

"I'm at 56th Street in Altoona."

Hm.

"How did you get my number?"

"The phone book."

Hm again, because I'm the only Keith Eldred in the phone book.

"Right here (he must have been pointing to my name in his phone book)--Keith Elder."

Ah, there it was. Elder, not Eldred.

I let him down gently. He gave me a surprising amount of information before I extricated myself, including that his driveway is 75 feet long. I hope he found the right Keith.

The second incident was tonight in the grocery store. I was looking at "Best and Worst Bikini Bodies" on the cover of a publication at the checkout.

"Did Cosmo win?" I heard this out of the corner of my ear, but it had no meaning to me so I assumed it had to be addressed at someone else and finished looking at the Worst Bodies and was moving on to the Best Bodies.

"Did Cosmo win?" Still no meaning for me. Still had had to be addressed at someone else who didn't realize whom she was addressing.

"Did Cosmo win?"

I looked up. A woman older than my mother was looking at me.

"Did Cosmo win?"

"I beg your pardon?"

The woman looked at me quizzically. "Aren't you ____ ___?"

"Sorry, no."

"You look just like ____ ___."

Now, I've met ____ ___, and I was surprised to hear that I look like him. Not only surprised. Flattered. Still, I'm not ____ ____. And I still didn't know who Cosmo is.

"He entered Cosmo in the big dog show."

I'd heard on the radio earlier that the Westminster Dog Show happened this week.

"The Westminster?"

"Yes, that. It cost him $_____. And that was just in fees, not his travel and everything. And the dog has to travel, too."

"Well, I don't even have a dog," I said. Wanting to smooth over her mistake and show no harm had been done, I added, "I did hear a good joke about the Westminster today."

"Oh?"

"Well, you know how a beagle won for the first time?"

"Oh, yes."

"Well, it was proclaimed a victory in the war against terriers."

You may think that I manufactured this post just so I could work in that joke. I agree that it's pretty good, but believe me, that would have been more work that it was worth.

I'll have to get some more jokes ready to repeat to confused people, in case I have to defuse more cases of mistaken identity.

(Next person who misidentifies me), Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2008-01-30T21:54:00.000-05:00

496. Slide the deadbolt on a door and shut it behind you. Try to get back in through that door and realize that now it's locked with the knob's button lock.

Uh oh, she's startin' for my carton ...

2008-01-16T21:59:00.000-05:00

FedEx delivered a box to me today.

Just a box. Nothing in it.

Okay, okay, it did have some packing material inside. And some instructions.

It was a box sent to me to ship out our older laptop for warranty service. You open the box, fill out the enclosed form; gather your laptop, power cord, adapter and original system disk; put everything in the box; cover the original shipping label with the label that's enclosed; and finally you seal the box with tape that's also enclosed. Voila, prepared for return via FedEx.

The box that you end up with looks almost exactly like it did when it arrived. So it would be completely understandable if Janet wandered into the house, saw the ready-to-ship-again box unattended, and, after having originally brought the box into the house on her brief lunch break from work down the street, opened it up again. Especially since she has a long-time habit of opening the lioness' share of deliveries that arrive in my name as if they'd arrived in her name. She takes this marriage-makes-two-people-one-flesh thing quite literally.

Thankfully, that didn't happen. She left the box alone. But it could have happened. Easily.

Never has there been more potential for me to say: Janet, Ya Goof!

For letting my guard down and leaving the box vulnerable, I must self-administer an actual admonishment: Keith, Ya Goof!

Mmm, know what I could go for? A double dip of ...

2008-01-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

This local institution has the best frozen custard on the planet. The place looks great, too. Right out of the fifties.

Complete with a towering neon sign that unfortunately is on the fritz about 10% of the time. See below.

Doesn't the second flavor in particular sound tempting? Also a great candidate for the name of a punk band.

Whoever's behind this finicky beast--YaGoof!

Double trouble

2008-01-10T21:43:00.000-05:00

I know a set of twins, Samuel and Andrew, who I can't tell apart, and I'm not the only one.

These young gentlemen took part in a youth service at our church recently. One of them did a reading, followed by a speaker who referred to the reading by saying, "As Samuel or Andrew just said ..."

(Name withheld), YaGoof!

C'mon, does Harry really know who's who?

Hangin' in there

2008-01-08T20:49:00.000-05:00

I have no choice but to give my wife a double YaGoof on this one.

Janet had me hang a plaque at the Library a few weeks ago. On the back was a slot as shown above. I did a good job on that task, if I do say so myself. I screwed in the hanging screw to just the perfect amount of protrusion. I inserted the screw head into the slot and slid the plaque over for perfect leveling, but it was still plenty snug against the wall. Satisfying.

Yesterday, Janet called me at work to say that she needed some information from the back of the plaque (the contact from the group that had had the plaque made), but she couldn't get it off the wall.

"It has one of those slots, you know?" I said. "With a hole that's bigger than the slot to let the screw go in and ..."

"Yeah, yeah, I got it."

"So just slide the plaque over until it comes off."

"Okay." She said this in a way that tried not to let on that she knew that I knew that she probably wouldn't be able to do it. I know my darling pretty well, and this mechanically-oriented task wasn't up her alley.

I called the Library on the way home.

"Did you get that plaque down?"

"No."

"I'll be over."

"Thanks."

I slid it over and off.

Janet, Ya Goof!

The contact info was on a card that was taped to the back of the plaque. I removed it and took it to Janet's office--just as she could have done before giving me the plaque in the first place. But then, when I was hanging the plaque so skillfully, removing the card didn't occur to me, either. So I'll join in on the rebuke in that regard.

Janet, Ya Goof!
Keith, Ya Goof!

Hey, slow down for that fast food

2008-01-01T20:21:00.000-05:00

Today, one of the vehicles in the YaGoof! fleet went to a McDonald's drive-through, and the driver started to talk to the ordering microphone only to realize that the order-taker hadn't been ready yet.

Reminder to wait for the cue: WTMMITYO?

McCustomer, YaGoof!

1002 ways to goof up

2007-12-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

499. Blow out a well-melted candle so that hot wax splashes onto your face.
498. Go for "one more run" on the ski slope.
497. Gather up papers at work that belong at home and put them in your briefcase--then carry them back to work the next day because you forgot to take them out at home.

Cutting it a little close

2007-12-16T16:10:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to make light of the following, which involves safety in school. I just want to make note of an ironic sequence of events.

Ethan and Emmett reported that Junior High students were subjected to a routine search on Thursday this week. It was random; about every fourth student was searched. A pair of safety scissors were confiscated; the owner said she was using them for origami (this story came third-hand).

That evening, Emmett stopped in at the Library on the way home to do homework (and see Janet there), and Janet gave him some office scissors to open a bag of ice-melt before spreading it on the sidewalk. (By the way, Emmett had to print something out while at the Library, and Janet held his print-out hostage until he completed the chore.)

Emmett absentmindedly put the scissors in his coat pocket, and they stayed there through his school day on (day). He discovered them that evening when crossing the Wal-Mart parking lot.

So just one day earlier, and Emmett came close to having to do some serious 'splaining.

Emmett, Ya Goof!

Don't throw out the fry with the fish water!

2007-12-13T18:12:00.000-05:00

What's with this post's title, you ask? Well, a baby fish is called a fry, we've found ourselves with a fish, and I'm about to explain the throw out part.

He was a wedding favor. Really. We walk into the reception, there's a fish bowl on the table, and the other people at the table say "You get to take the fish home, and we don't want him." So we walk out with a fish and some starter fish food.

I figured he'd be dead by morning. Not due to malevolence, that's just what's happened with other fish that have had the misfortune to enter our home.

I started in immediately with jokes related to fish death. Example: On the way home, Emmett named the fish "Jo Momma" (in honor of Jo, the bride, our neighbor), and I suggested adding on references to fish preparation and untimely demise, namely (pun intended) the full name of "Jo Momma Sauté Doomed." Has a nice ring to it.

But lo! Jo! That was a month ago, and he (maybe she) is still alive! I'm told the little bugger is a Betta fish, which are hardy enough to survive temperatures that dip below 60 degrees overnight because that's the temperature we like it in the winter and we really don't care if Jo likes it or not.

Emmett feeds Jo; I change his water every morning. I got a little net-on-a-handle at Wal-Mart to make Jo easier to catch at changing time, but he's getting more elusive. Some mornings I give up on poking around after him and simply tilt water out of the bowl and net Jo Mama as he slides out. I have to make sure the sink is empty and the plug is in the drain because twice now, Jo Mama has missed the net and fallen into the sink.

For which instances, I must say to myself: Keith, Ya Goof!

P.S. I also feel like saying that for ending up with a fish in the first place, but as you see, we just didn't see this swimming our way.

This just in

2007-12-13T18:02:00.000-05:00

Ethan and Emmett walk to school on most days, but Ethan had to take his guitar today, so I gave them a ride.

Freezing rain, as forecast, was falling as we left the house. About halfway to the school, it occurred to me ...

"Did anyone listen to the radio for school cancellations?"

Nope.

I turned on the radio.

Steve (of the Charlie and Steve Show) was saying " ... so give us a call and report in on what the roads are like out there. Must be bad, because all of the schools are cancelling."

The guys and I looked at each other. I prepared to swing around.

Keith, Ya Goo--

But wait.

Steve continued, "--except for Altoona and Hollidaysburg."

Never was there a more rapid cycle from goof to non-goof.

Stop the cycle of cordiality now!

2007-12-12T06:42:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while I do this:

(I come upon you, a friend, in a store.)

Me: Hey, how are you?

You: Fine, thanks, you?

Me: Great, yourself?

(Awkward pause) (Because I already asked you're doing) (And betrayed that I wasn't listening to what you said)

Keith, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-12-08T09:21:00.001-05:00

504. Mistakenly click "Enter" when you're almost done with an online sign-up form, thereby erasing all of the information that you already entered.
503. Click back and re-enter the data and then prematurely hit "Enter" again.
502. Realize at that point that you didn't have to click back, you only had to scroll down and enter the informaiton that you hadn't entered yet.
501. Take care of an errand at one store in the mall, then proceed to other errands, then realize that there was another errand at another store in the mall that you could have taken care of when you were there.
500. Get your mixes worded up.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-11-25T19:25:00.000-05:00

507. Forget extra batteries for the camera.
506. Listen to audio from your laptop with your headphones in--and then realize that you have the headphone jack in the wrong hole.
505. Sign and email with the name of the person you're emailing--instead of your own name.

Yo Goof

2007-11-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

Speaking of Tammy W from work (see previous post), I also approached her this week after she included this phrase in an email:

Hi-ho, Silver!

Know what's wrong with that? Uh-huh, neither did she. (See the answer below the picture.)

It's "Hi-yo, Silver!" Really.

Tammy, Yo Goof!

P.S. By the way, Tammy is one of the smartest people you'll ever meet. Which makes it all the more fun to pounce on her.

If a mime has fun in the woods, will anyone hear him?

2007-11-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

Where I work, there's a practice of identifying an email as non-work-related by starting the subject line with the word "Fun."

(By the way, this leads to ironic subject lines such as "Fun: Not so fun: Bad accident on I-99".)

Thanks to our IT Department, most people have their email set up to automatically route subject-line-containing-the-word-"Fun" emails to a special "Fun" email box.

Okay, enough background. Today, friend and co-worker Tammy W sent a Fun email to the people in our area and apparently felt she wasn't getting enough response, because she forwarded the email to the same group and added the line in the body, "In case you didn't see this in your Fun email, I'm sending it again."

I pointed out to her that the email would still go into "Fun" email because it still had the word "Fun" in the title.

Tammy, Ya Goof!

P.S. But you're a fun goof.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-11-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

512. Step on your own shoelace and untie it. Or trip!
511. Accidentally pay for a personal purchase with your company credit card.
510. In a fast-food drive-through line, pay at Window 1 but forget to pick up your food at Window 509. Hit yourself in the head with a cabinet door.
508. Hit someone else in the head with a cabinet door.

Your purse or mine?

2007-11-05T21:06:00.000-05:00

Sarah Piper is the new main street manager in our town, meaning that she'll be running plenty of meetings with community leaders. As if it weren't hard enough to preside over such groups, now she needs to watch out that the Library Director doesn't rummage in her purse and steal her stuff.

See, what happened one morning last week was: YaGoof's own Janet Eldred, Director of the Hollidaysburg Area Public Library, arrived at a morning community meeting, took a seat next to Sarah and dropped her car keys into her purse.

Except the keys actually went into Sarah's purse, which was between them on the floor. Janet forgot that she hadn't even brought her purse in with her.

Janet needed a pen and found it in the purse. It crossed her mind that she didn't recall where she got that particular pen.

When the meeting broke up, Janet dove in again for her keys and at that point realized that this wasn't her purse. By then, her keys were in her fist, and she slunk away.

Except when she got to her car, the keys didn't fit in the lock.

So she had to turn around and trade keys with Sarah as she came out.

Janet, Ya Goof!

P.S. Sarah grew up down the block from us. We've known her since long before she even started carrying a purse or Janet's keys.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-11-05T20:51:00.000-05:00

516. Misalign a zipper's teeth.
515. Lose the end of a roll of tape. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!
514. Repeatedly shock yourself with static electricity.
513. Open the sliding door of your van while pumping gas so that it slams into the safety lock.

It's not exactly that I can't place the face

2007-10-29T20:35:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday, the boys and I marched in the semi-famous Hollidaysburg Halloween parade with the group from the Library. One of the Library ladies was dressed as a faceless ghoul, similar to the image below (but without the sickle).

Mrs. Ghoul introduced me to her husband, Mr. Ghoul, who wore a matching costume, also faceless.

"Actually, we've met before," he said, gesturing to Ethan. "I was an assistant coach on one of Ethan's Pee Wee teams."

Pee Wee was a long time ago, so it would have been hard enough to remember this man, but on top of that, I had no face to go by (due to his costume). So I took his word for it.

After we chatted for a few minutes, Mr. Ghoul ambled over to Ethan.

Ethan looked up.

I guess you had to be there, but it was pretty comical when Mr. Ghoul said (forgetting that he had no face): "You don't remember me, do you?"

Ya Ghoul! I mean, Ya Goof!

Emmett loses his shoes to the Man

2007-10-27T20:33:00.000-05:00

Here is Hippie (Emmett) being menaced by Tiger (Emmett's buddy Michael) before they go out to trick or treat. Notice Hippie's guitar case. That's where the treats go!

Also notice Hippie's shoes. Dad's pricey dress shoes! Hippie, Ya Goof! Wrong look! Bad Hippie! (Hippie changed footgear.)

Aftermath: The guitar case filled up nicely.

And the facial hair washed off!

Happy Halloween!

P.S. Note that I'm posting this on October 27. Halloween hasn't come yet, but in our area, Trick-or-Treat Night has. It happens by town decree on the preceding Thursday. I never realized until moving here that you could tamper with holidays!

Juice on the loose

2007-10-27T20:04:00.000-05:00

This week, Ethan and Emmett both took part in an all-day music workshop at at Roosevelt Junior High School. All students were to dress in black and white, and the boys left the house in the morning with their clothes and shoes carefully packed away.

Well, in Ethan's case, not so carefully. He filled an empty soda bottle with orange juice and threw that in, too.

Not far into the morning, he found out that the juice found its way out of the bottle. He called me at work to let me know I'd need to bring him another set of clothes. I'd been planning to work late and drive straight to Roosevelt. Instead, I had to leave work a little early, drive home and backtrack fifteen minutes.

Here's your shirt read to go into the wash, Ethan (Ya Goof):

I know why your drawer won't balance tonight

2007-10-24T20:05:00.000-05:00

I stopped at Dollar Tree this evening for some poster board (3 for a buck!) and owed $1.06.

It was a small pleasure to find a dime and a penny in my pocket to hand over along with the George in my wallet.

The clerk (let's call her Missy ... yeah, Little Miss MISS-y) handed me my receipt.

But no nickel.

In that situation, even a cheap ________ like I am doesn't say, "I gave you $1.11." Not that I didn't require a tick of time to check my natural reflex to do so before I went on my way.

Here's another small pleasure: Missy, Ya Goof!

Take your pills ... aboard

2007-10-21T20:10:00.000-05:00

A friend who I'll call G. (because I don't want to identify him, okayyyy?) mentioned the other day that he recently flew to Japan. He took care to put his blood pressure medicine inside his briefcase so it would be handy during the flight.

But he forgot the briefcase.

G, Ya Goof!

Put down the scissors and nobody gets hurt

2007-10-20T20:10:00.000-05:00

It's okay if you didn't know that the tag on a mattress or pillow is also called a law label.

But if you think that means that it's against the law to remove it from a purchase, I have to say: Ya Goof!

Proof? Here.

A signature mistake

2007-10-20T19:54:00.001-05:00

You hardcore baseball collectors know this already. I only learned it recently:

Don't offer a player a Sharpie for an autograph on a baseball. A Sharpie signature will bleed into the baseball. The weapon of choice is a blue ballpoint pen. Not black ballpoint, because that could be mistaken for a printed-on signature. So if you bring a Sharpie to the baseball stadium, I have to say: Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-10-20T19:25:00.000-05:00

I've committed all of these at work recently:

520. Accidentally ruin the settings on your ergonomic desk chair.
519. Forget to put your lunch away in the refrigerator. Yuck! room-temperature yogurt.
518. Answer the telephone wearing a headset receiver but fail to hit the headset button--so you sound like you're speaking into the telephone from across the room.

Plus this one that I've committed before but not lately:

517. Answer the telephone only to find that it was ringing only in a television program.

The bald facts

2007-10-20T19:13:00.000-05:00

A story from my baby sister Kimberly about her older son Tyler (with a mention of her husband Herman):

A couple of months ago, Tyler wanted me to pick up a "buzzer" at Walmart so he could start cutting his own hair. Tyler's too cheap to spend $$ on going to a salon to get his haircut, although we were still paying. In his opinion it was a big waste. Can you see where this is going?

He used it the first time, and I was there to supervise. All was good. I trimmed up the back for him, did the sideburns. Maybe he was right ... maybe this was a good idea.

It had only been about a month, and he wanted to cut his hair again. I told him that his hair was fine, it didn't need to be cut yet. Herm and I were watching the news in the living room and in comes Tyler.

"Mom?" He turns around then facing away from me. "Does the back of my hair look okay?"

What he had done was, he buzzed his hair to its normal length, taken the guard off to trim his sideburns, thought the back could use another "go over" with the buzzer and--OOPS!--forgot to put the guard back on!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was this two inch bald strip from the top of his head to the bottom of his neck. Needless to say, I now have a 16-year-old son WHO looks like he just joined the Marines.

By the way, I'm not writing what I said after he showed it to me. I will say, I did rub in the fact that I had said his hair was fine to begin with. I can laugh now though.

Then Kimberly adds this comment directed to our big sister Tina, referring to our niece Bethany's wedding next summer:

Don't worry Tina, Tyler will not be getting near any buzzers anytime near Bethany's wedding.

And may I add ... Tyler, Ya Goof!

One thing about your ring ...

2007-10-17T19:35:00.000-05:00

I owe a deep debt of gratitude to my friend and co-worker Tammy for showing me just how filthy and disgusting I really am.

Or was. On one of my digits.

It started with this email that she sent this morning:

Jewelry Cleaning Offered for a Limited Time!!

I brought my jewelry cleaner in today… isn't that exciting! So today and today only I'm offering a free ring cleaning service to my Pigger family. If you want your rings cleaned, drop them off (around lunch time) and I'll clean them for you. Your satisfaction is 100% guaranteed. Check out the sparkling rings on Bridget, Jenn, Lisa and Doug.

I wandered over to Tammy's desk. She held out her palm, but I held my ring hand out of view.

"I'm not sure I can go through with it," I said. "I've only ever taken my ring off once in the seventeen years I've been married." That was a for a photo shoot at work when I possessed the only pair of hands available but I couldn't wear a distracting ring.

"You won't believe the difference," Tammy said. "You should have seen Steve's* ring before and after. People don't realize that gold tarnishes just like other metals." She motioned for my ring again. "Fork it over."

I did.

And woman, was she right! She below for a picture of the grime she pulled off my ring.

Now I'm spreading the gospel. To everyone out there wearing junked-up jewelry (a.k.a, guys), if you have a chance to get it cleaned ... don't hesitate, Ya Goof!

* His real name

Wet beggars can't be choosers

2007-09-29T18:37:00.000-05:00

Another YMCA-in-the-morning story ...

A few weeks ago, I forgot my towel. It happens from time to time, and not only to me. The Y keeps a supply of towels at the front desk to lend out. You use the towel, take it home, launder it, bring it back. A friend let me in on this one day when he noticed I was drying off with paper towels from the bathroom area.

Except on this day a few weeks ago when I discovered (while still fully clothed!) that I'd forgotten my towel, Darlene at the front desk was fresh out of loaners.

"Wait, I do have these," she said.

"I'll take 'em!"

A set of washcloths, each with a bunny on it! I threw them in on a shelf in the basement after they came out of the wash. I gotta take 'em back on Monday.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Wardrobe malfunctions

2007-09-29T18:34:00.000-05:00

I'm coming off a bad week in terms of dressing myself on mornings when I swim.

I wear my swimsuit and sandals out of the house--and my shirt for the day--and take everything else that I need in my gym bag so I can leave right from the YMCA to go to work. Otherwise, I first have to backtrack home.

On Monday, I forgot that I'd need a belt.

On Wednesday, I forgot my shoes.

On Friday, I packed with utmost care and determination. Not until I reached the locker room did I notice that I wasn't carrying anything. I'd forgotten my gym bag entirely.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-09-27T18:36:00.000-05:00

523. Mistakenly buy runny original Yoplait instead of nice, thick custard-style Yoplait. Mmm.
522. Throw ketchup packets in your purse and forget about them until they burst.
521. ,ods;omh upit gomhrtd pm upit lrunpstf (Translation: Misalign your fingers on a keyboard.)

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-09-07T20:29:00.000-05:00

529. Assemble furniture incorrectly.
528. Stay on hold on the telephone for an hour and then accidentally hang up.
526. Cut up your new credit card that just came in the mail rather than the old one that it replaced.
525. Spill maple syrup on the pants you're about to return.
524. Carefully crease paper to make it tear neatly and then rip it in the wrong place.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-08-29T20:15:00.000-05:00

537. Roll down your window inside a carwash
536. Wait in line for a carwash and discover that you don’t have any money
535. Leave window open going into a carwash
534. Go to the dentist or doctor when you don’t have an appointment
533. Send back a Blockbuster movie in a Netflix envelope
532. Mis-remember your long-ago high school mascot
531. Reply to the wrong person in email
530. Put your keys in the pocket of your fold-up canvas chair while watching the Little League game and then lock the car (and the keys) in your trunk

Just call me the boss of sauce loss

2007-08-14T20:07:00.000-05:00

Forgive the ugly picture below. I'm trying to impart an important reminder:

Trying to save time sometimes costs you far more time than you'd ever save.

In this case, I was attempting to save the precious seconds lost in extracting barbecue sauce from a bottle that was getting low. I stored the bottle upside-down in one of the shelves in the fridge door. I've always gotten a kick out of bottles made to be stored upside down. The idea is great and simple. Simply great!

Note: My big sister and her husband have complained to me that ketchup spurts or even explodes from a bottle designed for upside-down storage, but I've never had that happen. Maybe it's due to higher air pressure in their house. Completely plausible, given how this sister can talk. Oops, did I type that out loud?

Anyway, the barbecue sauce bottle that I stored for speedy use wasn't made to be stored upside-down, but it would have done the job just fine IF I'd made sure that the cap was on tight.

Don't get ahead of me now. Let a couple beats go by to denote that two weeks passed before I next reached for that particular bottle.

That's when I found that all of the sauce had flowed out of the bottle through the loosened cap and onto the bottle's shelf ... and the shelf below that ... and the shelf below that. Like so:

The picture doesn't show the bottles that had been stored in that column of space. I took them to the sink to scrub off their tangy, sticky covering.

All I can say is: Keith ...

Armstrong un-goofs!

2007-08-08T15:50:00.000-05:00

Hey! The story from yesterday continues! Look at the email that I discovered after lunch today:

I would like to personally respond to your comments posted yesterday relative to your being on hold for four hours with Armstrong. My name is Charles Wrightson and I am responsible for Customer Service in our Floor Products Operation. This is totally unacceptable customer service and we sincerely apologize for your extended inconvenience. Our caller experience is extremely important to us and we take the process very seriously.

We do track metrics specific to phone calls with all departments. Our records indicate the longest hold time for yesterday in any department for Flooring Products was 9 minutes 28 seconds. Our corporate communications team also ran a query for all 23 incoming queues for the entire Company and the longest hold time was 17 minutes ( which is used for internal vendors and retirees ). So your experience leads us to believe that we may have a problem with our systems. Would you please do us a favor and tell us which phone number you used to contact us and most importantly we want to help you with your question regarding the floor in your church.

From your message , it is difficult to determine how we can best reach you, other than by e mail. My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I will be travelling the rest of this week, so please leave a message if I don`t answer , or you can reach Kathy Mallinson at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Again, we apologize and are extremely embarrassed by your experience. I can assure you it is not how we want to be perceived, nor how we normally conduct business. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to recover from our goof.

Nice! Here's how I replied:

Now *this* is encouraging! Not only because it looks like I'll get some information but because Armstrong is hip enough to watch even little-read blogs (and fewer blogs are littler-read than this one!). I assume you watch the net for mention of your company with Google alerts or other means. Way to stay current, AWI! I'll post this on the blog in a way that will give you heaps of credit but protect your privacy.

I was calling from xxx-xxx-xxxx. Please let me know what your log shows for that number, if anything. I'll try calling you now. Thanks.

And a little later, I added:

Satisfaction at last! I tried your phone, got your voice mail, called Kathy, and she transferred me to Jennie Kapwell, who gave me solid answers! I'm once again strong on Armstrong! As mentioned in my previous email, I called from xxx-xxx-xxxx and hope to hear back as to whether that number shows up in your system. And I'll give you kudos on YaGoof.com tonight! Thanks.

I really have to hand it to Armstrong. I'm not completely surprised, though. I attended a work seminar some years ago where there was a very interesting speaker who spoke about how seriously Armstrong takes customer service. As I recall, the speaker said that Armstrong had a product that customers regularly damaged by using the wrong type of cleaner, apparently because they weren't reading the directions, and the result was many unhappy customers. Armstrong turned the situation around by beginning to print their support number right on the product, which made customers have to call up to ask how to get the !@#$ printing off--which created the opportunity to tell the customers the correct type of cleaner to use! Satisfaction soared! Brilliant! The speaker's point was that complainers (like moi) can become among the most loyal of customers if you treat them right.

There's no doubt that the next time I need to think about flooring, the first brand that I'll consider will be Armstrong. Armstrong World Industries is our first official Un-Goof.

Charles Wrightson, thanks so much for your email! I do hope to hear back about whether my phone number shows up in your system--and maybe you can verify or correct the details of the "how do you remove the printing story."

Just hold on an afternoon now, ya whippersnapper

2007-08-07T19:53:00.000-05:00

I set a personal record today.

I waited on hold on the telephone for four straight hours. Yep, 12:30 until 4:30, when the company I was calling closes and anyone who happens to be waiting on hold is just ... let go.

The company: Armstrong World Industries

The situation: Our church just had new flooring installed, and we received some advice to apply wax. I researched it on Armstrong.com--which has lots of great info--and it doesn't look like we should apply wax (just cleaner and polish instead), but I wanted a technical rep to confirm that, so I called the support line.

Let's see, since I heard it about 800 times, maybe I can recall what the recorded voice kept saying every so often ... It was something like ...

Thank you for your patience, but we don't have anyone to talk to you, so please go to our website instead.

Okay, okay, it was a little nicer than that, but the result was the same: No live help.

The reason I held on so long: I had a bunch of (relatively brainless) design to do at work today, and I have a headset that plugs into my phone, so I just refused to hang up. After the first hour, it became a challenge. I had kind of hoped to listen to an entire Stephen King audio novel this afternoon, but hey ... the on-hold message from Armstrong World Industries is nearly as entertaining.

Nearly.

People of Armstrong ... Ya Goofs!

Dire dairy dollars

2007-08-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

Ethan and Emmett are in Vermont at Camp Grammie.*

*Translation: Our sons are making their annual summer stay with my parents for two weeks.

Janet and I have the house to ourselves back here in Pennsylvania.**

**Yippeeeee!

I drove the boys up on Thursday; Janet needed to stay home. Needless to say, every stop for food involved bacon. And we found every opportunity to stop at creemee*** stands in Vermont.

***Soft-serve ice cream, for those of you not from New England.

My older sister, Tina, said to be sure to stop for creemees at one particular stand in Jeffersonville, Vermont (everyone up there usually just calls the town Jeff). So the three of us did stop at that particular stand.

The signs featured messy handwriting but neat prices for the creemees:

$1.00 baby
$1.25 small
$1.50 large
$1.75 extra-large

I'm genetically very chea--er, thrifty, so that list made me downright weepy.

Creemee stands give you big servings. Tina wouldn't have recommended this place if they skimped on the product. I ordered a small size, knowing that there would be plenty to lick--and indeed there was.

Ethan and Emmett wanted milkshakes. The price wasn't listed, but--oh, it pains me to say it--I figured that if the creemee prices were so favorable, I would find the milkshake prices the same.

Oh, dread and fatal flaw.

The guy at the window was manning the place alone--it was a slow night--and he handed out my creemee and then went to work on the milkshakes. It was a warm night (perfect creemee weather), so I licked my entire treat away before he was done, with time to spare. With a light heart, I jauntily took the time to lay out my money for speedy payment: a five, four ones and a quarter all lined up so that I could choose the best combination for paying. I expected most of the currency to go back in my pocket.

Mr. Window Man finally handed out the goods and toted up the bill, which he announced as ...

$9.25

Oh, evil stake through a penurious heart.

I numbly gathered up my entire monetary display and transferred it through the window. I don't remember the walk to the car; I simply found myself behind the wheel. I put the car in gear. I checked both ways. I motored onto the road with a heart as heavy as if I'd accidentally driven over the cake that won the blue ribbon at the state fair.

I fumbled about in my mind for comfort. I wouldn't have batted an eye at $2.00 apiece for the milkshakes. Perhaps even $2.50. So I would easily (I couldn't go so far as to say gladly) handed over as much as $6.00. But to have miscalculated by 50% was bitter, bitter, bitter.

"Let this be a lesson to you," I told the boys. "ALWAYS know the price beforehand." I drew some courage from the thought that the experience had been valuable for my offspring.

Still ... it was hard to sleep.

To say "Keith, YaGoof!" does little justice to my mental anguish. I can only hope to get over it in time.

1002 ways to goof up

2007-08-05T18:27:00.000-05:00

539. Drop your keys and credit cards into an automatic toilet.
538. Show up at a Saturday event on Friday.

Hosed big time

2007-07-24T20:11:00.000-05:00

Want an example of a powerful brand name? Here ya go.

What brand do you associate with blood drives?

Betcha said RED CROSS.

This came home to me when I responded to a recent email at work announcing a blood drive organized by the family of a local preschooler suffering from leukemia. I was due to give, and I was taking the day off, so I showed up at the drive at 1:00.

And I didn't leave until 3:34.

That's right, boys and girls, two-and-a-half hours. I don't regret giving blood, of course, in honor of the boy and his family and to help whoever will use my blood, but still ... TWO-AND-A-HALF HOURS?? in about 25 years of giving blood, I've never had a drawing take longer than an hour, including one where I was also typed to donate bone marrow. In fact, almost every time the Red Cross got me in and out in under 40 minutes.

And oh, by the way, this was NOT a Red Cross blood drive. Who knew that anyone else even collects blood? See what I mean by a powerful brand name? I don't want to name the other, non-RC organization, because of my poor experience. I was curious to see how they would do--I root for the underdog and all that--but they let me down, waaaaaaaay down.

And get this, there's going to be a RED CROSS blood drive next week at my workplace, where I most often give blood, and for the first time ever, each donor will receive a free insulated lunch bag and will be entered in a drawing for a $10 gas card.

: (

I mentioned all of this to a friend at work, and he said he heard that the free lunch bags will have the Red Cross logo and this tagline:

If you give blood anywhere else, you best pack a lunch.

(Unnamed Blood Drive People), Ya Goofs!

P.S. These blood-sucking goofs did send me a thoughtful and apologetic reply to my email with the subject line "Where do I go to get my time back?" They explained that more donors showed up at the beginning of the drive than they expected. I don't buy it, though--their process was simply inefficient, with confusing paperwork and directions.

P.P.s. Please scroll up to the top of this post and take note of my Best. Title. Ever.

Look out belooooooooooooooooow

2007-07-22T19:18:00.000-05:00

On the eve of Independence Day, Janet's gall bladder gained its independence.

In other words, she had surgery on July 3.

We spent the Fourth of July getting the house ready for her return. We've just had new windows put in, so preparations included returning a bedroom air conditioner to its window.

Except the air conditioner didn't fit the new frame as well as the old frame. As I attempted to adjust the unit, I lost my grip and it fell about fifteen feet to the lawn. Fortunately, it didn't hit anyone or anything (except grass).

We'd only had it for about two months, naturally. So I got one just like it at Lowe's.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Hm, is this the old air conditioner or the new air conditioner?

Look, matching remote controls!

Good Lawd, what a way to start the day

2007-06-08T07:03:00.000-05:00

Every workplace in Pennsylvania is required to have a lively process analyst who hails from deep in Mississippi, and ours is Selesia Byrd.

Selesia works in a different building from me, so I was surprised to see her walking across the parking lot just ahead of me after I arrived today. I soon saw why. She was too embarrassed to report to her own department.

"Y'all will never guess what I did first thing this morning," she said.

Can YOU ALL guess?

She's taken up residence in a lounge-type area in this building, bellied up close to a table. It appears she'll be stain put (no typo). Have laptop, will travel.

Selesia, Ya Goof!

Two bagger

2007-05-25T05:52:00.000-05:00

Emmett did a good job yesterday evening getting ready for his field trip today. I didn't see this directly, because I went to bed before he and Ethan and Janet did, but there was evidence when I came down this morning: I found Emmett's trip shirt on the kitchen table and his lunch all packed in the fridge, except for a small bag of chips on the counter.

On the counter, there was also a matching bag of chips that I figured was for Ethan. Every parent of multiple kids knows the importance of being equitable. This wanes only a little when kids enter double digits in age, so I assumed that Janet just snagged the second bag for Ethan when she got Emmett's.

But no. When Emmett was gathering up his stuff for us to meet the trip bus at 5:45, he grabbed both bags of chips.

"Both bags?" I said.

"Well, there are two bus rides," Emmett said. "There and back."

I rolled my eyes but let it go. Once in a while, ya gotta let a kid kick back and overeat.

Still ... Emmett, Ya Goof!

1002 ways to goof up

2007-05-23T20:03:00.000-05:00

541. Delete a voice mail message by accident.
540. Drop your cell phone into the toilet.

Misjordin' words during the blake-off

2007-05-22T20:16:00.000-05:00

We just experienced a strange confluence of events.

We're watching a recording of the American Idol finale. I'm fighting off contenders for use of the laptop.

Blake Lewis was launching into his first song.

Janet asked me to check the online calendar that we use, at BackpackIt.com; she was afraid that she'd missed Ethan's latest orthodontist appointment. But I found it in the square for May 29.

Just then, Blake reached his big finish.

"Nope, next Tuesday," I said, to Janet (referring to the appointment).

"There is no next Tuesday," Ethan said.

Everyone turned to Ethan and said: "Huh?" He was canceling next Tuesday?

Ethan returned a quizzical look, then understanding dawned. He thought that my "Nope, next Tuesday" meant that I was dissing Blake's performance and suggesting he might do better next week.

Ethan, Ya Goof!

Most Valuable Goof

2007-05-21T20:41:00.001-05:00

Here's Emmett with the game ball he received in his last Little League game. He went 3-for-4 with two singles and a double.

This was after not laying a bat on a ball through the first five games. Hitting is not (usually) his strength. He has a way of watching strikes go by.

Before the previous game, I advised Emmett to swing at the first three pitches in each at-bat. Not everyone agrees with that piece of coaching, but my observation is that Emmett used up so much time deciding whether to swing that he didn't have enough time left to actually swing.

Emmett didn't like the advice during the last game and didn't follow it. I reiterated it during this game by holding up three fingers (for the first three pitches) each time I caught his attention from the stands.

"Emmett!" I called out as I approached the field ... as I took my seat ... as he took throws in the outfield ... as he was on deck. He'd look up. I'd raise the three fingers. He'd give a little smile, but not an obedient smile.

He approached the plate. Swung. Missed. But still ... one pitch, one swing. Maybe he was going to, yes, play ball with my approach this time?

Second pitch. Swing. Solid hit!! It scooted past second base! Emmett was so stunned that he almost forgot to run. I called his name when he was standing on first. I held up the three fingers and got that smile from him. Emmett eventually made it to third, and was the first runner in on a grand slam by Hannah Mercer. (Note: Hannah was definitely a candidate for the game ball, too ... but let's just say that she has a superior chance of getting another one. She's a sweet kid who can see the big picture.)

Next time Emmett was up, I showed him the three fingers again. He swung on the first pitch again and got a double.

"There's half the cycle right there!" I said to Don Mercer, Hannah's dad. He laughed. When Emmett took the outfield again, I went to the fence and held my arm over, extending the three fingers. Emmett met them with three fingers.

I held up the fingers again when Emmett went to the plate again. He struck out, but it was with two fouls and many swings.

I hoisted the three fingers again for Emmett to see when he took the plate the fourth time. And he got another other single. And the game ball.

I hugged him when he showed it to me. "Nice job!" I said.

And get this. He said ...

"You know, it really pays to listen to the coach."

"The coach? The coach??!" What about the Three Fingers?!

"Well, the Coach said to watch the rotation of the ball."

"The rotation of the--?"

Emmett, you're a goof! (And I'm proud of ya!)

You could say he staged his own disappearance

2007-05-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, all of us were primed to go to the Junior High Spring Orchestra Concert and hear Ethan play his cello. That includes Ethan's grandmother, Leah, and great-aunt, Lois. And okay, it leaves out Emmett, who needless to say is a huge Ethan supporter ... but he had a Little League game at the same time.

Until Ethan told us that he mixed up the dates and his concert isn't until next Tuesday.

Janet tried to reach her mother and Lois to tell them the news, but she couldn't. We caught up with them when they ambled over to the Little League Field after the concert.

"It was a nice show," Leah said, "but we never did see Ethan!"

Naturally, I turned to him and said: "Ya Goof!"

Analysis of a NON-goof

2007-05-08T11:11:00.000-05:00

Here's one for the advanced curriculum ... A circumstance that MADE me look like a goof when I wasn't. Honest!

THE SETTING

The cafeteria at work
The hallway outside the cafeteria

THE PLAYERS

Myself
A co-worker, Angie
A co-worker, Jim

THE ACTION
Scene 1
I was leaving the cafeteria as Angie entered. We work in the same building but different areas. We exchanged greetings.

Scene 2
A ways down the hallway, I remembered something that I needed from the cafeteria, so I turned around and went back.

Scene 3
I met Angie coming out of the cafeteria, followed by another co-worker, Jim, who works in yet another area different from mine or Angie's. I greeted Jim, but since I had just seen Angie, I couldn't very well greet her again, so I simply passed her by. Jim may have wondered why I was ignoring her.

But see? I was innocent!

Keith, Ya Non-Goof!

Some Chex off the ol' block

2007-04-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

It's 24 night. Janet and I are watching the show with our friends Ames and Kenny.

We have some Chex Mix left over from a party on Saturday. I asked Emmett to carry a small plate of the Mix from the kitchen to Kenny in the living room. Along the way, Emmett tipped the plate, so he lost some of the contents. Chex Mix is slippery stuff.

I grumbled a little and helped Emmett whisk-broom the stuff up.

A few minutes later, placing my own Chex Mix to the side, I spilled a bunch, too.

What is that line about the family that goofs together?

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-04-24T06:59:00.000-05:00

546. Meet with person A in A's office and accidentally pick up loads of A's stuff along with your own. (Janet did this yesterday, even walking off with a nifty medallion. When she got back to her own office, there was a message from A asking [nicely] if she was a kleptomaniac.)
545. Throw away your retainer along with your trash at a fast food restaurant. (Ethan did this after a stop on the way home from a church trip.)
544. Leave a message on someone's voice mail asking them to pick up--but it's not the kind of set-up where messages can be heard on an external speaker.
543. Mis-remember your high school mascot.
542. Place your keys in the cup holder pocket of one of those canvas fold-up chairs ... but forget about them when you fold up the chair ... and then go nuts looking for your keys.

1002 ways to goof up (continued)

2007-04-19T11:08:00.000-05:00

564. Stand at a vending machine after putting in your money, staring at your item, wondering why it doesn't fall--then realized that you haven't punched in the numbers.
563. Lose a check that someone gave you.
562. Lose your car in the parking lot.
561. Forget to spring forward.
560. Enter an O instead of a 0.
559. Or vice-versa.
558. Or fall back.
557. During a rainstorm, stand where you'll be drenched by the spray of a passing car.
555. Forget you coulda had a V8.
554. Search for your keys as you're driving.
553. Attempt to drop off your kid at school and discover that it's a vacation day.
552. Set out a piece of mail on a federal holiday.
551. Accidentally discard your silverware at Panera Bread.
550. Forget an appointment.
549. Accidentally knock your dog off the bed.
548. Get thrown out of the library for talking too loud.
547. Respond to someone saying hello when they were actually speaking to someone else on a cell phone.

So how's the new job?

2007-04-19T11:05:00.000-05:00

You're a plumber's apprentice.

It's your first day at work.

You burn down a mansion.

Emmett speaks!

2007-04-14T06:46:00.000-05:00

That went so well that I just had to haul Emmett out of bed and try another Gabcast right away. Be advised: He might sound a little sleepy.

Gabcast! YaGoof! #2

Nice job, Emmett!

Emmett adds: Dad, Ya Goof!

Our first gabcast!

2007-04-14T06:21:00.000-05:00

If this works, I'll explain what it is.

Heck, Keith, if it works, it won't need any explanation. Ya Goof.

Go ahead. Hit the PLAY arrow.

Gabcast! YaGoof! #1

Hear that? Perfect! Because I did manage to goof it up. I left a bunch of dead air at the end of the recording, not realizing that I was supposed to push # at the end.

Bad call on my part

2007-04-11T20:25:00.000-05:00

There are people sweeter than me. Those who know me will smile, laugh or roll their eyes at the understatement. If my sons were drinking milk right now, the milk would fly out their noses. Let's just say it's not rare for me to be testy.

Here's a case in point:

The phone rang a few minutes ago.

Me: Hello. Eldred's.

Female voice: Is Janet there?

(Janet was on her treadmill.)

Me: Sorry, she can't come to the phone right now.

Voice: Is she asleep or something?

Me: (here's where the testiness begins) Who is this?

Voice: Lacey Steps.

Me: Well, Lacey, I just told you she can't come to the phone.

Lacey: Is this Dave?

Me: This is Keith.

Lacey: (with recognition) Oh, Keith. Are you coming to game night tomorrow?

It dawns on me that Lacey is a sweet young woman who Janet and I had met at our church. A group periodically hosts parties for mentally handicapped adults like Lacey.

Me: Yes, I'll be there.

Lacey: (cheerily) Okay, see you there.

I feel small ...

But those parties always build me up. I get much more out of them than I give.

Keith, Ya Goof.

I-yi-yi

2007-04-11T16:14:00.000-05:00

A couple of Interstate stories ...

A co-worker, Dan, was driving down the Interstate with a pal. They were reflecting on their blessings: work, family, friends and agreed: "Life is good!"

Some miles further on, Dan said, "Haven't we been driving too long?" After consulting a map, they realized they should have exited at "Life is good!"

Dan and pal: Ya Goofs!

* * *

Driving to work on I-99 this morning, I came upon one of those convoys transporting huge concrete beams for constructing an overpass—trucks large and small, state police cruisers, bubble lights turning. I was in the passing lane when I realized that I was almost at my exit. Not a good idea to cut between any of those vehicles, so I had to slow down and back up traffic a little bit so that I could let the convoy pass by and then exit. I see now that I was driving beside a quarter-mile-long wall.

Keith, Ya Goof!

Poor guy wasn't left holding the bag

2007-04-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

Be happy for Jason Carruthers. His wife, Kristie, owes him big-time.

Kristie works in the same area that I do. Above, you see her holding Jason's insulated lunch bag, which she borrowed yesterday when Jason was off work. This lunch bag is a vital piece of equipment for Jason, who travels all day as a cable technician and can't stop off for food.

Kristie assured Jason that she would bring the bag home. But she forgot. So out there somewhere is a ticked-off cable tech lugging who knows what—a pillow case lined with newspapers or something. Just hope that he's not servicing your account today.

Kristie, Ya Goof!

P.S. I've mistyped Kristie's name so many times in email that I finally just decided to go with it and call her "Krisite" all the time. Keith, Ya Goof!

Et tu, Ragu?

2007-04-09T20:54:00.000-05:00

We've recently discovered baked potatoes. Well, re-discovered. A recent batch was so good that we cooked up four more yesterday, to accompany our Easter ham.

"Needs salsa," Ethan said. He fished in the fridge, pulled out a jar and doused his spud.

Focused on our own potatoes, none of us looked Ethan's way for a few moments. Until I thought I'd like some salsa myself and reached for Ethan's jar of ... spaghetti sauce?

Ethan's explanation: "The jars look exactly the same!" To his credit, he shrugged and took a bite of the gourmet dish we'll call Patata bollente con la salsa di spaghetti fredda.

Still ... Ethan, Ya Goof!

Is my lack of catechism showing?

2007-04-06T03:14:00.000-05:00

I proved yesterday that I don't know the Catholic calendar that well. Not to mention the secular calendar.

I was on Skype with a friend. "Happy Ash Wednesday," I typed, adding jauntily: "If that's appropriate to say."

"We Catholics recognize Ash Wednesday at the beginning of Lent," he returned. "This is Holy Thursday."

Keith, Ya Goof!

Updated later: Wait, he said Maundy Thursday. Ya Double Goof!

Class is now in session

2007-03-26T11:35:00.000-05:00

Our pal Amy Hanna posted a classic goof story on her new blog, which sports the fantastic name of "Have Dog, Will Blog." Her tale involves pets, freezing rain and spare keys; maybe you can guess where that's heading. Scroll down until you see the title "You can learn a lot from a dummy." (Hey, she said it, not us. But we do agree with the educational value.)

One of the many great lines: "My 10-year-old neighbor, John, enthusiastically did offer to break any window of my choosing."

Amy, Ya Goof!